MUTANT CHILDREN LIVING IN RUSSIA
Reported by: Various Contributers
THE Chernobyl nuclear disaster has spawned a generation of 'mutant' super-brainy children.
Kids growing up in areas damaged by radiation from the plant have a higher IQ and faster reaction times, say Russian doctors.
They are also growing faster and have stronger immune systems.
Radiation from the Ukrainian Chernobyl plant swept the globe and affected more than seven million people.
Professor Vladimir Mikhalev from Bryansk State University, has tracked the health of youngsters growing up in areas hit by the fallout since the 1986 accident.
He compared their mental agility and health to those in unaffected areas and found they came out top in tests.
The kids had been exposed to radiation in the atmosphere and their food supply.
Scientists have now been given a grant to further research into this.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
20th May 2005
FUNDING REFUSED FOR RDSU
Reporter: G. Drury
Yesterday, the Russian Doctors and Scientists Union (RDSU) were fuming that requests for extra funding was declined by the Governemt. At a press conference, it was revealed that the Governments desciosion was based upon the lack of any progress over the last five years by Scientists. There were also no projects in the pipeline that was worthy of extra funding. "They simply don't deserve it". Steve, a spokesperson for the RDSU, siad "This is ridiculous. We have worked very hard and can't get anything done without funding. We're paying for microscopes out of our own pocket. We deserve this extra funding and I'll be damned if we don't get it".
Reporter: G. Drury
Yesterday, the Russian Doctors and Scientists Union (RDSU) were fuming that requests for extra funding was declined by the Governemt. At a press conference, it was revealed that the Governments desciosion was based upon the lack of any progress over the last five years by Scientists. There were also no projects in the pipeline that was worthy of extra funding. "They simply don't deserve it". Steve, a spokesperson for the RDSU, siad "This is ridiculous. We have worked very hard and can't get anything done without funding. We're paying for microscopes out of our own pocket. We deserve this extra funding and I'll be damned if we don't get it".
Thursday, May 05, 2005
1st May 2005
INLAND REVENUE JAILED????
Reporter: Ben Kovengland
Solicitor Ian MacFarlane has spent the last seven years diverting over £800,000 of his company's money into a bogus account he created. He set up this account in the bogus name of Ian Revue and wrote company cheques to himself, passing them off as cheques to the Inland Revenue. His scam involved pocketing customer's stamp duty and using the money to pay for holidays, property deals, tax bills, and school charges amongst other things. His manager, Mr Bartholemew Claysbank, who likes to be called just "Bar", said "His actions are dispicable. I just don't know how comeone can have the nerve to change their name and do something like that. Especially as his name doesn't even really look that close to Inland Revenue. I'd have hoped my employees had shown more imagination than that."
NEW WBO CHAMPION!!!
Reporter: G. Drury
In a shocking twist to the change of the WBO boxing title rules, a manager of a local town's leisure centre has become the Intercontinental Welterweight Champion. As recently announced, the beltt operates under 24/7 rules and the title is held by the last person to wear the belt. He aquired the belt through some inginius cunning rarely seen in the world of boxing. When at one stage the belt was left unattended, he walked up and put it on. Now he has his first championship belt. When asked for a quote he replied "I'm looking forward to more sports adopting this type of change to the rules. I'm hoping I can get the world cup next year."
Reporter: Ben Kovengland
Solicitor Ian MacFarlane has spent the last seven years diverting over £800,000 of his company's money into a bogus account he created. He set up this account in the bogus name of Ian Revue and wrote company cheques to himself, passing them off as cheques to the Inland Revenue. His scam involved pocketing customer's stamp duty and using the money to pay for holidays, property deals, tax bills, and school charges amongst other things. His manager, Mr Bartholemew Claysbank, who likes to be called just "Bar", said "His actions are dispicable. I just don't know how comeone can have the nerve to change their name and do something like that. Especially as his name doesn't even really look that close to Inland Revenue. I'd have hoped my employees had shown more imagination than that."
NEW WBO CHAMPION!!!
Reporter: G. Drury
In a shocking twist to the change of the WBO boxing title rules, a manager of a local town's leisure centre has become the Intercontinental Welterweight Champion. As recently announced, the beltt operates under 24/7 rules and the title is held by the last person to wear the belt. He aquired the belt through some inginius cunning rarely seen in the world of boxing. When at one stage the belt was left unattended, he walked up and put it on. Now he has his first championship belt. When asked for a quote he replied "I'm looking forward to more sports adopting this type of change to the rules. I'm hoping I can get the world cup next year."
29th April 2005
LONDON EYE STOLEN
Reporter: D. Stanley
The London Eye was stolen last night by Brian Blessed. The actor, 54, had been building a large see-saw device for the past four years, and in the early hours of Monday morning, used it to catapult the famous attraction into his back yard. It is widely believed that he used his own massive girth to execute the proceedure. Police are now trying to start talks with the Flash Gordon star, who has barricaded himself in his home and can be heard laughing as he rides the London Eye from six miles away.
STAN RICHARDS
Reporter: D. Stanley
Stan Richards was today found alive and well in Hull, where he had been living with Badgers. The Emmerdale star said he had suddenly found a love for nature when he joined the soap back in 1907, and had longed to live like his favourite wild animal ever since. Due to work commitments, however, he was prevented from doing so, thanks to an unprecedented 203-year contract he was tricked into signing by the show's secret producer, Jeremy Beadle. Stan, famous for playing the tashy layabout Seth Armstrong, suddenly decided that he had had enough in the winter of last year, and so faked his own death with a shop keeper's dummy that was painted to look like him by local artist Ashley Jackson. Armstrong, 123, said he had been happy living with the badgers, and that they had accepted him as one of the family. Seth has now been ordered to go back to a normal way of life and to reappear in Emmerdale as Jack's new gay love interest. The badgers have been shot and will be paraded through the streets of Hull tomorrow as common practice dictates.
STATUS QUO
Reporter: D. Stanley
Status Quo have announced today that they are to release a special single to celebrate their 125th anniversary. The band, who started out as an Irish folk group with hits such as, "He ain't pretty, he's my sister" and "Where the hell did that combine come from?", will release the gold-plated CD on May 25th, and will have an added special element that all Quo fans will love. "Simply put," said drug-head Rick Parfett, "we have been practicing for months and, eventually, we learned a brand-new chord. It will appear on the new song. We are all very pleased." The song, entitled, "Rock and roll whore-bag" will also feature a hidden message from the future voice of Bob Geldoff, which the band accidentally picked up on radioactive feedback. "It's definitely him," said Rick, "Even Bob says it's him, although he doesn't remember saying it because he hasn't said it yet". When asked what the message was, Rick said, "Nnnnnggghhhhaaaaggghhhh!".
Reporter: D. Stanley
The London Eye was stolen last night by Brian Blessed. The actor, 54, had been building a large see-saw device for the past four years, and in the early hours of Monday morning, used it to catapult the famous attraction into his back yard. It is widely believed that he used his own massive girth to execute the proceedure. Police are now trying to start talks with the Flash Gordon star, who has barricaded himself in his home and can be heard laughing as he rides the London Eye from six miles away.
STAN RICHARDS
Reporter: D. Stanley
Stan Richards was today found alive and well in Hull, where he had been living with Badgers. The Emmerdale star said he had suddenly found a love for nature when he joined the soap back in 1907, and had longed to live like his favourite wild animal ever since. Due to work commitments, however, he was prevented from doing so, thanks to an unprecedented 203-year contract he was tricked into signing by the show's secret producer, Jeremy Beadle. Stan, famous for playing the tashy layabout Seth Armstrong, suddenly decided that he had had enough in the winter of last year, and so faked his own death with a shop keeper's dummy that was painted to look like him by local artist Ashley Jackson. Armstrong, 123, said he had been happy living with the badgers, and that they had accepted him as one of the family. Seth has now been ordered to go back to a normal way of life and to reappear in Emmerdale as Jack's new gay love interest. The badgers have been shot and will be paraded through the streets of Hull tomorrow as common practice dictates.
STATUS QUO
Reporter: D. Stanley
Status Quo have announced today that they are to release a special single to celebrate their 125th anniversary. The band, who started out as an Irish folk group with hits such as, "He ain't pretty, he's my sister" and "Where the hell did that combine come from?", will release the gold-plated CD on May 25th, and will have an added special element that all Quo fans will love. "Simply put," said drug-head Rick Parfett, "we have been practicing for months and, eventually, we learned a brand-new chord. It will appear on the new song. We are all very pleased." The song, entitled, "Rock and roll whore-bag" will also feature a hidden message from the future voice of Bob Geldoff, which the band accidentally picked up on radioactive feedback. "It's definitely him," said Rick, "Even Bob says it's him, although he doesn't remember saying it because he hasn't said it yet". When asked what the message was, Rick said, "Nnnnnggghhhhaaaaggghhhh!".
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