T.W.A.T.S.

Con Man Has A Cold

2011-03-29T03:01:00.000-07:00

A scientist, Dr Steve Gasson, was in court this week for excessive harassment and defrauding of the public by selling bogus cures for colds and viruses. He would randomly stop people in the street and claim they are infected and perform a 'scan' on them that would indicate they are suffering from 12 varieties of viruses then sell them a cure. Having made thousands of pounds from his scam, the police finally caught up with him last month and this week saw the start of his trial. During his defence, Dr Gasson claims to have been working on high-end radio frequency identification implant chips like the one he has implanted in his palm. He says "chips like these have got to the point where they are essentially mini computers, and like most computers, they are susceptible to spyware and viruses. The chip I've implanted inside myself must have had a virus which I have caught and has manifested itself in these 'pop-ups' over which I have no control." He went on to explain " The very nature of a virus means that they change and it has obviously adapted itself to the human physiology so instead of having the on screen pop-ups you get on a regular computer, we now have this uncontrollable tourettes-like situation where these adverts 'pop-up' through control over my motor functions and speech". Calling a fellow scientist as a witness, he went on to say "that they are currently updating their definitions and hope to have quarantined the virus any day now". During his closing argument, he was heard to have said "....as you can see, I am clearly a victim here of an increasing computer vir..... a scan has detected 13 viruses within your system. For a minimal fee of just twenty five pounds, I can cleanse your system. Please ask for more details.". A verdict has yet to have been reached.

Reporter: G Drury
Source

What Would Feynman Do?

2011-02-14T15:00:00.001-08:00

http://blogs.msdn.com/b/ericlippert/archive/2011/02/14/what-would-feynman-do.aspx

31st May 2010

2010-05-31T03:39:00.000-07:00

Russell Brand was pronounced dead yesterday after disappearing up his own arse. The irreverent “comedian” was performing a stage show in Brighton when the gruesome event occurred. It is reported it happened duringone of infamous “cock stories” that the “comic” is well-known for. Tina Hodgson, 18, a hairdresser and Big Brother fan, was in the audience. “It was mental!”, she said, “He had us all in hystericstalking about his winkle and how he likes to put it in women, when his entire body suddenly bent double and his head vanished up his arse. We all thought it was part of the act until he kept going and disappeared completely. My mate Shaz was well annoyed. She was hoping to shag him after the show and asked for her money back”.
Comedian Stewart Lee, 40, was asked to carry on the show after he was spotted accidentally walking into the theatre after mistaking it for The Museum of Cynicism. It is said he killed at least four people in the audience because they weren’t prepared for his intelligence and their stupid heads exploded.
Russell Brand’s agent was available for comment last night but we couldn’t be arsed to contact him.

Reporter: D Stanley

Firefighters Go Nuts

2010-05-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

As part of the new Government's efforts to reduce debt, not only has there been budget cuts in the public sector, but the various services are now to undertake other duties not normally associated with their remit in an effort to further save money. As part of these new efficiencies, firefighters were yesterday called out to deal with a pest squirrel who wouldn't leave a homeowner's property. Taking calls like this on the way back from an incident, because the RSPCA was busy delivering mail at the time, allows for more effective use of time between various organisations. All participating organisations have been equipped with a plentiful supply of water bottles in the event they are called out to a fire. Brighton firefighters chased the critter around for over 30 minutes before, to the joy of the homeowner, it jumped out of the window. "He was leaping about all over us. It was hilarious," said Steve Grimsall, Crew Manager. "though, if the resident had stayed in another room like we asked, we could have had the squirrel out a lot sooner."

Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro, 27/05/2010

An End To World Cup Headaches

2010-05-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

A new study by charity group Drinkaware shows that more than 500,000 people a day are turning up to work with hangovers. The study goes on to show that many struggle with their workload and often make mistakes while they have a hangover. They have now teamed up with BUPA to try and help find a solution and advise employers and employees on the impact of hangovers at work. We have managed to secure an interview with Dr Steve Herren of BUPA who tells us that "this is a serious concern to many employers, and with the World Cup approaching, we expect the problem to get worse if left unchecked.". Dr Steve Herren goes on to say that "this is a personal crusade of mine since I heard about it last week. I had no idea it was such a widespread problem and I wanted to get to the cause of this and do my bit to eradicate the problem.". During his extensive research into the problem, Steve believes he has almost identified the common problem and has "narrowed it down to just a possible two key causes" and believes he has "almost identified which of the two is at fault. Unfortunately, I don't anticipate the final results to be in before the World Cup starts so as a cautionary measure, I have issued a statement which I hope should at least help to clarify things till the results come through and we can solidly identify the root cause of hangovers." Following is the statement issued by Dr Steve Herren of BUPA. "Regularly coming into work with a hangover could be a sign of alcohol, or mental health problems."

Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro 26.05.2010

22nd July 2008

2008-07-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

PRISON BREAKS CAPACITY?

The "Prisoners Rights Infringement Could Kill Society" were yesterday outraged to learn that in one particular Doncaster prison, overcrowding has become a problem with 200 more prisoners than the Prison can handle. Demanding to know what the authorities are going to do about this and how they could let this happen, Steve Robertson, Warden, 36 replied "We don't really see it as that big a deal. We've had no complaints from the prisoners and to offset the problem, those 200 extra prisoners are allowed to go to sleep every night on the piss. This is not a privilidge that many prisoners have had before. If the situation becomes more condensed, we may let more get shit faced every night too but we are looking to reduce the population as soon as we can". Somewhat less aggrieved by this they seem to have let the issue drop for now but are keeping an eye on it. Wanting a better insight into the situation we interviewed Peter Carlton, Inmate, 36 about it.

R: Complained? The warden said they'd received no complaints from the prisoners.
PC: F*****g pigs all the same. We don get no good night's sleep.
R: Well to be fair, the experts do say that you can't get a good night's sleep when you're on the piss.
PC: Are you trying to be funny? Think this is a f*****g joke?
R: I'm sorry, I'm not joking around here. Are you tryin' to say the wardens in fact don't give you alcohol?
PC: Alcohol? The f***s are making us sleep on f******g toilets.

27th June 2008

2008-06-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Nothing to do with me (it comes from The Onion) but I thought I'd share as I like it so much and it's the sort of thing I like to do here:-

Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage

SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll

18th April 2008

2008-04-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

Games Companies Get Creative

Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.

The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".

In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".

In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."

16th MARCH 2008

2008-03-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

TECHNOLOGY GOES CRAZY

TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.

In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.

5th December 2007

2007-12-05T03:30:00.000-08:00

COX PLAYS DIRTY

After spoofing Britney Spears in the very first episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox started getting jittery about a potential lawsuit coming as she took the spoof and the character too far. As a counter measure, she yesterday released the following statement:-

Cox wants to spoof Spears in 'Dirt'
Tuesday, December 4 2007, 16:35 GMT
By Kimberley Dadds

Courtney Cox wants to use Britney Spears' troubled life for a storyline in the second series of her US show Dirt.
The Friends actress will spoof the singer's problems in the celebrity magazine-based show, although Spears will not appear in the programme herself.
A source told Star magazine: "Courteney can’t wait to give the Britney character a major smack-down on camera.
"Being a parent herself, Courteney is disheartened by the way Britney has treated her own kids."

She will now be re-spoofing the Famous singer but will now be making sure not to take it too far as she did with the last one which she called Julia Mallory, and stick to more factual and closer comparisons.

Courtney Cox hopes the limited intelligence of viewers will have failed recognise the original spoof.

10th August 2007

2007-08-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

"This is Carly Underwood reporting live for the BBC. We are here at the scene of helicopter crash in Yorkshire which has gone unreported for two days. The RAF have begun an investigation into the cause of the Puma helicopter which crashed on Wednesday and left five people dead, and more importantly why the response had taken so long.
The aircraft was part of 43 Squadron, RAF Rodgers and a board of inquiry will be investigating the crash. The delay in finding out about this crashed has no doubt led to loss of life and with prompt response this tragedy could have been avoided.....wait, there is someone approaching. Let's see if we can grab a quick word......Excuse me Sir, BBC, can we have a quick word?"
"Is this about the helicopter?"
"Yes sir it is. What is your name?"
"Steve Richardson"
"Thanks for speaking to us Steve. What exactly is your connection to this steve?"
"We were out here for a walk Wednesday night and watched this helicopter quite rapidly go straight up into the air and it didn't sound right. It sounded like the engine was misfiring or something - it was making a hell of a racket"
"it was making a racket? You saw this?"
"Yeah, it was like buh buh....buh..buh.....buh buh...buh. This helicopter went onto its side and then shot off. I didn't think anything about it after that, just thought it was doing army manoevers or something"

24th July 2007

2007-07-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

The Carlos Tevez Transfer Saga

The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.

Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.

ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.

ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?

ALEX: £15M.

ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.

ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.

------later-----

TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?

ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.

There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.

SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.

Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.

ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.

Alan phones Alex up.

ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.

ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.

ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.

-----later-----

SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office

PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?

Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.

PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?

PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.

PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.

-----later at West Ham-----

ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.

ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.

-----later-----

SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.

RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.

SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?

JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.

SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?

JAYNE: Yes Sir.

Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.

SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.

Sepp presses the intercom button.

SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.

Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.

JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.

STEVE: That's not.....is it?

JAYNE: I'm afraid so.

Jayne leaves.

ROBERT: What? What is it?

STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.

ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?

STEVE: Looks like.

ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.

-----later-----

SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.

ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?

PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.

ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?

Carl slowly raises his hand.

ROGER: Yes Carl?

CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?

ROGER: We have a new guy?

Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.

ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?

-----outside-----

A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.

POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.

Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.

STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.

POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....

20th July 2007

2007-07-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

SKY DITCHES STRUGGLING SHOW

FX, now trying to show itself as a serious channel after the success of Dexter and NCIS, have decided to sign up the rights of some of the best TV shows around. Amongst it's massive aquisition spree are the likes of Family Guy, Buffy, 24, The Wire and many new series from the states. It appears however that Sky have managed to slip in the rights to Nip/Tuck while FX wasn't looking. A spokesman from Sky, Steve Redford, said "We pride ourselves on having the best and most innovative shows around. Nip/Tuck was a masive aquisition for us back when it started with its edgy storylines and shocking twists. The first three season being particularly good but like most shows it hit its heights with season 3 and hasn't recovered as witnessed by the very poor storytelling in season 4. We felt this was the right time to ditch the series but we knew it would be hard to get rid of it then FX started buying everything up and we saw an opportunity to slip it in un-noticed (that's what I said - ED) and we now have a couple of new directives set up at Sky thanks to Nip/Tuck. 1. No wanky singing in shows. and 2. No wanky future episodes."

9th February 2007

2007-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Try A Different Job Day

Late last night in London, firefighter Richards discovered a fire breaking out in the millenium dome as he was passing. Thinking quickly he got the attention of a passing Pizza Delivery guy and bravely got him to deal with the fire. Unfortunately, Steve Collingsworth, 36, died during the blaze. An inquest has initally ruled that the main cause for his death is that he was inappropriately equipped to fight the fire having only a 500ml bottle of water instead of the required 1ltr bottle.

Also yesterday in Paris, upon spotting a water leak, the quick thinking plumber promptly phoned the butchers to come fix the leak. After 6 hours of work the only damage was 3 dead cats, 1 person with an infected foot and structural and water damage to many of the business near the leak. Steve, the plumber was later thanked by the mayor for his quick actions and it's just a shame that this happened on National Try A Different Job day and could do nothing about it himself.

And just coming in over the radio, we have news that Anna Nicole Smith has died last night. Her bodyguard could not bring her back to life with CPR after her nurse discovered her body in her hotel room.

The world national holiday council is now re-thinking about wether to have this holiday again. Unfortunately the meeting started last night and a team of flamingos are flapping over it as we speak.

The River Ripper

2006-12-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

RE: The River Ripper News Report On Radio 1

....and the chief inspector on the case has this message for the killer.

INSPECTOR: If the killer would like to get in touch with us, we have trained police officers ready to take your call.

-----cut to training school-----

LECTURER: Welcome to the taking phone calls training course

We'll start off with Steve here demonstrating how not to answer a phone call.

A phone on the desk starts ringing.

STEVE: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?

LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Paul?

PAUL: He was just speaking at the phone, you need to pick it up first.

LECTURER: Do you care to demonstrate this to the class Paul?

PAUL: Sure.

Paul gets up and the phone starts ringing again. Paul picks up the phone.

PAUL: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?

LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Robert?

ROBERT: He picked up the whole phone, you only need to pick the reciever bit up.

LECTURER: Why don't you come to the front and demonstrate?

The phone rings and Robert picks up the reciever.

ROBERT: Hello?......Hold on, I'll just get him for you.

Robert passes the phone reciever to the lecturer who puts it back on the phone base.

LECTURER: Well done Robert. That class is how you answer a phone. Tomorrow we'll look at the more complicated procedure of pressing a call accept button to answer a call.

31st October 2006

2006-10-31T10:44:00.000-08:00

Mischievous Night

"As halloween has come around again, that means the nasties have come out again, and I don't mean the ghouls and ghosts, I'm talking about teenage yobs. For many teenagers, last night, known as mischievous night, is a chance for a bit of a laugh for them playing silly little pranks. Unfortunately today's youths don't seem to grasp this concept and have taken it too far and to dangerous and violent levels causing all kinds of damage. Yesterday I went to Liverpool to find out more about this and talked to various youths about their plans for the night. One youth said we're going to throw stones and bricks. Another saying they're going round smashing bus windows and things for a laugh. More tales like this came from various other youths of wanton destruction and last night there were 58 arrests in Liverpool alone. Calls have been made to put an end to Halloween and Mischievous night. I have with me now Police Officer Steven Ramsbottom. Steven, is it true there were 58 arrests last night?"
"Yes, that is correct"
"And what were those arrests for? Were they all for destruction of property and kids getting carried away?"
"Mostly yes. 57 were actually teenagers causing bother and one for drink driving"
"57? That is an extremely high number for one city, they must have caused thousands of pounds of damage between them. Do you agree with calls for putting an end to Halloween and in particular Mischievous night?"
"Now why would there be any need for that?"
"What about all the destruction they caused last night? Is that not reason enough?"
"This is Liverpool, that was a normal night for us."
"ummmm.....cut"

(there actually were 57 arrests)

29th September 2006

2006-09-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

HEALTHY EATING INITATIVE

Reports have come in today that the Government's new healty eating initiative is starting to work. The iniative's spokesperson gave us a follow up statement to yesterday's report. "Today we have saved the future of at least 2 teenagers health that were intending to eat at McDonalds for dinner. Hopefully the rest of the people in the restaurant takes on board what they saw and will stop going to McDonalds in future." With good news like this, hopefully the youth of today can saved before it's too late. Unfortunately we can't get a comment from one of the teenagers that have been saved from the unhealthy lifestyle as he is in a medicated state at the minute and unable to speak but his friend with him at the time had this to say. "We were just queuing up for a McDonalds when someone ran in with a gun and shot me in the arm and my friend in the chest then ran away again".

28th September 2006

2006-09-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

Healthy Eating Initative

The Government has yesterday announced it is to be putting into motion it's new initiative to help curb the growing problem of obesity in England. They are growing concerned with the increasing number of children eating less healthy food and more unhealthy foods like Chips and Burgers. A spokesperson for the new initiative said "Jamie Oliver has done a lot to raise the awareness of this in schools but unfortunately the fact is that children are turning their noses up at health school dinners and are seeking their own dinner in town from places like McDonalds. We are hoping our new measures will make children think twice before going to places like McDonalds for their dinner in future"

10th May 2006

2006-05-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

David Blaine has shown himself many a time to the be greatest Gav in the world. Or he's trying to prove he is by becoming the greatest person ever at standing around and doing nothing. He's stood at the top of a pole doing nothing. Stood in a block of ice doing nothing. Then he couldn't be bothered even standing around doing nothing so he sat in a box doing nothing. Sitting was obviously too much of an effort now he's taken to floating in water doing nothing.

With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.

STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)

The difference between America and Britain?

In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.

In Britain : Idiot.

24th January 2006

2006-01-23T06:22:00.000-08:00

DRINK DRIVING

Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury

PIGEON FARCE

A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling

WOMBLE MANIA

The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling

10th January 2006

2006-01-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

NEW MONEY

The bank of England today announced a new money note. The £3.33 bank note will be released at the end of this month. The new note depicts the actual moment Robin Hood was captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham while hiding in the great oak tree in Sherwood forest. The picture shows it was a warm June evening with a distinctly orange sunset on what was an obviously windy day. The Queens head is of course on the other side looking grim, this is to represent the monarchs feelings over her sons recent marriage. The note is oval in shape and the size of a current 50 pence coin.Reporter: M. Gosling

KEVIN Vs RIDLEY

Hollywood announced that a film on the life and times of William Shatner was finally finished last week. The film that took over 3 years to complete was directed by Kevin Costner and edited by Ridley Scott. The film that was originally 13 days long when Costner had finished and was edited down to just 2 minutes by Scott. The pair fought over the length of the film for several months. The epic battle on the films length is now to be turned into a short film which will be only 3 minuets long. Production on the film will start this week. Samuel L Jackson turned down a major role in the 3 minuet film stating that his part would be too long.
Reporter: M. Gosling

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Deleted scenes, Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network), Higgins reveals he is a transvestite, Batman turns up, Magnum's rape scene, Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.

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Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.

Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.

5th January 2006

2006-01-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

FROM THE LOST ARCHIVES

Here's a special interview with little-known Buffy/Angel/Firefly writer/producer/director (and Joss Whedon confidante), David "Boom Boom" Stanley.
(Source: SFX Magazine Nov 2005)

1. How are you? So very sleepy. I've been up all night with Joss making a Wonder Woman costume. He says he wants to "save the company money".
2. Where are you right now? In Joss' garage. Dressed as Wonder Woman. Joss is making me do action poses and taking pictures. Sometimes I hate my job.
3. What are you doing for the rest of today? I have to meet Steven S. DeKnight to discuss why Dawn was a bad idea and hypothesize how to write her out of history.
4. What's your favorite British show? Me and Jeffrey Bell are currently working on an English version of Sealab 2021. If it happens that will be my favorite show.
5. What's your favorite British swear word? C**t. It's horrible when Americans say it, but oddly endearing with a British accent. "C**t!". See?
6. Are you running out of ambitions? There are many things I want to do yet. Like re-write the Star Wars prequels, star in my own solo West End show and invent a new type of food. So, no.
7. Which is your favorite Western? Is that a trick question?.
8. Which is your favorite science fiction movie? Dude, where's my Car?
9. Which is your favorite musical? Mary Poppins. I still chimney sweep on the side because of that movie.
10. Who is your favorite James Bond? Me. And Moore.
11. Who is your favorite Doctor Who? Baker. And me.
12. Who's your favorite other person called David? Boreanaz. I sometimes pretend he's my dad.
13. When were you drunk last? I'm drunk now. And always will be.
14. Superman or Spiderman? Spidey. Supes is a prick.
15. Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
16. Will there be any more of Buffy? Joss wants to do some, but me and Steven S. DeKnight won't let him until he rectifies his Dawn mistake.
17. Will there be any more of Angel? There should have been a sixth season, but Joss wanted to bring over Dawn, so me and Steven S. DeKnight locked him in his cellar and told the network we wouldn't be doing any more.
18. Will there be any more of Firefly? We actually filmed 10 more episodes, but Joss didn't like the new character I introduced (played by me) so he scrapped them. The git. He was a good character too. His name was Chad and he had some rather interesting questions for Book...
19. Who did you take to the prom? Billie Piper. Then I remembered we don't have proms in England so me and Billie just sat in the empty sports hall drinking tea.
20. Are you spreading yourself too thinly, and is this a good thing? Yes, no, maybe. What?
21. What's your favorite biological function? Peeing is very inconvenient and you have to do it too much. But who doesn't love a good crap? I once went seven times in one day... (Aren’t you glad real life doesn't have flashbacks?)
22. Who is your hero? The Granddad from "Bread".
23. What would you do if all your shows ended tomorrow? Phone Joss and ask him what I should do with my life now. Then phone Steven S. DeKnight.
24. Which show do you enjoy writing the most? I wrote an episode of Golden Girls once, which I really enjoyed. It got axed. Apparently, they didn't like my new character (which I played). His name was Chad and he had questions for Bea...
25. Which show do you enjoy directing the most? See above.
26. Which actor gives you the most backtalk? Glenn Quinn. Well, he did until I accidentally...er, never mind.
27. Which writer never agrees with you? Joss. That's why his shows keep getting cancelled.
28. Which movie would you loved to have written? Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
29. Which movie do you regret having any involvement in? Alien Resurrection.
30. How many hours of sleep do you get at night? 12-15
31. What's the most irritating question someone has have ever asked you? When did you last see Glenn Quinn, sir?
32. Which book would you recommend everybody should read? The Marvel Superhero Omnibus 1986.
33. Who is the most overlooked person on television? Me.
34. Who should be the most overlooked person on television? Joss Whedon.
35. Kirk or Picard? Picard. Kirk was a reckless idiot who kept endangering his crew. And he fancied Spock. And he was played by William Shatner. Case closed.
36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe.
37. Has anyone ever come up to you and said "I loved you in The Shawshank Redemption?" Yes.
38. What's the worst part of making a television show? Cleaning Joss' shoes every morning.
39. And what's the best? Paper fights with Steven S. DeKnight.
40. What's the worst line of dialogue you've ever written? According to Joss it's, "Hello, my name is Chad (pause) and I have questions for you, "Book"..."
41. And what's the best? Wash: "It's simple, Mal. These three switches mean (Flicking them as he goes) Ready..set...GO!" (It was cut)
42. Is the character of Wash in Firefly based on you? Yes.
43. Would you do Faith the Vampire Slayer if Eliza Dushku would commit to it? Absolutely. But Joss won't let me. He's still angry about that sex scene I wrote for her in Buffy involving Faith, Buffy and Chad (Played by me). It was cut. Besides, Eliza refuses to work with me after my "muff" remark last year. I can't talk about it for legal reasons.
44. Does it worry you that Spike is such a popular character--he's evil! So am I.
45. If you could do a crossover episode of Buffy, Angel, or Firefly with any other show, what would it be? Sealab. The English version.
46. What do you think of fan fiction: flattering or embarrassing? A bit of both. Like my work (according to Joss)
47. For budgetary reasons, you have to do a "clip" episode of Angel. How would you make it different from the norm? It would only be the clips of Wesley falling over.
48. What was your nickname in school? "Odd shoes"
49. If they did Buffy Big Brother, who would win? Chad
50. Is Hamlet mad? How the f**k should I know?
51. Do you see the influence of Buffy on other shows (i.e., Smallville)? Not Buffy's influence - Mine
52. Can I show you my script? No. If Joss doesn't look at mine, I won't look at yours. (Wow. THIS is what power feels like)
53. Who are the best people to hang out with--actors, writers, producers,
or directors? I do all three and nobody hangs with me (Apart from Steven S. DeKnight, but he doesn't count)
54. How good are you in a fight? I once made Steven S. DeKnight cry by flicking his eyes. Does that answer your question?
55. How many times have you been asked if you believe in vampires? 125. I always say yes before running off screaming, “The sun! It burns! IT BURNS!!”
56. What's the best dessert in the world? Sahara
57. Can you tell us a joke? Don petrie.
58. Do you feel Saddam Hussein might become a better person if he watched Buffy? He’s already a big fan. In fact, he asked if he could do a cameo once and we said yes. He’s the singing demon in “Once More…With Feeling”.
59. What's the record that changed your life? Most people in a Mini.
60. When was the last time you felt wide awake? 1982
61. What's the best time of day. Just before Dawn. Just like my favorite Buffy episodes,
62. Did you have any input in the very last episode of Buffy? Joss asked me what would make the last episode memorable. I thought about it and then said, “Batman!”. He stifled some laughter and then left the room with tears rolling down his cheeks.
63. Given a choice, would you be a vampire and live forever? I’m already going to live forever. I’m an immortal. The film Highlander was based on me.
64. When Angel started, were any of the characters going to end up on Angel other than Cordy and Wesley? I proposed to Joss that we take Buffy’s mom over to be Angel’s new love interest. He threw his coffee over me. He has now done it every morning since to “discipline my mind”.
65. Do you think that the series would stand more chance at the Emmys with a different name? Yes. “Faith the Vampire Slayer”. Or “Chad – The Alcohol Years”
66. What scares you? My talent.
67. How did you vote in the last election? I went into a little booth and put a cross next to some guys name.
68. Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf? Should I be? Do I owe her money?
69. Which was your favorite Golden Girl character? Chad.
70. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was shit.
71. What story will you never tell on Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Anything to do with poofs.
72. What are your pets called? Spike, Faith, Steven S. DeKnight and Chad.
73. How long will we have to wait for Ripper? Me and Steven S. DeKnight have already outlined a plot for the pilot. It revolves around Giles trying to find the ghost of Richard Whiteley. Joss as yet to give it the green light.
74. Do you believe in God? Every time I look in the mirror.
75. Would John Wayne have been out of place in Firefly? If episode 16 had been made, that question would have been answered.
76. Have you played the Buffy computer game? No. Everyone knows it’s shit.
77. How big is your television? I don’t have one. Steven S. DeKnight decided that we should throw out our TVs to escape the influence of the “Network poison” as this would help us come up with truly original ideas. He has since written three episodes of a show about devil robots and I have spent four months writing a movie called “Chad Begins”. So it’s clearly worked a treat!
78. Have you ever broken the law? Only when I accidentally killed Gle…no.
79. Which car do you drive? Mine.
80. Were you at Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding? Yes. Me and Steven S. DeKnight went dressed as Shaggy and Scooby Doo. We weren’t popular.
81. Would you eat at Doublemeat Palace? Are you questioning my sexuality?
82. Has anyone ever mentioned that the Serenity looks a bit like a plucked parrot? I designed the ship after accidentally walking in on Joss in the shower.
83. Which is your favorite member of The Magnificent Seven? Bashful.
84. Which show does your wife prefer, Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Or won't she tell you? I wish people would stop calling Steven S. DeKnight my wife.
85. Which show on U.S. TV at the moment do you love ... other than your own? Seeing as I don’t have a TV, I don’t have any favorite shows. Me and Steven S. DeKnight entertain ourselves by looking out of the window and doing the voices for people who walk past.
86. Who let the dogs out? I honestly don’t know what some of these questions mean.
87. How many series do you think you could run at once without exploding? We actually had a meeting about this once. Joss concluded that he could do no more than two, so me and Steven S. DeKnight laughed and called him a sissy. He slapped us both and fined us our clothes.
88. Can you speak Chinese? I fail to see the point unless I plan to go to China. Which I won’t. Cos it’s shit.
89. Can you ride a horse? Are you asking me, or in general? If it’s the latter then yes. If the former then no.
90. If you could write a song for any artist, who would you choose? I have just wrote a few songs for the new Katie Melua album. It took me ages to count those f**king bicycles.
91. Would YOU have survived Sunnydale High? Yes. I would have wrote myself as the hero.
92. What's the thing you're proudest of in this world? A jacket I got from Matalan.
93. What makes you happy? Cocaine
94. What makes you sad? The Matrix.
95. Do you find Benny Hill funny? Yes. I often walked very quickly, singing the theme tune, on the set of Angel. Sometimes during takes. David Boreanaz thought it was hilarious. I walked into a door once while doing it and he pissed himself laughing.
96. Who put the bob in the bob sh-bop? What the fuck are you on about?
97. Having worked in America, can you justify Twinkies to everyone in the UK? No. It’s like us justifying Jeremy Irons.
98. SFX is 100 issues old. Where do you want to be when you're 100? Dancing on Joss’ grave while holding an Oscar in each hand. Or Blackpool.
99. Does the Internet ever scare you? Only when I type “Sweaty Joss” into google.
100. Are you pleased this questionnaire is over? No. It’s the most work I’ve done in five years.

27th December 2005

2005-12-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

INMATE PRISON SCAMS

Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furious that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".
Reporter: G. Drury.

WENGER WAX

A terrible mix up has occurred at Madam Tussauds in London. The Arsenal manager Arsene Wengre wax work was taken home by the club instead of the Frenchman when he was showing it to the press. The wax work has now been managing the club for the last three months. Assistant manger Pat Rice stated that the team seemed to respond better over the last few months to the managers words of wisdom. The wax work which won the manger of the Month in February is now been linked to major clubs across Europe.
Reported by: M. Gosling

WORLD NEWS

It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.
Reporter: M. Gosling

19th December 2005

2005-12-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

RAINBOW OUT

Reporter: M. Gosling
Former Rainbow presenter Bungle Bugs announced to the world yesterday that he is Gay. The presenter who is currently working on a ADULT DVD with Rod, Jane and Freddie called "Rodding Jane & Freddie" made the announcement on a local radio station program. It comes in a long line of shock revelations about the former cast of the hit children's series. Zippy is now a recovering alcoholic and George is set for a colour change operation. Meanwhile since Geoffrey's London play titled "Silly Billy" got poor reviews from critics the Rainbow front man is now set to play the Mitchell's 'other' brother in East Enders

MOSES V's SANTA

Reporter: M. Gosling
Father Christmas today announced that he is to take on Moses in ITV1 celebrity Wrestling. Clause is angry over the Fact that Moses looks like him. Santa states that he was the first to have white hair, a beard and a red gown. He went on to sate that he does not believe in the story of Moses and its based on total fiction. Santa did try suing the holder of the ten commandments however Lapland law prevents him from doing so. Moses who accepted the offer declined to comment, his lawyer stated that he is currently working on his next book "the next 10 commandments".

RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER

Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.

14th December 2005

2005-12-14T02:49:00.000-08:00

One of my first ever entries of T.W.A.T.S. that never made publication:-

GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES

It appears as though there are certain people out there that do not want to see T.W.A.T.S. published. They would rather the truth not get out about certain things. The Government, with it's control of the media couldn't allow a unofficial, uncontrolled news source to circulate, telling the world what is really happening and not just what the Government allows you to think is hapening. The first issue was due to be published about 2000hrs on Sunday night but the powers that be stepped in to put an end to that. Some sort of "bomb" was sent through my broadband connection at around 1930hrs which casued my computer to restart several times in quick succession and now will not re-start at all leaving the first issue unaccesable. As soon as my P.C is repaired, I can garentee i will be bringing this to the world. No Government can stop me.

26th May 2005

2005-05-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

MUTANT CHILDREN LIVING IN RUSSIA

Reported by: Various Contributers
THE Chernobyl nuclear disaster has spawned a generation of 'mutant' super-brainy children.
Kids growing up in areas damaged by radiation from the plant have a higher IQ and faster reaction times, say Russian doctors.
They are also growing faster and have stronger immune systems.
Radiation from the Ukrainian Chernobyl plant swept the globe and affected more than seven million people.
Professor Vladimir Mikhalev from Bryansk State University, has tracked the health of youngsters growing up in areas hit by the fallout since the 1986 accident.
He compared their mental agility and health to those in unaffected areas and found they came out top in tests.
The kids had been exposed to radiation in the atmosphere and their food supply.
Scientists have now been given a grant to further research into this.

20th May 2005

2005-05-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

FUNDING REFUSED FOR RDSU

Reporter: G. Drury
Yesterday, the Russian Doctors and Scientists Union (RDSU) were fuming that requests for extra funding was declined by the Governemt. At a press conference, it was revealed that the Governments desciosion was based upon the lack of any progress over the last five years by Scientists. There were also no projects in the pipeline that was worthy of extra funding. "They simply don't deserve it". Steve, a spokesperson for the RDSU, siad "This is ridiculous. We have worked very hard and can't get anything done without funding. We're paying for microscopes out of our own pocket. We deserve this extra funding and I'll be damned if we don't get it".

1st May 2005

2005-05-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

INLAND REVENUE JAILED????

Reporter: Ben Kovengland
Solicitor Ian MacFarlane has spent the last seven years diverting over £800,000 of his company's money into a bogus account he created. He set up this account in the bogus name of Ian Revue and wrote company cheques to himself, passing them off as cheques to the Inland Revenue. His scam involved pocketing customer's stamp duty and using the money to pay for holidays, property deals, tax bills, and school charges amongst other things. His manager, Mr Bartholemew Claysbank, who likes to be called just "Bar", said "His actions are dispicable. I just don't know how comeone can have the nerve to change their name and do something like that. Especially as his name doesn't even really look that close to Inland Revenue. I'd have hoped my employees had shown more imagination than that."

NEW WBO CHAMPION!!!

Reporter: G. Drury
In a shocking twist to the change of the WBO boxing title rules, a manager of a local town's leisure centre has become the Intercontinental Welterweight Champion. As recently announced, the beltt operates under 24/7 rules and the title is held by the last person to wear the belt. He aquired the belt through some inginius cunning rarely seen in the world of boxing. When at one stage the belt was left unattended, he walked up and put it on. Now he has his first championship belt. When asked for a quote he replied "I'm looking forward to more sports adopting this type of change to the rules. I'm hoping I can get the world cup next year."

29th April 2005

2005-05-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

LONDON EYE STOLEN

Reporter: D. Stanley
The London Eye was stolen last night by Brian Blessed. The actor, 54, had been building a large see-saw device for the past four years, and in the early hours of Monday morning, used it to catapult the famous attraction into his back yard. It is widely believed that he used his own massive girth to execute the proceedure. Police are now trying to start talks with the Flash Gordon star, who has barricaded himself in his home and can be heard laughing as he rides the London Eye from six miles away.

STAN RICHARDS

Reporter: D. Stanley
Stan Richards was today found alive and well in Hull, where he had been living with Badgers. The Emmerdale star said he had suddenly found a love for nature when he joined the soap back in 1907, and had longed to live like his favourite wild animal ever since. Due to work commitments, however, he was prevented from doing so, thanks to an unprecedented 203-year contract he was tricked into signing by the show's secret producer, Jeremy Beadle. Stan, famous for playing the tashy layabout Seth Armstrong, suddenly decided that he had had enough in the winter of last year, and so faked his own death with a shop keeper's dummy that was painted to look like him by local artist Ashley Jackson. Armstrong, 123, said he had been happy living with the badgers, and that they had accepted him as one of the family. Seth has now been ordered to go back to a normal way of life and to reappear in Emmerdale as Jack's new gay love interest. The badgers have been shot and will be paraded through the streets of Hull tomorrow as common practice dictates.

STATUS QUO

Reporter: D. Stanley
Status Quo have announced today that they are to release a special single to celebrate their 125th anniversary. The band, who started out as an Irish folk group with hits such as, "He ain't pretty, he's my sister" and "Where the hell did that combine come from?", will release the gold-plated CD on May 25th, and will have an added special element that all Quo fans will love. "Simply put," said drug-head Rick Parfett, "we have been practicing for months and, eventually, we learned a brand-new chord. It will appear on the new song. We are all very pleased." The song, entitled, "Rock and roll whore-bag" will also feature a hidden message from the future voice of Bob Geldoff, which the band accidentally picked up on radioactive feedback. "It's definitely him," said Rick, "Even Bob says it's him, although he doesn't remember saying it because he hasn't said it yet". When asked what the message was, Rick said, "Nnnnnggghhhhaaaaggghhhh!".

26th April 2005

2005-04-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

HE MAN SHOCK!!!

Reporter: M. Gosling
Anorexic groups yesterday condemned he-man after his public comments about Skeletor. He-Man who was doing a live phone-in on the Today program made a comment about his nemesis' boney complexion and poor eating habits. It comes as yet another blow for the Prince. Who was found to be taking steroids to build himself up more for the up coming Master of the Universe Games in September. He-Man is also in trouble by the RSPCA for keeping a rare green tiger without a license.

LIFE ON MARS

Reporter: M. Gosling.
NASA yesterday confirmed that they had received an electronic signal from the red planet. The signal, which was in the form of a letter, was official notice that Mars intends to sue Hollywood for mis-representation. The Letter stated that at no time has Mars invaded, visited, hurled objects at the Earth. Furthermore Marians look nothing like the ones portrayed by Hollywood over the years.

MONKEY MADNESS

Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government have announced that the cabinet is to have a two week Holiday. The Government will be replaced by a set of trained Monkeys. The Monkeys will run the country and make any decisions they feel fit in the time they have power. The entire cabinet have been criticised for this decision to go on holiday for two weeks especially with it co-inciding with the two week visit of the American President George W Bush. The head monkey "BILLY" will take the role of Prime Minister. The American press have covered the situation on American television and have interviewed a spokes person for the white house. The Spokes person stated that the president was looking forward to his visited especially to open communications with the new prime minister. A insider for the white house also stated that Mr Bush was looking forward to finally having a World leader on his level of intelligence and communication.

25th April 2005

2005-04-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

REDKNAPP RELEGATION SHOCKER!

Reporter: G. Drury
It was shockingly revealed last night by one of Portsmouth's cleaners, Steve, that secret vegetarian, Harry Redknapp, never had any intention of keeping Southampton out of relegation. He went on to reveal that Harry actually hates Southampton with a passion and only took the job as manager to make sure they go down. It is believed that he came up with this plan 3 years ago and is going to quit his management career at the end of the season when he has got them relegated and finish his career on a high. After a bit of digging around we can reveal that Harry Redknapp dislikes Southampton so much because of his hatred of any team with meat products in their name after he was sacked by West HAM at the end of the 2000 / 2001 season. LIVERpool, birmingHAM, tottenHAM, and fulHAM are other teams he also would have liked to get relegated before his career was over but he decided that he would have a better chance with soutHAMpton.

WBO TO CHANGE BOXING

Reporter: G. Drury
Over the weekend, WBO announced changes to the way in which their Championship Titles were won and lost.Their Heavyweight titles is now won by causing your opponent to bleed in "first blood" matches. The Lightweight title will now change hands by "beating the buzzer". This involves each boxer to wear a special buzzer that is strapped to their sides and the winner being the boxer who punches his opponents buzzer. The Welterweight title will now be won simply by wearing it and will be under 24/7 rules meaning it can be won at any time day or night and the holder being the last person to wear it. All other titles will remain the same.

GIRLS ALOUD SPLIT?

Reporter: D. Stanley
Nadine Coyle from pop group Girls Aloud has announced today that her legs are leaving the band. Speculation has been rife over such a split ever since it became evident that Nadine's legs had become far and away the most popular member of the group. A spokesperson speaking on behalf of Nadine's legs read to waiting reporters, "It is my sad duty to reveal that the rumours are indeed true and that I am leaving Girls Aloud. I have had a great two years with the girls but now I think it is time to branch out on my own. I look forward to seeing you on stage sometime in the near future".

Nadine's legs releases her new single, a cover of Stairway To Heaven, next month. Nadine's legs' album is believed to be going to be called, "We Need To Be Apart".

ANYONE FOR CRICKET? THOUGHT NOT.

Reporter: M. Gosling
The world was saddened today by news that the Cricket season starts soon. The game which can last for days has bored people now for ages. The world Cricket council have now openly acknowledged the boredom factor within the game and have come up with a number of changes. The changes are to be phased in over the next few seasons and will hopefully increase to the viewing audience in the UK that currently stands at 6. A few ideas on the table include an Explosive ball. The ball will have a small amount of explosive put inside it and a timer attached to it around the rim of the ball. The umpire will randomly set the timer and the ball will obviously go off at anytime during the game. This will be another way that a player can be out!. Other ideas include a 5 minute fight where all the players are able to fight with each other and weaken the other team. All the ideas are still in working progress.

BATMAN QUITS!!

2005-04-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: M. Gosling
Gotham City Council last night announced that Batman had left in a dispute over pay. The Caped Crusader had being defending the city for the past few years walked out of pay talks with the council. The Council will advertise the position in next Fridays Gotham City Times. The advert will read.

Super Hero Required

Super Hero Needed to defend City against crime. At least one super power would be preferred. City will provide calling signal and red phone. Applicant must provide costume, Vehicles and Equipment. No previous experience required. Contact Commissioner Gordon on Gotham 07585785

A spokesman for the Council confirmed that they had been in touch with the X-MEN of the possible position if Batman walked. Negations broke down however when professor Xavier kept reading the Council members minds.

FORMER WWE WRESTLER EXPLODES

2005-04-23T04:33:00.000-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: D. Stanley
Former WWE wrestler Scott Steiner exploded yesterday in a crowded gym. The ex-WCW champion was said to be attempting to benchpress 4000lbs at the time of his death, and experts have attributed this to the cause of his demise. "The pressure on the muscles would have been impossible to imagine," said professor Hopkins from the Muscle and Eyes deptartment of Cambridge University, "and it obviouslly caused his entire organic structure to suddenly explode".

Tributes have since been pouring in since Steiner's death. The Undertaker, Mark Calloway, said, "He was a shit wrestler, but a great man". Shawn Michaels, HBK, stated that he, "Loved him like a retarded sister", and former Intercontinental Champion, The Honky Tonk Man said, "I won a bet with him once and when he couldn't pay up I made him shag a chicken. Top bloke".

When asked if a special tribute would be made on Raw or Smackdown, Vince Mcmahon replied, "Who?".

TOM O'GONNER?

2005-04-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: D. Stanley
The comedian Tom O’ Connor has been killed after a fight with fellow star Des O’ Connor. The scuffle broke out in a London Macdonald’s restaurant after Des claimed to have adopted the surname first. Des, 78, and Tom, 123, both gave themselves the last name when they started their careers in the 1920’s, and a feud immediately began between the pair. They put their differences to one side, however, during the war effort, and had remained good friends up until last night’s fight. A witness said, “Tom just suddenly went ape-s**t and started laying into poor old Des, who tried to defend himself by holding up his new-born baby”. Des soon retaliated, though, and soon a full-blown fist-fight had erupted. Tom is said to have died from “Repeated blows to the funny-bone” and will be buried on Saturday. Des will not attend. The Police are considering arresting him, “When they have time”.

MAN JAILED FOR INCORRECTLY STARTING CAR

2005-04-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: G. Drury
John McGivney, 64, has recently had a few problems starting his Chrysler in a morning.He turned to his friend Steve for help. Steve reportedly sold him a starters pistol and told him if he ever has any problems starting his motor again to just point it at the bonnet and fire the starter. John "McGullable" as he is known to his friends did just this and consequently is spending some time in jail.

CELEBRITY WAREHOUSES

2005-04-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: M. Gosling
Linda Barker was today forced to only do one appearance at a time after her warehouse burnt to the ground today. The warehouse which contained a thousand Linda Barkers burned more quickly because the Barkers were built with cheap flammable settee foam. The fire brigade took over 3 hours to control the blaze. Linda Barker who will be doing over a million personal appearances and endorsements this year is said to be disappointed over the blaze. Carol Voderman categorically denied that she had anything to do with the blaze, the thought came after police admitted that since Barkers rise Voderman stock fell sharply. Carol Vorderman was an icon a couple of years ago she advertised everything and made loads of appearances. The Carol Vorderman warehouse closed at the beginning of the year. Ebay is full of Vodermans for sale to the highest bidder. Celebrity warehouses have become very popular with Celebes wanting to do as many endorsements and appearances as they can. Jeremy Beadle at one time commanded the biggest warehouse. The Two thumb seven and half figure presenter now owns a hundred Jeremy Beadles that he can do nothing with. The nation garden Nome society reportedly offered to take them off his hands.

BUSH LANDING

2005-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: M. Gosling
George W Bush announced to the world this morning that Aliens had landed on the earth and that that they had spoke to him in a primitive Language. He went on to say that they had set up a country and colonised land. They had developed tools and learned how to use horses and earth vehicles to get around The American president then left the stage with a peace gesture from his fingers towards the crowd. The Gathered media stood and applauded the President on his historic meeting with shouts, cheers and praise. Several minuets later a spokesperson for the white house announced that the President Had just come back from Mexico where he met the government and the people.

STAR OF DAVID HASSELHOFF

2005-04-22T11:09:00.001-07:00

16th April - 22nd April

Reporter: D. Stanley
David Hasselhoff is a Jew. The ex-Baywatch star revealed his true religion in a press conference yesterday saying that he “could no longer keep it inside”. The Knight Foundation is said to be “Shocked and saddened” by the news. KITT refused to comment.

UK TO SPLIT?

2005-04-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

16th APRIL - 22nd APRIL

Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government announced that in a United Kingdom shake up they are to sell Wales to the highest bidder. The country will go on the market in the next two weeks. Several "FOR SALE" signs will be placed along the boarder with England to help attract prospective buyers. The culture sectary Chris Clarke strongly denied this was a move to help make being English popular again. However Clarke who likes the odd drink was in a bar on Friday night with a top secret reporter working for us. After several pints of lager and Vodka chasers the secretary for state stated "Everyone and their mother claims that they are Welsh these days. An investigation was run by us to find stuff out you see. We found out that Tom Jones was actually from Bognor Regis for god sake. We also looked into a report of 'The Secret Welsh Society' this group try to convert English celebs and V.i.p's into becoming Welsh".
This disturbing information is why we here we believe that the Government plans to sell the country. The media is rife with who will exactly buy and rule the county. The major contended include the countries of Iran and Cuba and more surprisingly Peru. However a group of Welsh Celebs lead by former STEPS singer 'H' have announced that they are trying to come up with money. The group calling themselves 'Forever Welsh" are to try a number of ideas to raise funds without touching their own money. A single will be launched sung by the famous voices of Wales with "H" himself leading the group. The single called "Hello Boy 'o' will be released on Monday.
If successful the Celebes intend to form a Government voted by the people. Many rules will be introduced including a "being banned for not been properly Welsh" also ginger hair and everyone changing their surname to Jones will come into force.

POPE'S HIS CLOGS

2005-04-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

8th April - 15th April

Reporter: D. Stanley
The pope’s body-double is to be buried today. The fake Pope was killed by Cardinals, just as tradition states, just seconds after the real Pope died. The Cardinals used a huge, iron cross dropped from a great height to kill the duplicate Pontiff, just as all the fake popes before him, and his remains were scooped up into a special holy bucket which bears the symbol of two Popes intertwined amid a question mark.
The fake Pope, real name Edward Wickerman, will be laid to rest in an exact replica of Saint Peter’s church in Rome’s sister city of Hull.
Reports of the fake Pope “Trying to leg it” as the Cardinals tried to kill him are “greatly exaggerated” said the church today.

BRICKIES BAG THE BABES

2005-04-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

16th APRIL - 22nd APRIL

Reporter: G. Drury.
After a flurry of complaints from the Brickies Workers Union that there were not enough women walking past building sites for them to whistle at, the Construction Industry Training Board (CITB) have come up with a solution - provide more women on-site. They are to spend £1 million getting rid of the "blokes, bums, and bricks" image of the current male builders and employ some local talent to stand around, look pretty, and be whistled at. Nicola Thompson, of the CITB (rumoured by Steve the Brickie to be a lesbian) said "The construction industry is missing out on much needed talent due to an out-dated image that's a reasl turn off for women." Steve the Brickie also added "Wahey, bring the talent round. I'm fed up of seeing Miss Old Bag walking past with her shopping trolley every day. Now we'll have something proper to gawp at instead of working."

C.S.A. TO BRANCH OUT

2005-04-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

16th APRIL - 22nd APRIL

Reporter: G. Drury
The C.S.A. (Child Support Agency) has recently announced it's plans to branch out into other areas. The most recent venture has been to venture into the medical world. The C.S.A.'s first course of action was to inform someone of their parental status. They informed a Stephan Davis that he is a father of a five month old baby. Stephen is reported to be a virgin at present and can't imagine how the C.S.A. could come up with this. A C.S.A. spokeswoman very helpfully said "sometimes mistakes happen". Stephan's friend Steve is reported to have said "They are obviously no better at this than they are providing Child Support. Maybe they should give micro-bio-technology development a try next."

9th April - 15th April

2005-04-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

25p CAUSES MAN TO COMMIT SUICIDE

Reporter: G. Drury.
New information brought to life in a case where a man commited suicide on the eve of his 58th birthday has revealed why he may have took his own life. It appears that he became depressed after someone had stolen his TV and his favorite pair of trainers. Not only that but his pocket money had been cut to just 25p a day. Living so far away from his wife Primrose, this cut didn't afford him much time on the phone and she couldn't get out to visit him that often. Not widely reported is that many staff members convinced Mr Harold Shipman to take part in the prison's boy scout scheme and to pay particular attention to the knot tying badge. Mr Shipman, no longer being able to ply his trade as a serial killing doctor, thought this could be a good way to pass the time. Mr Shipman was given his own lengths of rope to practice on in his spare time. "Who was to know he would hang himself? We even took many of his other things away so he could concentrate on getting his badge." said Steve, one of the Guards on duty.

RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER

Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.

PRISON BLAZE CAUSES OUTCRY

Reporter: G. Drury.
Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furiou that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".

WORLD NEWS

Reporter: M. Gosling
It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.

*ARCHIVE REPORT*
NOAH PHOBIC

Noah today was called an homophobic by the gay animal community. Noah 55 is building a Ark to save 2 pairs of each of the worlds animals. However reports are saying that he is choosing animals in pairs of different sexes. Same sex animal relationships were accepted earlier this year. The government have said that no great flood is coming and that everyone is safe.

DOWNING STREET PROTEST

Reproter: G. Drury.
Wives of MG Rover workers were joined by confused women on Wednesday as they marched on Downing Street to petition the Government to put more pressure on a chinese firm to come up with a rescue package. Many came armed with banners and posters. Steve from security said "it's a good job they're a bit stupid and didn't come armed with actuall weapons or they'll have been locked up." One protester had a sing with "SAVE ROVER" on it. When asked for comment, she said "I'm a single mother and can't afford the vets bills. His health is decreasing every day unless I can get some help. Please, help save my Rover" One protestor was a bit confused and couldn't decide what to protest exactly by holding a sign that says "SAVE BRITISH INDUSTRY" and "SAVE BRITISH CARS" on the same sign. Some were outside saying "Don't forget about us Mr Blair." Steve on security said that they had been there for 2 weeks waiting for an answer from Mr Blair about whether or not he liked thier tap dancing skills. My Blair has still to comment. In fact, I think he's forgotten about them".

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Competitiveness is the illusion of talent - D. Stanley

2nd April - 8th April

2005-04-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

SHOWBIZ

There was trouble in the air Monday night as the celebrity couple of the minute looked to be in danger of ending. Nicola was set to ring Jamie during the night but when no phone call was forthcoming, Jamie rang her several times to no avail. It was then that Gavin decided to ring her also to see if he could catch her but yet again no answer was forthcoming. It wasn't until a couple of minutes later when the trouble started as Nicola rang Gavin back to see who it was a she didn't have his number. Upon finding out that it was, she asked to be put through to Jamie who wasn't impressed that she got back to Gavin before her boyfriend. Nothing serious came of it however and this looks like it could be Jamie’s longest relationship yet.

ROYAL AFFAIRS

Although at a memorial service for the Pope yesterday, Prince Charles could not get this Saturday’s event out of his mind. It is a time he does not look forward to every year. Grand National Day. You see, his partner Camilla loves to go to the biggest day in the Horse Racing Calendar every year and every year Charles loses her and ends up talking to one of the runners he mistakes for his partner. He is very embarrassed about this and is always looking for new ways to cancel this trip. This year, he has found the perfect solution. His wedding day was scheduled for the upcoming Friday but as he attended the memorial service in London he realized the Official service was on the very same Friday. He realized he could cancel the Wedding under the pretense of going to Rome and put the wedding back a day and overlapping the Grand National - Problem solved.
The world’s foremost astrologer - Justin Toper - has looked into the stars to see what the future holds for this couple. He said "They may be happy".

WORLD NEWS

Jason Francia, who gave his testimony in the Michael Jackson case on Wednesday, is at the subject of an investigation into the behavior of two of the Jurors. The two Jurors are alleged to have been heard laughing at him during a break in proceedings. They were overheard by two "sources" (read - we made this bit up) who claim they were laughing and joking about Jason Francia who alleges he was abused as a child. They are reported to have said things like "boo hoo, he got touched by Michael Jackson. Boo hoo" A spokesperson for Jason said "I can't believe the insensitive comments they were spouting. He suffered terribly as a child for this and we're not going to let Michael Jackson get away with it. We can let him off for throwing Jason in the air and catching him, We can look past him swinging Jason by his arms, Ruffling his hair up is also excusable, but when he tickled Jason, that was the last straw".

SPORT

In a bid to keep a player he highly regards, Ashley Cole, Wenger hatched a plan to keep him and ward of interest from other clubs. He decided that whilst on the world stage, being watched by millions, he would convince Cole to play crap. And what a good actor Cole is because I certainly believed it. As a reward for this, Wenger has offered him a brand new contract to show his appreciation. He is to receive about £70,000 a week, almost double what he is currently receiving.

GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES

2005-04-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

It appears as though there are certain people out there that do not want to see T.W.A.T.S. published. They would rather the truth not get out about certain things. The Government, with it's control of the media couldn't allow a unofficial, uncontrolled news source to circulate, telling the world what is really happening and not just what the Government allows you to think is hapening. The first issue was due to be published about 2000hrs on Sunday night but the powers that be stepped in to put an end to that. Some sort of "bomb" was sent through my broadband connection at around 1930hrs which casued my computer to restart several times in quick succession and now will not re-start at all leaving the first issue unaccesable. As soon as my P.C is repaired, I can garentee i will be bringing this to the world. No Government can stop me.