PRISON BREAKS CAPACITY?
The "Prisoners Rights Infringement Could Kill Society" were yesterday outraged to learn that in one particular Doncaster prison, overcrowding has become a problem with 200 more prisoners than the Prison can handle. Demanding to know what the authorities are going to do about this and how they could let this happen, Steve Robertson, Warden, 36 replied "We don't really see it as that big a deal. We've had no complaints from the prisoners and to offset the problem, those 200 extra prisoners are allowed to go to sleep every night on the piss. This is not a privilidge that many prisoners have had before. If the situation becomes more condensed, we may let more get shit faced every night too but we are looking to reduce the population as soon as we can". Somewhat less aggrieved by this they seem to have let the issue drop for now but are keeping an eye on it. Wanting a better insight into the situation we interviewed Peter Carlton, Inmate, 36 about it.
R: Complained? The warden said they'd received no complaints from the prisoners.
PC: F*****g pigs all the same. We don get no good night's sleep.
R: Well to be fair, the experts do say that you can't get a good night's sleep when you're on the piss.
PC: Are you trying to be funny? Think this is a f*****g joke?
R: I'm sorry, I'm not joking around here. Are you tryin' to say the wardens in fact don't give you alcohol?
PC: Alcohol? The f***s are making us sleep on f******g toilets.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
27th June 2008
Nothing to do with me (it comes from The Onion) but I thought I'd share as I like it so much and it's the sort of thing I like to do here:-
Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage
SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll
Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage
SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll
Friday, April 18, 2008
18th April 2008
Games Companies Get Creative
Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.
The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".
In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".
In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."
Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.
The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".
In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
16th MARCH 2008
TECHNOLOGY GOES CRAZY
TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.
In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.
TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.
In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
5th December 2007
COX PLAYS DIRTY
After spoofing Britney Spears in the very first episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox started getting jittery about a potential lawsuit coming as she took the spoof and the character too far. As a counter measure, she yesterday released the following statement:-
Cox wants to spoof Spears in 'Dirt'
Tuesday, December 4 2007, 16:35 GMT
By Kimberley Dadds
Courtney Cox wants to use Britney Spears' troubled life for a storyline in the second series of her US show Dirt.
The Friends actress will spoof the singer's problems in the celebrity magazine-based show, although Spears will not appear in the programme herself.
A source told Star magazine: "Courteney can’t wait to give the Britney character a major smack-down on camera.
"Being a parent herself, Courteney is disheartened by the way Britney has treated her own kids."
She will now be re-spoofing the Famous singer but will now be making sure not to take it too far as she did with the last one which she called Julia Mallory, and stick to more factual and closer comparisons.
Courtney Cox hopes the limited intelligence of viewers will have failed recognise the original spoof.
After spoofing Britney Spears in the very first episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox started getting jittery about a potential lawsuit coming as she took the spoof and the character too far. As a counter measure, she yesterday released the following statement:-
Cox wants to spoof Spears in 'Dirt'
Tuesday, December 4 2007, 16:35 GMT
By Kimberley Dadds
Courtney Cox wants to use Britney Spears' troubled life for a storyline in the second series of her US show Dirt.
The Friends actress will spoof the singer's problems in the celebrity magazine-based show, although Spears will not appear in the programme herself.
A source told Star magazine: "Courteney can’t wait to give the Britney character a major smack-down on camera.
"Being a parent herself, Courteney is disheartened by the way Britney has treated her own kids."
She will now be re-spoofing the Famous singer but will now be making sure not to take it too far as she did with the last one which she called Julia Mallory, and stick to more factual and closer comparisons.
Courtney Cox hopes the limited intelligence of viewers will have failed recognise the original spoof.
Friday, August 10, 2007
10th August 2007
"This is Carly Underwood reporting live for the BBC. We are here at the scene of helicopter crash in Yorkshire which has gone unreported for two days. The RAF have begun an investigation into the cause of the Puma helicopter which crashed on Wednesday and left five people dead, and more importantly why the response had taken so long.
The aircraft was part of 43 Squadron, RAF Rodgers and a board of inquiry will be investigating the crash. The delay in finding out about this crashed has no doubt led to loss of life and with prompt response this tragedy could have been avoided.....wait, there is someone approaching. Let's see if we can grab a quick word......Excuse me Sir, BBC, can we have a quick word?"
"Is this about the helicopter?"
"Yes sir it is. What is your name?"
"Steve Richardson"
"Thanks for speaking to us Steve. What exactly is your connection to this steve?"
"We were out here for a walk Wednesday night and watched this helicopter quite rapidly go straight up into the air and it didn't sound right. It sounded like the engine was misfiring or something - it was making a hell of a racket"
"it was making a racket? You saw this?"
"Yeah, it was like buh buh....buh..buh.....buh buh...buh. This helicopter went onto its side and then shot off. I didn't think anything about it after that, just thought it was doing army manoevers or something"
The aircraft was part of 43 Squadron, RAF Rodgers and a board of inquiry will be investigating the crash. The delay in finding out about this crashed has no doubt led to loss of life and with prompt response this tragedy could have been avoided.....wait, there is someone approaching. Let's see if we can grab a quick word......Excuse me Sir, BBC, can we have a quick word?"
"Is this about the helicopter?"
"Yes sir it is. What is your name?"
"Steve Richardson"
"Thanks for speaking to us Steve. What exactly is your connection to this steve?"
"We were out here for a walk Wednesday night and watched this helicopter quite rapidly go straight up into the air and it didn't sound right. It sounded like the engine was misfiring or something - it was making a hell of a racket"
"it was making a racket? You saw this?"
"Yeah, it was like buh buh....buh..buh.....buh buh...buh. This helicopter went onto its side and then shot off. I didn't think anything about it after that, just thought it was doing army manoevers or something"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
24th July 2007
The Carlos Tevez Transfer Saga
The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.
Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.
ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.
ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?
ALEX: £15M.
ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.
ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.
------later-----
TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?
ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.
There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.
SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.
Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.
ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.
Alan phones Alex up.
ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.
ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.
ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.
-----later-----
SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office
PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?
Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.
PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?
PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.
PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.
-----later at West Ham-----
ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.
ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.
-----later-----
SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.
SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?
JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.
SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?
JAYNE: Yes Sir.
Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.
SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.
Sepp presses the intercom button.
SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.
Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.
JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.
STEVE: That's not.....is it?
JAYNE: I'm afraid so.
Jayne leaves.
ROBERT: What? What is it?
STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.
ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?
STEVE: Looks like.
ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.
-----later-----
SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.
ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?
PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.
ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?
Carl slowly raises his hand.
ROGER: Yes Carl?
CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?
ROGER: We have a new guy?
Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.
ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?
-----outside-----
A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.
POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.
Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.
STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.
POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....
The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.
Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.
ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.
ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?
ALEX: £15M.
ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.
ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.
------later-----
TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?
ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.
There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.
SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.
Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.
ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.
Alan phones Alex up.
ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.
ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.
ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.
-----later-----
SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office
PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?
Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.
PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?
PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.
PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.
-----later at West Ham-----
ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.
ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.
-----later-----
SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.
SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?
JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.
SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?
JAYNE: Yes Sir.
Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.
SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.
Sepp presses the intercom button.
SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.
Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.
JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.
STEVE: That's not.....is it?
JAYNE: I'm afraid so.
Jayne leaves.
ROBERT: What? What is it?
STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.
ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?
STEVE: Looks like.
ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.
-----later-----
SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.
ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?
PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.
ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?
Carl slowly raises his hand.
ROGER: Yes Carl?
CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?
ROGER: We have a new guy?
Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.
ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?
-----outside-----
A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.
POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.
Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.
STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.
POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....
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