31st May 2010

Russell Brand was pronounced dead yesterday after disappearing up his own arse. The irreverent “comedian” was performing a stage show in Brighton when the gruesome event occurred.  It is reported it happened duringone of infamous “cock stories” that the “comic” is well-known for. Tina Hodgson, 18, a hairdresser and Big Brother fan, was in the audience. “It was mental!”, she said, “He had us all in hystericstalking about his winkle and how he likes to put it in women, when his entire body suddenly bent double and his head vanished up his arse. We all thought it was part of the act until he kept going and disappeared completely. My mate Shaz was well annoyed. She was hoping to shag him after the show and asked for her money back”.
Comedian Stewart Lee, 40, was asked to carry on the show after he was spotted accidentally walking into the theatre after mistaking it for The Museum of Cynicism. It is said he killed at least four people in the audience because they weren’t prepared for his intelligence and their stupid heads exploded.
Russell Brand’s agent was available for comment last night but we couldn’t be arsed to contact him.

Reporter: D Stanley

Firefighters Go Nuts

As part of the new Government's efforts to reduce debt, not only has there been budget cuts in the public sector, but the various services are now to undertake other duties not normally associated with their remit in an effort to further save money. As part of these new efficiencies, firefighters were yesterday called out to deal with a pest squirrel who wouldn't leave a homeowner's property. Taking calls like this on the way back from an incident, because the RSPCA was busy delivering mail at the time, allows for more effective use of time between various organisations. All participating organisations have been equipped with a plentiful supply of water bottles in the event they are called out to a fire. Brighton firefighters chased the critter around for over 30 minutes before, to the joy of the homeowner, it jumped out of the window. "He was leaping about all over us. It was hilarious," said Steve Grimsall, Crew Manager. "though, if the resident had stayed in another room like we asked, we could have had the squirrel out a lot sooner." 

Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro, 27/05/2010

An End To World Cup Headaches

A new study by charity group Drinkaware shows that more than 500,000 people a day are turning up to work with hangovers. The study goes on to show that many struggle with their workload and often make mistakes while they have a hangover. They have now teamed up with BUPA to try and help find a solution and advise employers and employees on the impact of hangovers at work. We have managed to secure an interview with Dr Steve Herren of BUPA who tells us that "this is a serious concern to many employers, and with the World Cup approaching, we expect the problem to get worse if left unchecked.". Dr Steve Herren goes on to say that "this is a personal crusade of mine since I heard about it last week. I had no idea it was such a widespread problem and I wanted to get to the cause of this and do my bit to eradicate the problem.". During his extensive research into the problem, Steve believes he has almost identified the common problem and has "narrowed it down to just a possible two key causes" and believes he has "almost identified which of the two is at fault. Unfortunately, I don't anticipate the final results to be in before the World Cup starts so as a cautionary measure, I have issued a statement which I hope should at least help to clarify things till the results come through and we can solidly identify the root cause of hangovers." Following is the statement issued by Dr Steve Herren of BUPA. "Regularly coming into work with a hangover could be a sign of alcohol, or mental health problems." 

Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro 26.05.2010