PRISON BREAKS CAPACITY?
The "Prisoners Rights Infringement Could Kill Society" were yesterday outraged to learn that in one particular Doncaster prison, overcrowding has become a problem with 200 more prisoners than the Prison can handle. Demanding to know what the authorities are going to do about this and how they could let this happen, Steve Robertson, Warden, 36 replied "We don't really see it as that big a deal. We've had no complaints from the prisoners and to offset the problem, those 200 extra prisoners are allowed to go to sleep every night on the piss. This is not a privilidge that many prisoners have had before. If the situation becomes more condensed, we may let more get shit faced every night too but we are looking to reduce the population as soon as we can". Somewhat less aggrieved by this they seem to have let the issue drop for now but are keeping an eye on it. Wanting a better insight into the situation we interviewed Peter Carlton, Inmate, 36 about it.
R: Complained? The warden said they'd received no complaints from the prisoners.
PC: F*****g pigs all the same. We don get no good night's sleep.
R: Well to be fair, the experts do say that you can't get a good night's sleep when you're on the piss.
PC: Are you trying to be funny? Think this is a f*****g joke?
R: I'm sorry, I'm not joking around here. Are you tryin' to say the wardens in fact don't give you alcohol?
PC: Alcohol? The f***s are making us sleep on f******g toilets.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
27th June 2008
Nothing to do with me (it comes from The Onion) but I thought I'd share as I like it so much and it's the sort of thing I like to do here:-
Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage
SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll
Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage
SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll
Friday, April 18, 2008
18th April 2008
Games Companies Get Creative
Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.
The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".
In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".
In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."
Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.
The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".
In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
16th MARCH 2008
TECHNOLOGY GOES CRAZY
TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.
In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.
TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.
In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.
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