29th April 2005

LONDON EYE STOLEN

Reporter: D. Stanley
The London Eye was stolen last night by Brian Blessed. The actor, 54, had been building a large see-saw device for the past four years, and in the early hours of Monday morning, used it to catapult the famous attraction into his back yard. It is widely believed that he used his own massive girth to execute the proceedure. Police are now trying to start talks with the Flash Gordon star, who has barricaded himself in his home and can be heard laughing as he rides the London Eye from six miles away.

STAN RICHARDS

Reporter: D. Stanley
Stan Richards was today found alive and well in Hull, where he had been living with Badgers. The Emmerdale star said he had suddenly found a love for nature when he joined the soap back in 1907, and had longed to live like his favourite wild animal ever since. Due to work commitments, however, he was prevented from doing so, thanks to an unprecedented 203-year contract he was tricked into signing by the show's secret producer, Jeremy Beadle. Stan, famous for playing the tashy layabout Seth Armstrong, suddenly decided that he had had enough in the winter of last year, and so faked his own death with a shop keeper's dummy that was painted to look like him by local artist Ashley Jackson. Armstrong, 123, said he had been happy living with the badgers, and that they had accepted him as one of the family. Seth has now been ordered to go back to a normal way of life and to reappear in Emmerdale as Jack's new gay love interest. The badgers have been shot and will be paraded through the streets of Hull tomorrow as common practice dictates.

STATUS QUO

Reporter: D. Stanley
Status Quo have announced today that they are to release a special single to celebrate their 125th anniversary. The band, who started out as an Irish folk group with hits such as, "He ain't pretty, he's my sister" and "Where the hell did that combine come from?", will release the gold-plated CD on May 25th, and will have an added special element that all Quo fans will love. "Simply put," said drug-head Rick Parfett, "we have been practicing for months and, eventually, we learned a brand-new chord. It will appear on the new song. We are all very pleased." The song, entitled, "Rock and roll whore-bag" will also feature a hidden message from the future voice of Bob Geldoff, which the band accidentally picked up on radioactive feedback. "It's definitely him," said Rick, "Even Bob says it's him, although he doesn't remember saying it because he hasn't said it yet". When asked what the message was, Rick said, "Nnnnnggghhhhaaaaggghhhh!".