31st May 2010

Russell Brand was pronounced dead yesterday after disappearing up his own arse. The irreverent “comedian” was performing a stage show in Brighton when the gruesome event occurred.  It is reported it happened duringone of infamous “cock stories” that the “comic” is well-known for. Tina Hodgson, 18, a hairdresser and Big Brother fan, was in the audience. “It was mental!”, she said, “He had us all in hystericstalking about his winkle and how he likes to put it in women, when his entire body suddenly bent double and his head vanished up his arse. We all thought it was part of the act until he kept going and disappeared completely. My mate Shaz was well annoyed. She was hoping to shag him after the show and asked for her money back”.
Comedian Stewart Lee, 40, was asked to carry on the show after he was spotted accidentally walking into the theatre after mistaking it for The Museum of Cynicism. It is said he killed at least four people in the audience because they weren’t prepared for his intelligence and their stupid heads exploded.
Russell Brand’s agent was available for comment last night but we couldn’t be arsed to contact him.

Reporter: D Stanley