A scientist, Dr Steve Gasson, was in court this week for excessive harassment and defrauding of the public by selling bogus cures for colds and viruses. He would randomly stop people in the street and claim they are infected and perform a 'scan' on them that would indicate they are suffering from 12 varieties of viruses then sell them a cure. Having made thousands of pounds from his scam, the police finally caught up with him last month and this week saw the start of his trial. During his defence, Dr Gasson claims to have been working on high-end radio frequency identification implant chips like the one he has implanted in his palm. He says "chips like these have got to the point where they are essentially mini computers, and like most computers, they are susceptible to spyware and viruses. The chip I've implanted inside myself must have had a virus which I have caught and has manifested itself in these 'pop-ups' over which I have no control." He went on to explain " The very nature of a virus means that they change and it has obviously adapted itself to the human physiology so instead of having the on screen pop-ups you get on a regular computer, we now have this uncontrollable tourettes-like situation where these adverts 'pop-up' through control over my motor functions and speech". Calling a fellow scientist as a witness, he went on to say "that they are currently updating their definitions and hope to have quarantined the virus any day now". During his closing argument, he was heard to have said "....as you can see, I am clearly a victim here of an increasing computer vir..... a scan has detected 13 viruses within your system. For a minimal fee of just twenty five pounds, I can cleanse your system. Please ask for more details.". A verdict has yet to have been reached.
Reporter: G Drury
Source
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday, May 31, 2010
31st May 2010
Russell Brand was pronounced dead yesterday after disappearing up his own arse. The irreverent “comedian” was performing a stage show in Brighton when the gruesome event occurred. It is reported it happened duringone of infamous “cock stories” that the “comic” is well-known for. Tina Hodgson, 18, a hairdresser and Big Brother fan, was in the audience. “It was mental!”, she said, “He had us all in hystericstalking about his winkle and how he likes to put it in women, when his entire body suddenly bent double and his head vanished up his arse. We all thought it was part of the act until he kept going and disappeared completely. My mate Shaz was well annoyed. She was hoping to shag him after the show and asked for her money back”.
Comedian Stewart Lee, 40, was asked to carry on the show after he was spotted accidentally walking into the theatre after mistaking it for The Museum of Cynicism. It is said he killed at least four people in the audience because they weren’t prepared for his intelligence and their stupid heads exploded.
Russell Brand’s agent was available for comment last night but we couldn’t be arsed to contact him.
Reporter: D Stanley
Comedian Stewart Lee, 40, was asked to carry on the show after he was spotted accidentally walking into the theatre after mistaking it for The Museum of Cynicism. It is said he killed at least four people in the audience because they weren’t prepared for his intelligence and their stupid heads exploded.
Russell Brand’s agent was available for comment last night but we couldn’t be arsed to contact him.
Reporter: D Stanley
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Firefighters Go Nuts
As part of the new Government's efforts to reduce debt, not only has there been budget cuts in the public sector, but the various services are now to undertake other duties not normally associated with their remit in an effort to further save money. As part of these new efficiencies, firefighters were yesterday called out to deal with a pest squirrel who wouldn't leave a homeowner's property. Taking calls like this on the way back from an incident, because the RSPCA was busy delivering mail at the time, allows for more effective use of time between various organisations. All participating organisations have been equipped with a plentiful supply of water bottles in the event they are called out to a fire. Brighton firefighters chased the critter around for over 30 minutes before, to the joy of the homeowner, it jumped out of the window. "He was leaping about all over us. It was hilarious," said Steve Grimsall, Crew Manager. "though, if the resident had stayed in another room like we asked, we could have had the squirrel out a lot sooner."
Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro, 27/05/2010
Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro, 27/05/2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
An End To World Cup Headaches
A new study by charity group Drinkaware shows that more than 500,000 people a day are turning up to work with hangovers. The study goes on to show that many struggle with their workload and often make mistakes while they have a hangover. They have now teamed up with BUPA to try and help find a solution and advise employers and employees on the impact of hangovers at work. We have managed to secure an interview with Dr Steve Herren of BUPA who tells us that "this is a serious concern to many employers, and with the World Cup approaching, we expect the problem to get worse if left unchecked.". Dr Steve Herren goes on to say that "this is a personal crusade of mine since I heard about it last week. I had no idea it was such a widespread problem and I wanted to get to the cause of this and do my bit to eradicate the problem.". During his extensive research into the problem, Steve believes he has almost identified the common problem and has "narrowed it down to just a possible two key causes" and believes he has "almost identified which of the two is at fault. Unfortunately, I don't anticipate the final results to be in before the World Cup starts so as a cautionary measure, I have issued a statement which I hope should at least help to clarify things till the results come through and we can solidly identify the root cause of hangovers." Following is the statement issued by Dr Steve Herren of BUPA. "Regularly coming into work with a hangover could be a sign of alcohol, or mental health problems."
Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro 26.05.2010
Reporter: G Drury
Source: Metro 26.05.2010
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
22nd July 2008
PRISON BREAKS CAPACITY?
The "Prisoners Rights Infringement Could Kill Society" were yesterday outraged to learn that in one particular Doncaster prison, overcrowding has become a problem with 200 more prisoners than the Prison can handle. Demanding to know what the authorities are going to do about this and how they could let this happen, Steve Robertson, Warden, 36 replied "We don't really see it as that big a deal. We've had no complaints from the prisoners and to offset the problem, those 200 extra prisoners are allowed to go to sleep every night on the piss. This is not a privilidge that many prisoners have had before. If the situation becomes more condensed, we may let more get shit faced every night too but we are looking to reduce the population as soon as we can". Somewhat less aggrieved by this they seem to have let the issue drop for now but are keeping an eye on it. Wanting a better insight into the situation we interviewed Peter Carlton, Inmate, 36 about it.
R: Complained? The warden said they'd received no complaints from the prisoners.
PC: F*****g pigs all the same. We don get no good night's sleep.
R: Well to be fair, the experts do say that you can't get a good night's sleep when you're on the piss.
PC: Are you trying to be funny? Think this is a f*****g joke?
R: I'm sorry, I'm not joking around here. Are you tryin' to say the wardens in fact don't give you alcohol?
PC: Alcohol? The f***s are making us sleep on f******g toilets.
The "Prisoners Rights Infringement Could Kill Society" were yesterday outraged to learn that in one particular Doncaster prison, overcrowding has become a problem with 200 more prisoners than the Prison can handle. Demanding to know what the authorities are going to do about this and how they could let this happen, Steve Robertson, Warden, 36 replied "We don't really see it as that big a deal. We've had no complaints from the prisoners and to offset the problem, those 200 extra prisoners are allowed to go to sleep every night on the piss. This is not a privilidge that many prisoners have had before. If the situation becomes more condensed, we may let more get shit faced every night too but we are looking to reduce the population as soon as we can". Somewhat less aggrieved by this they seem to have let the issue drop for now but are keeping an eye on it. Wanting a better insight into the situation we interviewed Peter Carlton, Inmate, 36 about it.
R: Complained? The warden said they'd received no complaints from the prisoners.
PC: F*****g pigs all the same. We don get no good night's sleep.
R: Well to be fair, the experts do say that you can't get a good night's sleep when you're on the piss.
PC: Are you trying to be funny? Think this is a f*****g joke?
R: I'm sorry, I'm not joking around here. Are you tryin' to say the wardens in fact don't give you alcohol?
PC: Alcohol? The f***s are making us sleep on f******g toilets.
Friday, June 27, 2008
27th June 2008
Nothing to do with me (it comes from The Onion) but I thought I'd share as I like it so much and it's the sort of thing I like to do here:-
Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage
SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll
Man Who Uses Sticks To Roll Balls Into Holes Is Praised For His Courage
SAN DIEGO-A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_who_used_stick_to_roll
Friday, April 18, 2008
18th April 2008
Games Companies Get Creative
Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.
The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".
In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".
In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."
Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.
The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".
In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
16th MARCH 2008
TECHNOLOGY GOES CRAZY
TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.
In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.
TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.
In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
5th December 2007
COX PLAYS DIRTY
After spoofing Britney Spears in the very first episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox started getting jittery about a potential lawsuit coming as she took the spoof and the character too far. As a counter measure, she yesterday released the following statement:-
Cox wants to spoof Spears in 'Dirt'
Tuesday, December 4 2007, 16:35 GMT
By Kimberley Dadds
Courtney Cox wants to use Britney Spears' troubled life for a storyline in the second series of her US show Dirt.
The Friends actress will spoof the singer's problems in the celebrity magazine-based show, although Spears will not appear in the programme herself.
A source told Star magazine: "Courteney can’t wait to give the Britney character a major smack-down on camera.
"Being a parent herself, Courteney is disheartened by the way Britney has treated her own kids."
She will now be re-spoofing the Famous singer but will now be making sure not to take it too far as she did with the last one which she called Julia Mallory, and stick to more factual and closer comparisons.
Courtney Cox hopes the limited intelligence of viewers will have failed recognise the original spoof.
After spoofing Britney Spears in the very first episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox started getting jittery about a potential lawsuit coming as she took the spoof and the character too far. As a counter measure, she yesterday released the following statement:-
Cox wants to spoof Spears in 'Dirt'
Tuesday, December 4 2007, 16:35 GMT
By Kimberley Dadds
Courtney Cox wants to use Britney Spears' troubled life for a storyline in the second series of her US show Dirt.
The Friends actress will spoof the singer's problems in the celebrity magazine-based show, although Spears will not appear in the programme herself.
A source told Star magazine: "Courteney can’t wait to give the Britney character a major smack-down on camera.
"Being a parent herself, Courteney is disheartened by the way Britney has treated her own kids."
She will now be re-spoofing the Famous singer but will now be making sure not to take it too far as she did with the last one which she called Julia Mallory, and stick to more factual and closer comparisons.
Courtney Cox hopes the limited intelligence of viewers will have failed recognise the original spoof.
Friday, August 10, 2007
10th August 2007
"This is Carly Underwood reporting live for the BBC. We are here at the scene of helicopter crash in Yorkshire which has gone unreported for two days. The RAF have begun an investigation into the cause of the Puma helicopter which crashed on Wednesday and left five people dead, and more importantly why the response had taken so long.
The aircraft was part of 43 Squadron, RAF Rodgers and a board of inquiry will be investigating the crash. The delay in finding out about this crashed has no doubt led to loss of life and with prompt response this tragedy could have been avoided.....wait, there is someone approaching. Let's see if we can grab a quick word......Excuse me Sir, BBC, can we have a quick word?"
"Is this about the helicopter?"
"Yes sir it is. What is your name?"
"Steve Richardson"
"Thanks for speaking to us Steve. What exactly is your connection to this steve?"
"We were out here for a walk Wednesday night and watched this helicopter quite rapidly go straight up into the air and it didn't sound right. It sounded like the engine was misfiring or something - it was making a hell of a racket"
"it was making a racket? You saw this?"
"Yeah, it was like buh buh....buh..buh.....buh buh...buh. This helicopter went onto its side and then shot off. I didn't think anything about it after that, just thought it was doing army manoevers or something"
The aircraft was part of 43 Squadron, RAF Rodgers and a board of inquiry will be investigating the crash. The delay in finding out about this crashed has no doubt led to loss of life and with prompt response this tragedy could have been avoided.....wait, there is someone approaching. Let's see if we can grab a quick word......Excuse me Sir, BBC, can we have a quick word?"
"Is this about the helicopter?"
"Yes sir it is. What is your name?"
"Steve Richardson"
"Thanks for speaking to us Steve. What exactly is your connection to this steve?"
"We were out here for a walk Wednesday night and watched this helicopter quite rapidly go straight up into the air and it didn't sound right. It sounded like the engine was misfiring or something - it was making a hell of a racket"
"it was making a racket? You saw this?"
"Yeah, it was like buh buh....buh..buh.....buh buh...buh. This helicopter went onto its side and then shot off. I didn't think anything about it after that, just thought it was doing army manoevers or something"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
24th July 2007
The Carlos Tevez Transfer Saga
The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.
Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.
ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.
ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?
ALEX: £15M.
ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.
ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.
------later-----
TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?
ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.
There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.
SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.
Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.
ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.
Alan phones Alex up.
ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.
ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.
ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.
-----later-----
SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office
PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?
Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.
PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?
PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.
PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.
-----later at West Ham-----
ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.
ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.
-----later-----
SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.
SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?
JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.
SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?
JAYNE: Yes Sir.
Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.
SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.
Sepp presses the intercom button.
SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.
Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.
JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.
STEVE: That's not.....is it?
JAYNE: I'm afraid so.
Jayne leaves.
ROBERT: What? What is it?
STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.
ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?
STEVE: Looks like.
ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.
-----later-----
SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.
ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?
PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.
ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?
Carl slowly raises his hand.
ROGER: Yes Carl?
CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?
ROGER: We have a new guy?
Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.
ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?
-----outside-----
A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.
POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.
Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.
STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.
POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....
The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.
Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.
ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.
ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?
ALEX: £15M.
ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.
ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.
------later-----
TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?
ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.
There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.
SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.
Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.
ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.
Alan phones Alex up.
ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.
ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.
ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.
-----later-----
SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office
PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?
Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.
PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?
PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.
PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.
-----later at West Ham-----
ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.
ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.
-----later-----
SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.
SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?
JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.
SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?
JAYNE: Yes Sir.
Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.
SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.
Sepp presses the intercom button.
SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.
Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.
JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.
STEVE: That's not.....is it?
JAYNE: I'm afraid so.
Jayne leaves.
ROBERT: What? What is it?
STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.
ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?
STEVE: Looks like.
ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.
-----later-----
SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.
ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?
PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.
ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?
Carl slowly raises his hand.
ROGER: Yes Carl?
CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?
ROGER: We have a new guy?
Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.
ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?
-----outside-----
A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.
POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.
Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.
STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.
POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....
Friday, July 20, 2007
20th July 2007
SKY DITCHES STRUGGLING SHOW
FX, now trying to show itself as a serious channel after the success of Dexter and NCIS, have decided to sign up the rights of some of the best TV shows around. Amongst it's massive aquisition spree are the likes of Family Guy, Buffy, 24, The Wire and many new series from the states. It appears however that Sky have managed to slip in the rights to Nip/Tuck while FX wasn't looking. A spokesman from Sky, Steve Redford, said "We pride ourselves on having the best and most innovative shows around. Nip/Tuck was a masive aquisition for us back when it started with its edgy storylines and shocking twists. The first three season being particularly good but like most shows it hit its heights with season 3 and hasn't recovered as witnessed by the very poor storytelling in season 4. We felt this was the right time to ditch the series but we knew it would be hard to get rid of it then FX started buying everything up and we saw an opportunity to slip it in un-noticed (that's what I said - ED) and we now have a couple of new directives set up at Sky thanks to Nip/Tuck. 1. No wanky singing in shows. and 2. No wanky future episodes."
FX, now trying to show itself as a serious channel after the success of Dexter and NCIS, have decided to sign up the rights of some of the best TV shows around. Amongst it's massive aquisition spree are the likes of Family Guy, Buffy, 24, The Wire and many new series from the states. It appears however that Sky have managed to slip in the rights to Nip/Tuck while FX wasn't looking. A spokesman from Sky, Steve Redford, said "We pride ourselves on having the best and most innovative shows around. Nip/Tuck was a masive aquisition for us back when it started with its edgy storylines and shocking twists. The first three season being particularly good but like most shows it hit its heights with season 3 and hasn't recovered as witnessed by the very poor storytelling in season 4. We felt this was the right time to ditch the series but we knew it would be hard to get rid of it then FX started buying everything up and we saw an opportunity to slip it in un-noticed (that's what I said - ED) and we now have a couple of new directives set up at Sky thanks to Nip/Tuck. 1. No wanky singing in shows. and 2. No wanky future episodes."
Friday, February 09, 2007
9th February 2007
Try A Different Job Day
Late last night in London, firefighter Richards discovered a fire breaking out in the millenium dome as he was passing. Thinking quickly he got the attention of a passing Pizza Delivery guy and bravely got him to deal with the fire. Unfortunately, Steve Collingsworth, 36, died during the blaze. An inquest has initally ruled that the main cause for his death is that he was inappropriately equipped to fight the fire having only a 500ml bottle of water instead of the required 1ltr bottle.
Also yesterday in Paris, upon spotting a water leak, the quick thinking plumber promptly phoned the butchers to come fix the leak. After 6 hours of work the only damage was 3 dead cats, 1 person with an infected foot and structural and water damage to many of the business near the leak. Steve, the plumber was later thanked by the mayor for his quick actions and it's just a shame that this happened on National Try A Different Job day and could do nothing about it himself.
And just coming in over the radio, we have news that Anna Nicole Smith has died last night. Her bodyguard could not bring her back to life with CPR after her nurse discovered her body in her hotel room.
The world national holiday council is now re-thinking about wether to have this holiday again. Unfortunately the meeting started last night and a team of flamingos are flapping over it as we speak.
Late last night in London, firefighter Richards discovered a fire breaking out in the millenium dome as he was passing. Thinking quickly he got the attention of a passing Pizza Delivery guy and bravely got him to deal with the fire. Unfortunately, Steve Collingsworth, 36, died during the blaze. An inquest has initally ruled that the main cause for his death is that he was inappropriately equipped to fight the fire having only a 500ml bottle of water instead of the required 1ltr bottle.
Also yesterday in Paris, upon spotting a water leak, the quick thinking plumber promptly phoned the butchers to come fix the leak. After 6 hours of work the only damage was 3 dead cats, 1 person with an infected foot and structural and water damage to many of the business near the leak. Steve, the plumber was later thanked by the mayor for his quick actions and it's just a shame that this happened on National Try A Different Job day and could do nothing about it himself.
And just coming in over the radio, we have news that Anna Nicole Smith has died last night. Her bodyguard could not bring her back to life with CPR after her nurse discovered her body in her hotel room.
The world national holiday council is now re-thinking about wether to have this holiday again. Unfortunately the meeting started last night and a team of flamingos are flapping over it as we speak.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
The River Ripper
RE: The River Ripper News Report On Radio 1
....and the chief inspector on the case has this message for the killer.
INSPECTOR: If the killer would like to get in touch with us, we have trained police officers ready to take your call.
-----cut to training school-----
LECTURER: Welcome to the taking phone calls training course
We'll start off with Steve here demonstrating how not to answer a phone call.
A phone on the desk starts ringing.
STEVE: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?
LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Paul?
PAUL: He was just speaking at the phone, you need to pick it up first.
LECTURER: Do you care to demonstrate this to the class Paul?
PAUL: Sure.
Paul gets up and the phone starts ringing again. Paul picks up the phone.
PAUL: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?
LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Robert?
ROBERT: He picked up the whole phone, you only need to pick the reciever bit up.
LECTURER: Why don't you come to the front and demonstrate?
The phone rings and Robert picks up the reciever.
ROBERT: Hello?......Hold on, I'll just get him for you.
Robert passes the phone reciever to the lecturer who puts it back on the phone base.
LECTURER: Well done Robert. That class is how you answer a phone. Tomorrow we'll look at the more complicated procedure of pressing a call accept button to answer a call.
....and the chief inspector on the case has this message for the killer.
INSPECTOR: If the killer would like to get in touch with us, we have trained police officers ready to take your call.
-----cut to training school-----
LECTURER: Welcome to the taking phone calls training course
We'll start off with Steve here demonstrating how not to answer a phone call.
A phone on the desk starts ringing.
STEVE: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?
LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Paul?
PAUL: He was just speaking at the phone, you need to pick it up first.
LECTURER: Do you care to demonstrate this to the class Paul?
PAUL: Sure.
Paul gets up and the phone starts ringing again. Paul picks up the phone.
PAUL: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?
LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Robert?
ROBERT: He picked up the whole phone, you only need to pick the reciever bit up.
LECTURER: Why don't you come to the front and demonstrate?
The phone rings and Robert picks up the reciever.
ROBERT: Hello?......Hold on, I'll just get him for you.
Robert passes the phone reciever to the lecturer who puts it back on the phone base.
LECTURER: Well done Robert. That class is how you answer a phone. Tomorrow we'll look at the more complicated procedure of pressing a call accept button to answer a call.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
31st October 2006
Mischievous Night
"As halloween has come around again, that means the nasties have come out again, and I don't mean the ghouls and ghosts, I'm talking about teenage yobs. For many teenagers, last night, known as mischievous night, is a chance for a bit of a laugh for them playing silly little pranks. Unfortunately today's youths don't seem to grasp this concept and have taken it too far and to dangerous and violent levels causing all kinds of damage. Yesterday I went to Liverpool to find out more about this and talked to various youths about their plans for the night. One youth said we're going to throw stones and bricks. Another saying they're going round smashing bus windows and things for a laugh. More tales like this came from various other youths of wanton destruction and last night there were 58 arrests in Liverpool alone. Calls have been made to put an end to Halloween and Mischievous night. I have with me now Police Officer Steven Ramsbottom. Steven, is it true there were 58 arrests last night?"
"Yes, that is correct"
"And what were those arrests for? Were they all for destruction of property and kids getting carried away?"
"Mostly yes. 57 were actually teenagers causing bother and one for drink driving"
"57? That is an extremely high number for one city, they must have caused thousands of pounds of damage between them. Do you agree with calls for putting an end to Halloween and in particular Mischievous night?"
"Now why would there be any need for that?"
"What about all the destruction they caused last night? Is that not reason enough?"
"This is Liverpool, that was a normal night for us."
"ummmm.....cut"
(there actually were 57 arrests)
"As halloween has come around again, that means the nasties have come out again, and I don't mean the ghouls and ghosts, I'm talking about teenage yobs. For many teenagers, last night, known as mischievous night, is a chance for a bit of a laugh for them playing silly little pranks. Unfortunately today's youths don't seem to grasp this concept and have taken it too far and to dangerous and violent levels causing all kinds of damage. Yesterday I went to Liverpool to find out more about this and talked to various youths about their plans for the night. One youth said we're going to throw stones and bricks. Another saying they're going round smashing bus windows and things for a laugh. More tales like this came from various other youths of wanton destruction and last night there were 58 arrests in Liverpool alone. Calls have been made to put an end to Halloween and Mischievous night. I have with me now Police Officer Steven Ramsbottom. Steven, is it true there were 58 arrests last night?"
"Yes, that is correct"
"And what were those arrests for? Were they all for destruction of property and kids getting carried away?"
"Mostly yes. 57 were actually teenagers causing bother and one for drink driving"
"57? That is an extremely high number for one city, they must have caused thousands of pounds of damage between them. Do you agree with calls for putting an end to Halloween and in particular Mischievous night?"
"Now why would there be any need for that?"
"What about all the destruction they caused last night? Is that not reason enough?"
"This is Liverpool, that was a normal night for us."
"ummmm.....cut"
(there actually were 57 arrests)
Friday, September 29, 2006
29th September 2006
HEALTHY EATING INITATIVE
Reports have come in today that the Government's new healty eating initiative is starting to work. The iniative's spokesperson gave us a follow up statement to yesterday's report. "Today we have saved the future of at least 2 teenagers health that were intending to eat at McDonalds for dinner. Hopefully the rest of the people in the restaurant takes on board what they saw and will stop going to McDonalds in future." With good news like this, hopefully the youth of today can saved before it's too late. Unfortunately we can't get a comment from one of the teenagers that have been saved from the unhealthy lifestyle as he is in a medicated state at the minute and unable to speak but his friend with him at the time had this to say. "We were just queuing up for a McDonalds when someone ran in with a gun and shot me in the arm and my friend in the chest then ran away again".
28th September 2006
Healthy Eating Initative
The Government has yesterday announced it is to be putting into motion it's new initiative to help curb the growing problem of obesity in England. They are growing concerned with the increasing number of children eating less healthy food and more unhealthy foods like Chips and Burgers. A spokesperson for the new initiative said "Jamie Oliver has done a lot to raise the awareness of this in schools but unfortunately the fact is that children are turning their noses up at health school dinners and are seeking their own dinner in town from places like McDonalds. We are hoping our new measures will make children think twice before going to places like McDonalds for their dinner in future"
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
10th May 2006
David Blaine has shown himself many a time to the be greatest Gav in the world. Or he's trying to prove he is by becoming the greatest person ever at standing around and doing nothing. He's stood at the top of a pole doing nothing. Stood in a block of ice doing nothing. Then he couldn't be bothered even standing around doing nothing so he sat in a box doing nothing. Sitting was obviously too much of an effort now he's taken to floating in water doing nothing.
With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.
STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)
The difference between America and Britain?
In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.
In Britain : Idiot.
With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.
STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)
The difference between America and Britain?
In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.
In Britain : Idiot.
Monday, January 23, 2006
24th January 2006
DRINK DRIVING
Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury
PIGEON FARCE
A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling
WOMBLE MANIA
The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury
PIGEON FARCE
A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling
WOMBLE MANIA
The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling
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