Con Man Has A Cold

A scientist, Dr Steve Gasson, was in court this week for excessive harassment and defrauding of the public by selling bogus cures for colds and viruses. He would randomly stop people in the street and claim they are infected and perform a 'scan' on them that would indicate they are suffering from 12 varieties of viruses then sell them a cure. Having made thousands of pounds from his scam, the police finally caught up with him last month and this week saw the start of his trial. During his defence, Dr Gasson claims to have been working on high-end radio frequency identification implant chips like the one he has implanted in his palm. He says "chips like these have got to the point where they are essentially mini computers, and like most computers, they are susceptible to spyware and viruses. The chip I've implanted inside myself must have had a virus which I have caught and has manifested itself in these 'pop-ups' over which I have no control." He went on to explain " The very nature of a virus means that they change and it has obviously adapted itself to the human physiology so instead of having the on screen pop-ups you get on a regular computer, we now have this uncontrollable tourettes-like situation where these adverts 'pop-up' through control over my motor functions and speech". Calling a fellow scientist as a witness, he went on to say "that they are currently updating their definitions and hope to have quarantined the virus any day now". During his closing argument, he was heard to have said "....as you can see, I am clearly a victim here of an increasing computer vir..... a scan has detected 13 viruses within your system. For a minimal fee of just twenty five pounds, I can cleanse your system. Please ask for more details.". A verdict has yet to have been reached.

Reporter: G Drury
Source

What Would Feynman Do?

http://blogs.msdn.com/b/ericlippert/archive/2011/02/14/what-would-feynman-do.aspx

31st May 2010

Russell Brand was pronounced dead yesterday after disappearing up his own arse. The irreverent “comedian” was performing a stage show in Brighton when the gruesome event occurred.  It is reported it happened duringone of infamous “cock stories” that the “comic” is well-known for. Tina Hodgson, 18, a hairdresser and Big Brother fan, was in the audience. “It was mental!”, she said, “He had us all in hystericstalking about his winkle and how he likes to put it in women, when his entire body suddenly bent double and his head vanished up his arse. We all thought it was part of the act until he kept going and disappeared completely. My mate Shaz was well annoyed. She was hoping to shag him after the show and asked for her money back”.
Comedian Stewart Lee, 40, was asked to carry on the show after he was spotted accidentally walking into the theatre after mistaking it for The Museum of Cynicism. It is said he killed at least four people in the audience because they weren’t prepared for his intelligence and their stupid heads exploded.
Russell Brand’s agent was available for comment last night but we couldn’t be arsed to contact him.

Reporter: D Stanley

Firefighters Go Nuts

As part of the new Government's efforts to reduce debt, not only has there been budget cuts in the public sector, but the various services are now to undertake other duties not normally associated with their remit in an effort to further save money. As part of these new efficiencies, firefighters were yesterday called out to deal with a pest squirrel who wouldn't leave a homeowner's property. Taking calls like this on the way back from an incident, because the RSPCA was busy delivering mail at the time, allows for more effective use of time between various organisations. All participating organisations have been equipped with a plentiful supply of water bottles in the event they are called out to a fire. Brighton firefighters chased the critter around for over 30 minutes before, to the joy of the homeowner, it jumped out of the window. "He was leaping about all over us. It was hilarious," said Steve Grimsall, Crew Manager. "though, if the resident had stayed in another room like we asked, we could have had the squirrel out a lot sooner." 

Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro, 27/05/2010

An End To World Cup Headaches

A new study by charity group Drinkaware shows that more than 500,000 people a day are turning up to work with hangovers. The study goes on to show that many struggle with their workload and often make mistakes while they have a hangover. They have now teamed up with BUPA to try and help find a solution and advise employers and employees on the impact of hangovers at work. We have managed to secure an interview with Dr Steve Herren of BUPA who tells us that "this is a serious concern to many employers, and with the World Cup approaching, we expect the problem to get worse if left unchecked.". Dr Steve Herren goes on to say that "this is a personal crusade of mine since I heard about it last week. I had no idea it was such a widespread problem and I wanted to get to the cause of this and do my bit to eradicate the problem.". During his extensive research into the problem, Steve believes he has almost identified the common problem and has "narrowed it down to just a possible two key causes" and believes he has "almost identified which of the two is at fault. Unfortunately, I don't anticipate the final results to be in before the World Cup starts so as a cautionary measure, I have issued a statement which I hope should at least help to clarify things till the results come through and we can solidly identify the root cause of hangovers." Following is the statement issued by Dr Steve Herren of BUPA. "Regularly coming into work with a hangover could be a sign of alcohol, or mental health problems." 

Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro 26.05.2010

22nd July 2008

PRISON BREAKS CAPACITY?

The "Prisoners Rights Infringement Could Kill Society" were yesterday outraged to learn that in one particular Doncaster prison, overcrowding has become a problem with 200 more prisoners than the Prison can handle. Demanding to know what the authorities are going to do about this and how they could let this happen, Steve Robertson, Warden, 36 replied "We don't really see it as that big a deal. We've had no complaints from the prisoners and to offset the problem, those 200 extra prisoners are allowed to go to sleep every night on the piss. This is not a privilidge that many prisoners have had before. If the situation becomes more condensed, we may let more get shit faced every night too but we are looking to reduce the population as soon as we can". Somewhat less aggrieved by this they seem to have let the issue drop for now but are keeping an eye on it. Wanting a better insight into the situation we interviewed Peter Carlton, Inmate, 36 about it.

R: Complained? The warden said they'd received no complaints from the prisoners.
PC: F*****g pigs all the same. We don get no good night's sleep.
R: Well to be fair, the experts do say that you can't get a good night's sleep when you're on the piss.
PC: Are you trying to be funny? Think this is a f*****g joke?
R: I'm sorry, I'm not joking around here. Are you tryin' to say the wardens in fact don't give you alcohol?
PC: Alcohol? The f***s are making us sleep on f******g toilets.

27th June 2008

Nothing to do with me (it comes from The Onion) but I thought I'd share as I like it so much and it's the sort of thing I like to do here:-

Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage

SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll