RE: The River Ripper News Report On Radio 1
....and the chief inspector on the case has this message for the killer.
INSPECTOR: If the killer would like to get in touch with us, we have trained police officers ready to take your call.
-----cut to training school-----
LECTURER: Welcome to the taking phone calls training course
We'll start off with Steve here demonstrating how not to answer a phone call.
A phone on the desk starts ringing.
STEVE: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?
LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Paul?
PAUL: He was just speaking at the phone, you need to pick it up first.
LECTURER: Do you care to demonstrate this to the class Paul?
PAUL: Sure.
Paul gets up and the phone starts ringing again. Paul picks up the phone.
PAUL: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?
LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Robert?
ROBERT: He picked up the whole phone, you only need to pick the reciever bit up.
LECTURER: Why don't you come to the front and demonstrate?
The phone rings and Robert picks up the reciever.
ROBERT: Hello?......Hold on, I'll just get him for you.
Robert passes the phone reciever to the lecturer who puts it back on the phone base.
LECTURER: Well done Robert. That class is how you answer a phone. Tomorrow we'll look at the more complicated procedure of pressing a call accept button to answer a call.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
31st October 2006
Mischievous Night
"As halloween has come around again, that means the nasties have come out again, and I don't mean the ghouls and ghosts, I'm talking about teenage yobs. For many teenagers, last night, known as mischievous night, is a chance for a bit of a laugh for them playing silly little pranks. Unfortunately today's youths don't seem to grasp this concept and have taken it too far and to dangerous and violent levels causing all kinds of damage. Yesterday I went to Liverpool to find out more about this and talked to various youths about their plans for the night. One youth said we're going to throw stones and bricks. Another saying they're going round smashing bus windows and things for a laugh. More tales like this came from various other youths of wanton destruction and last night there were 58 arrests in Liverpool alone. Calls have been made to put an end to Halloween and Mischievous night. I have with me now Police Officer Steven Ramsbottom. Steven, is it true there were 58 arrests last night?"
"Yes, that is correct"
"And what were those arrests for? Were they all for destruction of property and kids getting carried away?"
"Mostly yes. 57 were actually teenagers causing bother and one for drink driving"
"57? That is an extremely high number for one city, they must have caused thousands of pounds of damage between them. Do you agree with calls for putting an end to Halloween and in particular Mischievous night?"
"Now why would there be any need for that?"
"What about all the destruction they caused last night? Is that not reason enough?"
"This is Liverpool, that was a normal night for us."
"ummmm.....cut"
(there actually were 57 arrests)
"As halloween has come around again, that means the nasties have come out again, and I don't mean the ghouls and ghosts, I'm talking about teenage yobs. For many teenagers, last night, known as mischievous night, is a chance for a bit of a laugh for them playing silly little pranks. Unfortunately today's youths don't seem to grasp this concept and have taken it too far and to dangerous and violent levels causing all kinds of damage. Yesterday I went to Liverpool to find out more about this and talked to various youths about their plans for the night. One youth said we're going to throw stones and bricks. Another saying they're going round smashing bus windows and things for a laugh. More tales like this came from various other youths of wanton destruction and last night there were 58 arrests in Liverpool alone. Calls have been made to put an end to Halloween and Mischievous night. I have with me now Police Officer Steven Ramsbottom. Steven, is it true there were 58 arrests last night?"
"Yes, that is correct"
"And what were those arrests for? Were they all for destruction of property and kids getting carried away?"
"Mostly yes. 57 were actually teenagers causing bother and one for drink driving"
"57? That is an extremely high number for one city, they must have caused thousands of pounds of damage between them. Do you agree with calls for putting an end to Halloween and in particular Mischievous night?"
"Now why would there be any need for that?"
"What about all the destruction they caused last night? Is that not reason enough?"
"This is Liverpool, that was a normal night for us."
"ummmm.....cut"
(there actually were 57 arrests)
Friday, September 29, 2006
29th September 2006
HEALTHY EATING INITATIVE
Reports have come in today that the Government's new healty eating initiative is starting to work. The iniative's spokesperson gave us a follow up statement to yesterday's report. "Today we have saved the future of at least 2 teenagers health that were intending to eat at McDonalds for dinner. Hopefully the rest of the people in the restaurant takes on board what they saw and will stop going to McDonalds in future." With good news like this, hopefully the youth of today can saved before it's too late. Unfortunately we can't get a comment from one of the teenagers that have been saved from the unhealthy lifestyle as he is in a medicated state at the minute and unable to speak but his friend with him at the time had this to say. "We were just queuing up for a McDonalds when someone ran in with a gun and shot me in the arm and my friend in the chest then ran away again".
28th September 2006
Healthy Eating Initative
The Government has yesterday announced it is to be putting into motion it's new initiative to help curb the growing problem of obesity in England. They are growing concerned with the increasing number of children eating less healthy food and more unhealthy foods like Chips and Burgers. A spokesperson for the new initiative said "Jamie Oliver has done a lot to raise the awareness of this in schools but unfortunately the fact is that children are turning their noses up at health school dinners and are seeking their own dinner in town from places like McDonalds. We are hoping our new measures will make children think twice before going to places like McDonalds for their dinner in future"
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
10th May 2006
David Blaine has shown himself many a time to the be greatest Gav in the world. Or he's trying to prove he is by becoming the greatest person ever at standing around and doing nothing. He's stood at the top of a pole doing nothing. Stood in a block of ice doing nothing. Then he couldn't be bothered even standing around doing nothing so he sat in a box doing nothing. Sitting was obviously too much of an effort now he's taken to floating in water doing nothing.
With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.
STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)
The difference between America and Britain?
In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.
In Britain : Idiot.
With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.
STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)
The difference between America and Britain?
In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.
In Britain : Idiot.
Monday, January 23, 2006
24th January 2006
DRINK DRIVING
Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury
PIGEON FARCE
A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling
WOMBLE MANIA
The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury
PIGEON FARCE
A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling
WOMBLE MANIA
The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
10th January 2006
NEW MONEY
The bank of England today announced a new money note. The £3.33 bank note will be released at the end of this month. The new note depicts the actual moment Robin Hood was captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham while hiding in the great oak tree in Sherwood forest. The picture shows it was a warm June evening with a distinctly orange sunset on what was an obviously windy day. The Queens head is of course on the other side looking grim, this is to represent the monarchs feelings over her sons recent marriage. The note is oval in shape and the size of a current 50 pence coin.Reporter: M. Gosling
KEVIN Vs RIDLEY
Hollywood announced that a film on the life and times of William Shatner was finally finished last week. The film that took over 3 years to complete was directed by Kevin Costner and edited by Ridley Scott. The film that was originally 13 days long when Costner had finished and was edited down to just 2 minutes by Scott. The pair fought over the length of the film for several months. The epic battle on the films length is now to be turned into a short film which will be only 3 minuets long. Production on the film will start this week. Samuel L Jackson turned down a major role in the 3 minuet film stating that his part would be too long.
Reporter: M. Gosling
ADVERTISEMENT
OUT NOW!!!
Magnum PI Special Edition DVD Box Set!
Includes;
All six seasons of the hit TV show, including the untransmitted seventh season, which saw Tom Selleck replaced by Mark Hamill.
Special eight hour documentary, "Don't Mention 'Folks'", a detailed insight into Tom Selleck's life and career.
Special holgram badge which depicts Tom Selleck with and without his moustache.
A "Delete Higgins" feature.
A gag real, which shows unseen gems such as, The black guy falling out of his helicopter, Higgins being mauled by his dogs, Tom Selleck acidentally running Higgins down in his car, A montage of Tom Selleck's repulsive Hawaiian shirts causing various co-stars to be sick.
Deleted scenes, Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network), Higgins reveals he is a transvestite, Batman turns up, Magnum's rape scene, Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.
The Christmas Special, which was a special crossover episode with Knight Rider. Magnum goes and solves a morbid murder case with KITT while Michael Knight spends the whole episode trying to talk to Magnum's Ferrari.
Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.
Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.
The bank of England today announced a new money note. The £3.33 bank note will be released at the end of this month. The new note depicts the actual moment Robin Hood was captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham while hiding in the great oak tree in Sherwood forest. The picture shows it was a warm June evening with a distinctly orange sunset on what was an obviously windy day. The Queens head is of course on the other side looking grim, this is to represent the monarchs feelings over her sons recent marriage. The note is oval in shape and the size of a current 50 pence coin.Reporter: M. Gosling
KEVIN Vs RIDLEY
Hollywood announced that a film on the life and times of William Shatner was finally finished last week. The film that took over 3 years to complete was directed by Kevin Costner and edited by Ridley Scott. The film that was originally 13 days long when Costner had finished and was edited down to just 2 minutes by Scott. The pair fought over the length of the film for several months. The epic battle on the films length is now to be turned into a short film which will be only 3 minuets long. Production on the film will start this week. Samuel L Jackson turned down a major role in the 3 minuet film stating that his part would be too long.
Reporter: M. Gosling
ADVERTISEMENT
OUT NOW!!!
Magnum PI Special Edition DVD Box Set!
Includes;
All six seasons of the hit TV show, including the untransmitted seventh season, which saw Tom Selleck replaced by Mark Hamill.
Special eight hour documentary, "Don't Mention 'Folks'", a detailed insight into Tom Selleck's life and career.
Special holgram badge which depicts Tom Selleck with and without his moustache.
A "Delete Higgins" feature.
A gag real, which shows unseen gems such as, The black guy falling out of his helicopter, Higgins being mauled by his dogs, Tom Selleck acidentally running Higgins down in his car, A montage of Tom Selleck's repulsive Hawaiian shirts causing various co-stars to be sick.
Deleted scenes, Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network), Higgins reveals he is a transvestite, Batman turns up, Magnum's rape scene, Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.
The Christmas Special, which was a special crossover episode with Knight Rider. Magnum goes and solves a morbid murder case with KITT while Michael Knight spends the whole episode trying to talk to Magnum's Ferrari.
Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.
Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
5th January 2006
FROM THE LOST ARCHIVES
Here's a special interview with little-known Buffy/Angel/Firefly writer/producer/director (and Joss Whedon confidante), David "Boom Boom" Stanley.
(Source: SFX Magazine Nov 2005)
1. How are you? So very sleepy. I've been up all night with Joss making a Wonder Woman costume. He says he wants to "save the company money".
2. Where are you right now? In Joss' garage. Dressed as Wonder Woman. Joss is making me do action poses and taking pictures. Sometimes I hate my job.
3. What are you doing for the rest of today? I have to meet Steven S. DeKnight to discuss why Dawn was a bad idea and hypothesize how to write her out of history.
4. What's your favorite British show? Me and Jeffrey Bell are currently working on an English version of Sealab 2021. If it happens that will be my favorite show.
5. What's your favorite British swear word? C**t. It's horrible when Americans say it, but oddly endearing with a British accent. "C**t!". See?
6. Are you running out of ambitions? There are many things I want to do yet. Like re-write the Star Wars prequels, star in my own solo West End show and invent a new type of food. So, no.
7. Which is your favorite Western? Is that a trick question?.
8. Which is your favorite science fiction movie? Dude, where's my Car?
9. Which is your favorite musical? Mary Poppins. I still chimney sweep on the side because of that movie.
10. Who is your favorite James Bond? Me. And Moore.
11. Who is your favorite Doctor Who? Baker. And me.
12. Who's your favorite other person called David? Boreanaz. I sometimes pretend he's my dad.
13. When were you drunk last? I'm drunk now. And always will be.
14. Superman or Spiderman? Spidey. Supes is a prick.
15. Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
16. Will there be any more of Buffy? Joss wants to do some, but me and Steven S. DeKnight won't let him until he rectifies his Dawn mistake.
17. Will there be any more of Angel? There should have been a sixth season, but Joss wanted to bring over Dawn, so me and Steven S. DeKnight locked him in his cellar and told the network we wouldn't be doing any more.
18. Will there be any more of Firefly? We actually filmed 10 more episodes, but Joss didn't like the new character I introduced (played by me) so he scrapped them. The git. He was a good character too. His name was Chad and he had some rather interesting questions for Book...
19. Who did you take to the prom? Billie Piper. Then I remembered we don't have proms in England so me and Billie just sat in the empty sports hall drinking tea.
20. Are you spreading yourself too thinly, and is this a good thing? Yes, no, maybe. What?
21. What's your favorite biological function? Peeing is very inconvenient and you have to do it too much. But who doesn't love a good crap? I once went seven times in one day... (Aren’t you glad real life doesn't have flashbacks?)
22. Who is your hero? The Granddad from "Bread".
23. What would you do if all your shows ended tomorrow? Phone Joss and ask him what I should do with my life now. Then phone Steven S. DeKnight.
24. Which show do you enjoy writing the most? I wrote an episode of Golden Girls once, which I really enjoyed. It got axed. Apparently, they didn't like my new character (which I played). His name was Chad and he had questions for Bea...
25. Which show do you enjoy directing the most? See above.
26. Which actor gives you the most backtalk? Glenn Quinn. Well, he did until I accidentally...er, never mind.
27. Which writer never agrees with you? Joss. That's why his shows keep getting cancelled.
28. Which movie would you loved to have written? Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
29. Which movie do you regret having any involvement in? Alien Resurrection.
30. How many hours of sleep do you get at night? 12-15
31. What's the most irritating question someone has have ever asked you? When did you last see Glenn Quinn, sir?
32. Which book would you recommend everybody should read? The Marvel Superhero Omnibus 1986.
33. Who is the most overlooked person on television? Me.
34. Who should be the most overlooked person on television? Joss Whedon.
35. Kirk or Picard? Picard. Kirk was a reckless idiot who kept endangering his crew. And he fancied Spock. And he was played by William Shatner. Case closed.
36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe.
37. Has anyone ever come up to you and said "I loved you in The Shawshank Redemption?" Yes.
38. What's the worst part of making a television show? Cleaning Joss' shoes every morning.
39. And what's the best? Paper fights with Steven S. DeKnight.
40. What's the worst line of dialogue you've ever written? According to Joss it's, "Hello, my name is Chad (pause) and I have questions for you, "Book"..."
41. And what's the best? Wash: "It's simple, Mal. These three switches mean (Flicking them as he goes) Ready..set...GO!" (It was cut)
42. Is the character of Wash in Firefly based on you? Yes.
43. Would you do Faith the Vampire Slayer if Eliza Dushku would commit to it? Absolutely. But Joss won't let me. He's still angry about that sex scene I wrote for her in Buffy involving Faith, Buffy and Chad (Played by me). It was cut. Besides, Eliza refuses to work with me after my "muff" remark last year. I can't talk about it for legal reasons.
44. Does it worry you that Spike is such a popular character--he's evil! So am I.
45. If you could do a crossover episode of Buffy, Angel, or Firefly with any other show, what would it be? Sealab. The English version.
46. What do you think of fan fiction: flattering or embarrassing? A bit of both. Like my work (according to Joss)
47. For budgetary reasons, you have to do a "clip" episode of Angel. How would you make it different from the norm? It would only be the clips of Wesley falling over.
48. What was your nickname in school? "Odd shoes"
49. If they did Buffy Big Brother, who would win? Chad
50. Is Hamlet mad? How the f**k should I know?
51. Do you see the influence of Buffy on other shows (i.e., Smallville)? Not Buffy's influence - Mine
52. Can I show you my script? No. If Joss doesn't look at mine, I won't look at yours. (Wow. THIS is what power feels like)
53. Who are the best people to hang out with--actors, writers, producers,
or directors? I do all three and nobody hangs with me (Apart from Steven S. DeKnight, but he doesn't count)
54. How good are you in a fight? I once made Steven S. DeKnight cry by flicking his eyes. Does that answer your question?
55. How many times have you been asked if you believe in vampires? 125. I always say yes before running off screaming, “The sun! It burns! IT BURNS!!”
56. What's the best dessert in the world? Sahara
57. Can you tell us a joke? Don petrie.
58. Do you feel Saddam Hussein might become a better person if he watched Buffy? He’s already a big fan. In fact, he asked if he could do a cameo once and we said yes. He’s the singing demon in “Once More…With Feeling”.
59. What's the record that changed your life? Most people in a Mini.
60. When was the last time you felt wide awake? 1982
61. What's the best time of day. Just before Dawn. Just like my favorite Buffy episodes,
62. Did you have any input in the very last episode of Buffy? Joss asked me what would make the last episode memorable. I thought about it and then said, “Batman!”. He stifled some laughter and then left the room with tears rolling down his cheeks.
63. Given a choice, would you be a vampire and live forever? I’m already going to live forever. I’m an immortal. The film Highlander was based on me.
64. When Angel started, were any of the characters going to end up on Angel other than Cordy and Wesley? I proposed to Joss that we take Buffy’s mom over to be Angel’s new love interest. He threw his coffee over me. He has now done it every morning since to “discipline my mind”.
65. Do you think that the series would stand more chance at the Emmys with a different name? Yes. “Faith the Vampire Slayer”. Or “Chad – The Alcohol Years”
66. What scares you? My talent.
67. How did you vote in the last election? I went into a little booth and put a cross next to some guys name.
68. Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf? Should I be? Do I owe her money?
69. Which was your favorite Golden Girl character? Chad.
70. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was shit.
71. What story will you never tell on Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Anything to do with poofs.
72. What are your pets called? Spike, Faith, Steven S. DeKnight and Chad.
73. How long will we have to wait for Ripper? Me and Steven S. DeKnight have already outlined a plot for the pilot. It revolves around Giles trying to find the ghost of Richard Whiteley. Joss as yet to give it the green light.
74. Do you believe in God? Every time I look in the mirror.
75. Would John Wayne have been out of place in Firefly? If episode 16 had been made, that question would have been answered.
76. Have you played the Buffy computer game? No. Everyone knows it’s shit.
77. How big is your television? I don’t have one. Steven S. DeKnight decided that we should throw out our TVs to escape the influence of the “Network poison” as this would help us come up with truly original ideas. He has since written three episodes of a show about devil robots and I have spent four months writing a movie called “Chad Begins”. So it’s clearly worked a treat!
78. Have you ever broken the law? Only when I accidentally killed Gle…no.
79. Which car do you drive? Mine.
80. Were you at Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding? Yes. Me and Steven S. DeKnight went dressed as Shaggy and Scooby Doo. We weren’t popular.
81. Would you eat at Doublemeat Palace? Are you questioning my sexuality?
82. Has anyone ever mentioned that the Serenity looks a bit like a plucked parrot? I designed the ship after accidentally walking in on Joss in the shower.
83. Which is your favorite member of The Magnificent Seven? Bashful.
84. Which show does your wife prefer, Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Or won't she tell you? I wish people would stop calling Steven S. DeKnight my wife.
85. Which show on U.S. TV at the moment do you love ... other than your own? Seeing as I don’t have a TV, I don’t have any favorite shows. Me and Steven S. DeKnight entertain ourselves by looking out of the window and doing the voices for people who walk past.
86. Who let the dogs out? I honestly don’t know what some of these questions mean.
87. How many series do you think you could run at once without exploding? We actually had a meeting about this once. Joss concluded that he could do no more than two, so me and Steven S. DeKnight laughed and called him a sissy. He slapped us both and fined us our clothes.
88. Can you speak Chinese? I fail to see the point unless I plan to go to China. Which I won’t. Cos it’s shit.
89. Can you ride a horse? Are you asking me, or in general? If it’s the latter then yes. If the former then no.
90. If you could write a song for any artist, who would you choose? I have just wrote a few songs for the new Katie Melua album. It took me ages to count those f**king bicycles.
91. Would YOU have survived Sunnydale High? Yes. I would have wrote myself as the hero.
92. What's the thing you're proudest of in this world? A jacket I got from Matalan.
93. What makes you happy? Cocaine
94. What makes you sad? The Matrix.
95. Do you find Benny Hill funny? Yes. I often walked very quickly, singing the theme tune, on the set of Angel. Sometimes during takes. David Boreanaz thought it was hilarious. I walked into a door once while doing it and he pissed himself laughing.
96. Who put the bob in the bob sh-bop? What the fuck are you on about?
97. Having worked in America, can you justify Twinkies to everyone in the UK? No. It’s like us justifying Jeremy Irons.
98. SFX is 100 issues old. Where do you want to be when you're 100? Dancing on Joss’ grave while holding an Oscar in each hand. Or Blackpool.
99. Does the Internet ever scare you? Only when I type “Sweaty Joss” into google.
100. Are you pleased this questionnaire is over? No. It’s the most work I’ve done in five years.
Here's a special interview with little-known Buffy/Angel/Firefly writer/producer/director (and Joss Whedon confidante), David "Boom Boom" Stanley.
(Source: SFX Magazine Nov 2005)
1. How are you? So very sleepy. I've been up all night with Joss making a Wonder Woman costume. He says he wants to "save the company money".
2. Where are you right now? In Joss' garage. Dressed as Wonder Woman. Joss is making me do action poses and taking pictures. Sometimes I hate my job.
3. What are you doing for the rest of today? I have to meet Steven S. DeKnight to discuss why Dawn was a bad idea and hypothesize how to write her out of history.
4. What's your favorite British show? Me and Jeffrey Bell are currently working on an English version of Sealab 2021. If it happens that will be my favorite show.
5. What's your favorite British swear word? C**t. It's horrible when Americans say it, but oddly endearing with a British accent. "C**t!". See?
6. Are you running out of ambitions? There are many things I want to do yet. Like re-write the Star Wars prequels, star in my own solo West End show and invent a new type of food. So, no.
7. Which is your favorite Western? Is that a trick question?.
8. Which is your favorite science fiction movie? Dude, where's my Car?
9. Which is your favorite musical? Mary Poppins. I still chimney sweep on the side because of that movie.
10. Who is your favorite James Bond? Me. And Moore.
11. Who is your favorite Doctor Who? Baker. And me.
12. Who's your favorite other person called David? Boreanaz. I sometimes pretend he's my dad.
13. When were you drunk last? I'm drunk now. And always will be.
14. Superman or Spiderman? Spidey. Supes is a prick.
15. Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
16. Will there be any more of Buffy? Joss wants to do some, but me and Steven S. DeKnight won't let him until he rectifies his Dawn mistake.
17. Will there be any more of Angel? There should have been a sixth season, but Joss wanted to bring over Dawn, so me and Steven S. DeKnight locked him in his cellar and told the network we wouldn't be doing any more.
18. Will there be any more of Firefly? We actually filmed 10 more episodes, but Joss didn't like the new character I introduced (played by me) so he scrapped them. The git. He was a good character too. His name was Chad and he had some rather interesting questions for Book...
19. Who did you take to the prom? Billie Piper. Then I remembered we don't have proms in England so me and Billie just sat in the empty sports hall drinking tea.
20. Are you spreading yourself too thinly, and is this a good thing? Yes, no, maybe. What?
21. What's your favorite biological function? Peeing is very inconvenient and you have to do it too much. But who doesn't love a good crap? I once went seven times in one day... (Aren’t you glad real life doesn't have flashbacks?)
22. Who is your hero? The Granddad from "Bread".
23. What would you do if all your shows ended tomorrow? Phone Joss and ask him what I should do with my life now. Then phone Steven S. DeKnight.
24. Which show do you enjoy writing the most? I wrote an episode of Golden Girls once, which I really enjoyed. It got axed. Apparently, they didn't like my new character (which I played). His name was Chad and he had questions for Bea...
25. Which show do you enjoy directing the most? See above.
26. Which actor gives you the most backtalk? Glenn Quinn. Well, he did until I accidentally...er, never mind.
27. Which writer never agrees with you? Joss. That's why his shows keep getting cancelled.
28. Which movie would you loved to have written? Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
29. Which movie do you regret having any involvement in? Alien Resurrection.
30. How many hours of sleep do you get at night? 12-15
31. What's the most irritating question someone has have ever asked you? When did you last see Glenn Quinn, sir?
32. Which book would you recommend everybody should read? The Marvel Superhero Omnibus 1986.
33. Who is the most overlooked person on television? Me.
34. Who should be the most overlooked person on television? Joss Whedon.
35. Kirk or Picard? Picard. Kirk was a reckless idiot who kept endangering his crew. And he fancied Spock. And he was played by William Shatner. Case closed.
36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe.
37. Has anyone ever come up to you and said "I loved you in The Shawshank Redemption?" Yes.
38. What's the worst part of making a television show? Cleaning Joss' shoes every morning.
39. And what's the best? Paper fights with Steven S. DeKnight.
40. What's the worst line of dialogue you've ever written? According to Joss it's, "Hello, my name is Chad (pause) and I have questions for you, "Book"..."
41. And what's the best? Wash: "It's simple, Mal. These three switches mean (Flicking them as he goes) Ready..set...GO!" (It was cut)
42. Is the character of Wash in Firefly based on you? Yes.
43. Would you do Faith the Vampire Slayer if Eliza Dushku would commit to it? Absolutely. But Joss won't let me. He's still angry about that sex scene I wrote for her in Buffy involving Faith, Buffy and Chad (Played by me). It was cut. Besides, Eliza refuses to work with me after my "muff" remark last year. I can't talk about it for legal reasons.
44. Does it worry you that Spike is such a popular character--he's evil! So am I.
45. If you could do a crossover episode of Buffy, Angel, or Firefly with any other show, what would it be? Sealab. The English version.
46. What do you think of fan fiction: flattering or embarrassing? A bit of both. Like my work (according to Joss)
47. For budgetary reasons, you have to do a "clip" episode of Angel. How would you make it different from the norm? It would only be the clips of Wesley falling over.
48. What was your nickname in school? "Odd shoes"
49. If they did Buffy Big Brother, who would win? Chad
50. Is Hamlet mad? How the f**k should I know?
51. Do you see the influence of Buffy on other shows (i.e., Smallville)? Not Buffy's influence - Mine
52. Can I show you my script? No. If Joss doesn't look at mine, I won't look at yours. (Wow. THIS is what power feels like)
53. Who are the best people to hang out with--actors, writers, producers,
or directors? I do all three and nobody hangs with me (Apart from Steven S. DeKnight, but he doesn't count)
54. How good are you in a fight? I once made Steven S. DeKnight cry by flicking his eyes. Does that answer your question?
55. How many times have you been asked if you believe in vampires? 125. I always say yes before running off screaming, “The sun! It burns! IT BURNS!!”
56. What's the best dessert in the world? Sahara
57. Can you tell us a joke? Don petrie.
58. Do you feel Saddam Hussein might become a better person if he watched Buffy? He’s already a big fan. In fact, he asked if he could do a cameo once and we said yes. He’s the singing demon in “Once More…With Feeling”.
59. What's the record that changed your life? Most people in a Mini.
60. When was the last time you felt wide awake? 1982
61. What's the best time of day. Just before Dawn. Just like my favorite Buffy episodes,
62. Did you have any input in the very last episode of Buffy? Joss asked me what would make the last episode memorable. I thought about it and then said, “Batman!”. He stifled some laughter and then left the room with tears rolling down his cheeks.
63. Given a choice, would you be a vampire and live forever? I’m already going to live forever. I’m an immortal. The film Highlander was based on me.
64. When Angel started, were any of the characters going to end up on Angel other than Cordy and Wesley? I proposed to Joss that we take Buffy’s mom over to be Angel’s new love interest. He threw his coffee over me. He has now done it every morning since to “discipline my mind”.
65. Do you think that the series would stand more chance at the Emmys with a different name? Yes. “Faith the Vampire Slayer”. Or “Chad – The Alcohol Years”
66. What scares you? My talent.
67. How did you vote in the last election? I went into a little booth and put a cross next to some guys name.
68. Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf? Should I be? Do I owe her money?
69. Which was your favorite Golden Girl character? Chad.
70. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was shit.
71. What story will you never tell on Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Anything to do with poofs.
72. What are your pets called? Spike, Faith, Steven S. DeKnight and Chad.
73. How long will we have to wait for Ripper? Me and Steven S. DeKnight have already outlined a plot for the pilot. It revolves around Giles trying to find the ghost of Richard Whiteley. Joss as yet to give it the green light.
74. Do you believe in God? Every time I look in the mirror.
75. Would John Wayne have been out of place in Firefly? If episode 16 had been made, that question would have been answered.
76. Have you played the Buffy computer game? No. Everyone knows it’s shit.
77. How big is your television? I don’t have one. Steven S. DeKnight decided that we should throw out our TVs to escape the influence of the “Network poison” as this would help us come up with truly original ideas. He has since written three episodes of a show about devil robots and I have spent four months writing a movie called “Chad Begins”. So it’s clearly worked a treat!
78. Have you ever broken the law? Only when I accidentally killed Gle…no.
79. Which car do you drive? Mine.
80. Were you at Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding? Yes. Me and Steven S. DeKnight went dressed as Shaggy and Scooby Doo. We weren’t popular.
81. Would you eat at Doublemeat Palace? Are you questioning my sexuality?
82. Has anyone ever mentioned that the Serenity looks a bit like a plucked parrot? I designed the ship after accidentally walking in on Joss in the shower.
83. Which is your favorite member of The Magnificent Seven? Bashful.
84. Which show does your wife prefer, Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Or won't she tell you? I wish people would stop calling Steven S. DeKnight my wife.
85. Which show on U.S. TV at the moment do you love ... other than your own? Seeing as I don’t have a TV, I don’t have any favorite shows. Me and Steven S. DeKnight entertain ourselves by looking out of the window and doing the voices for people who walk past.
86. Who let the dogs out? I honestly don’t know what some of these questions mean.
87. How many series do you think you could run at once without exploding? We actually had a meeting about this once. Joss concluded that he could do no more than two, so me and Steven S. DeKnight laughed and called him a sissy. He slapped us both and fined us our clothes.
88. Can you speak Chinese? I fail to see the point unless I plan to go to China. Which I won’t. Cos it’s shit.
89. Can you ride a horse? Are you asking me, or in general? If it’s the latter then yes. If the former then no.
90. If you could write a song for any artist, who would you choose? I have just wrote a few songs for the new Katie Melua album. It took me ages to count those f**king bicycles.
91. Would YOU have survived Sunnydale High? Yes. I would have wrote myself as the hero.
92. What's the thing you're proudest of in this world? A jacket I got from Matalan.
93. What makes you happy? Cocaine
94. What makes you sad? The Matrix.
95. Do you find Benny Hill funny? Yes. I often walked very quickly, singing the theme tune, on the set of Angel. Sometimes during takes. David Boreanaz thought it was hilarious. I walked into a door once while doing it and he pissed himself laughing.
96. Who put the bob in the bob sh-bop? What the fuck are you on about?
97. Having worked in America, can you justify Twinkies to everyone in the UK? No. It’s like us justifying Jeremy Irons.
98. SFX is 100 issues old. Where do you want to be when you're 100? Dancing on Joss’ grave while holding an Oscar in each hand. Or Blackpool.
99. Does the Internet ever scare you? Only when I type “Sweaty Joss” into google.
100. Are you pleased this questionnaire is over? No. It’s the most work I’ve done in five years.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
