24th July 2007

The Carlos Tevez Transfer Saga

The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.

Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.

ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.

ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?

ALEX: £15M.

ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.

ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.

------later-----

TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?

ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.

There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.

SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.

Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.

ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.

Alan phones Alex up.

ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.

ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.

ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.

-----later-----

SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office

PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?

Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.

PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?

PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.

PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.

-----later at West Ham-----

ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.

ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.

-----later-----

SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.

RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.

SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?

JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.

SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?

JAYNE: Yes Sir.

Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.

SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.

Sepp presses the intercom button.

SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.

Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.

JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.

STEVE: That's not.....is it?

JAYNE: I'm afraid so.

Jayne leaves.

ROBERT: What? What is it?

STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.

ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?

STEVE: Looks like.

ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.

-----later-----

SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.

ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?

PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.

ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?

Carl slowly raises his hand.

ROGER: Yes Carl?

CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?

ROGER: We have a new guy?

Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.

ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?

-----outside-----

A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.

POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.

Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.

STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.

POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....