David Blaine has shown himself many a time to the be greatest Gav in the world. Or he's trying to prove he is by becoming the greatest person ever at standing around and doing nothing. He's stood at the top of a pole doing nothing. Stood in a block of ice doing nothing. Then he couldn't be bothered even standing around doing nothing so he sat in a box doing nothing. Sitting was obviously too much of an effort now he's taken to floating in water doing nothing.
With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.
STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)
The difference between America and Britain?
In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.
In Britain : Idiot.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
24th January 2006
DRINK DRIVING
Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury
PIGEON FARCE
A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling
WOMBLE MANIA
The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury
PIGEON FARCE
A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling
WOMBLE MANIA
The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
10th January 2006
NEW MONEY
The bank of England today announced a new money note. The £3.33 bank note will be released at the end of this month. The new note depicts the actual moment Robin Hood was captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham while hiding in the great oak tree in Sherwood forest. The picture shows it was a warm June evening with a distinctly orange sunset on what was an obviously windy day. The Queens head is of course on the other side looking grim, this is to represent the monarchs feelings over her sons recent marriage. The note is oval in shape and the size of a current 50 pence coin.Reporter: M. Gosling
KEVIN Vs RIDLEY
Hollywood announced that a film on the life and times of William Shatner was finally finished last week. The film that took over 3 years to complete was directed by Kevin Costner and edited by Ridley Scott. The film that was originally 13 days long when Costner had finished and was edited down to just 2 minutes by Scott. The pair fought over the length of the film for several months. The epic battle on the films length is now to be turned into a short film which will be only 3 minuets long. Production on the film will start this week. Samuel L Jackson turned down a major role in the 3 minuet film stating that his part would be too long.
Reporter: M. Gosling
ADVERTISEMENT
OUT NOW!!!
Magnum PI Special Edition DVD Box Set!
Includes;
All six seasons of the hit TV show, including the untransmitted seventh season, which saw Tom Selleck replaced by Mark Hamill.
Special eight hour documentary, "Don't Mention 'Folks'", a detailed insight into Tom Selleck's life and career.
Special holgram badge which depicts Tom Selleck with and without his moustache.
A "Delete Higgins" feature.
A gag real, which shows unseen gems such as, The black guy falling out of his helicopter, Higgins being mauled by his dogs, Tom Selleck acidentally running Higgins down in his car, A montage of Tom Selleck's repulsive Hawaiian shirts causing various co-stars to be sick.
Deleted scenes, Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network), Higgins reveals he is a transvestite, Batman turns up, Magnum's rape scene, Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.
The Christmas Special, which was a special crossover episode with Knight Rider. Magnum goes and solves a morbid murder case with KITT while Michael Knight spends the whole episode trying to talk to Magnum's Ferrari.
Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.
Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.
The bank of England today announced a new money note. The £3.33 bank note will be released at the end of this month. The new note depicts the actual moment Robin Hood was captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham while hiding in the great oak tree in Sherwood forest. The picture shows it was a warm June evening with a distinctly orange sunset on what was an obviously windy day. The Queens head is of course on the other side looking grim, this is to represent the monarchs feelings over her sons recent marriage. The note is oval in shape and the size of a current 50 pence coin.Reporter: M. Gosling
KEVIN Vs RIDLEY
Hollywood announced that a film on the life and times of William Shatner was finally finished last week. The film that took over 3 years to complete was directed by Kevin Costner and edited by Ridley Scott. The film that was originally 13 days long when Costner had finished and was edited down to just 2 minutes by Scott. The pair fought over the length of the film for several months. The epic battle on the films length is now to be turned into a short film which will be only 3 minuets long. Production on the film will start this week. Samuel L Jackson turned down a major role in the 3 minuet film stating that his part would be too long.
Reporter: M. Gosling
ADVERTISEMENT
OUT NOW!!!
Magnum PI Special Edition DVD Box Set!
Includes;
All six seasons of the hit TV show, including the untransmitted seventh season, which saw Tom Selleck replaced by Mark Hamill.
Special eight hour documentary, "Don't Mention 'Folks'", a detailed insight into Tom Selleck's life and career.
Special holgram badge which depicts Tom Selleck with and without his moustache.
A "Delete Higgins" feature.
A gag real, which shows unseen gems such as, The black guy falling out of his helicopter, Higgins being mauled by his dogs, Tom Selleck acidentally running Higgins down in his car, A montage of Tom Selleck's repulsive Hawaiian shirts causing various co-stars to be sick.
Deleted scenes, Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network), Higgins reveals he is a transvestite, Batman turns up, Magnum's rape scene, Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.
The Christmas Special, which was a special crossover episode with Knight Rider. Magnum goes and solves a morbid murder case with KITT while Michael Knight spends the whole episode trying to talk to Magnum's Ferrari.
Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.
Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
5th January 2006
FROM THE LOST ARCHIVES
Here's a special interview with little-known Buffy/Angel/Firefly writer/producer/director (and Joss Whedon confidante), David "Boom Boom" Stanley.
(Source: SFX Magazine Nov 2005)
1. How are you? So very sleepy. I've been up all night with Joss making a Wonder Woman costume. He says he wants to "save the company money".
2. Where are you right now? In Joss' garage. Dressed as Wonder Woman. Joss is making me do action poses and taking pictures. Sometimes I hate my job.
3. What are you doing for the rest of today? I have to meet Steven S. DeKnight to discuss why Dawn was a bad idea and hypothesize how to write her out of history.
4. What's your favorite British show? Me and Jeffrey Bell are currently working on an English version of Sealab 2021. If it happens that will be my favorite show.
5. What's your favorite British swear word? C**t. It's horrible when Americans say it, but oddly endearing with a British accent. "C**t!". See?
6. Are you running out of ambitions? There are many things I want to do yet. Like re-write the Star Wars prequels, star in my own solo West End show and invent a new type of food. So, no.
7. Which is your favorite Western? Is that a trick question?.
8. Which is your favorite science fiction movie? Dude, where's my Car?
9. Which is your favorite musical? Mary Poppins. I still chimney sweep on the side because of that movie.
10. Who is your favorite James Bond? Me. And Moore.
11. Who is your favorite Doctor Who? Baker. And me.
12. Who's your favorite other person called David? Boreanaz. I sometimes pretend he's my dad.
13. When were you drunk last? I'm drunk now. And always will be.
14. Superman or Spiderman? Spidey. Supes is a prick.
15. Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
16. Will there be any more of Buffy? Joss wants to do some, but me and Steven S. DeKnight won't let him until he rectifies his Dawn mistake.
17. Will there be any more of Angel? There should have been a sixth season, but Joss wanted to bring over Dawn, so me and Steven S. DeKnight locked him in his cellar and told the network we wouldn't be doing any more.
18. Will there be any more of Firefly? We actually filmed 10 more episodes, but Joss didn't like the new character I introduced (played by me) so he scrapped them. The git. He was a good character too. His name was Chad and he had some rather interesting questions for Book...
19. Who did you take to the prom? Billie Piper. Then I remembered we don't have proms in England so me and Billie just sat in the empty sports hall drinking tea.
20. Are you spreading yourself too thinly, and is this a good thing? Yes, no, maybe. What?
21. What's your favorite biological function? Peeing is very inconvenient and you have to do it too much. But who doesn't love a good crap? I once went seven times in one day... (Aren’t you glad real life doesn't have flashbacks?)
22. Who is your hero? The Granddad from "Bread".
23. What would you do if all your shows ended tomorrow? Phone Joss and ask him what I should do with my life now. Then phone Steven S. DeKnight.
24. Which show do you enjoy writing the most? I wrote an episode of Golden Girls once, which I really enjoyed. It got axed. Apparently, they didn't like my new character (which I played). His name was Chad and he had questions for Bea...
25. Which show do you enjoy directing the most? See above.
26. Which actor gives you the most backtalk? Glenn Quinn. Well, he did until I accidentally...er, never mind.
27. Which writer never agrees with you? Joss. That's why his shows keep getting cancelled.
28. Which movie would you loved to have written? Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
29. Which movie do you regret having any involvement in? Alien Resurrection.
30. How many hours of sleep do you get at night? 12-15
31. What's the most irritating question someone has have ever asked you? When did you last see Glenn Quinn, sir?
32. Which book would you recommend everybody should read? The Marvel Superhero Omnibus 1986.
33. Who is the most overlooked person on television? Me.
34. Who should be the most overlooked person on television? Joss Whedon.
35. Kirk or Picard? Picard. Kirk was a reckless idiot who kept endangering his crew. And he fancied Spock. And he was played by William Shatner. Case closed.
36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe.
37. Has anyone ever come up to you and said "I loved you in The Shawshank Redemption?" Yes.
38. What's the worst part of making a television show? Cleaning Joss' shoes every morning.
39. And what's the best? Paper fights with Steven S. DeKnight.
40. What's the worst line of dialogue you've ever written? According to Joss it's, "Hello, my name is Chad (pause) and I have questions for you, "Book"..."
41. And what's the best? Wash: "It's simple, Mal. These three switches mean (Flicking them as he goes) Ready..set...GO!" (It was cut)
42. Is the character of Wash in Firefly based on you? Yes.
43. Would you do Faith the Vampire Slayer if Eliza Dushku would commit to it? Absolutely. But Joss won't let me. He's still angry about that sex scene I wrote for her in Buffy involving Faith, Buffy and Chad (Played by me). It was cut. Besides, Eliza refuses to work with me after my "muff" remark last year. I can't talk about it for legal reasons.
44. Does it worry you that Spike is such a popular character--he's evil! So am I.
45. If you could do a crossover episode of Buffy, Angel, or Firefly with any other show, what would it be? Sealab. The English version.
46. What do you think of fan fiction: flattering or embarrassing? A bit of both. Like my work (according to Joss)
47. For budgetary reasons, you have to do a "clip" episode of Angel. How would you make it different from the norm? It would only be the clips of Wesley falling over.
48. What was your nickname in school? "Odd shoes"
49. If they did Buffy Big Brother, who would win? Chad
50. Is Hamlet mad? How the f**k should I know?
51. Do you see the influence of Buffy on other shows (i.e., Smallville)? Not Buffy's influence - Mine
52. Can I show you my script? No. If Joss doesn't look at mine, I won't look at yours. (Wow. THIS is what power feels like)
53. Who are the best people to hang out with--actors, writers, producers,
or directors? I do all three and nobody hangs with me (Apart from Steven S. DeKnight, but he doesn't count)
54. How good are you in a fight? I once made Steven S. DeKnight cry by flicking his eyes. Does that answer your question?
55. How many times have you been asked if you believe in vampires? 125. I always say yes before running off screaming, “The sun! It burns! IT BURNS!!”
56. What's the best dessert in the world? Sahara
57. Can you tell us a joke? Don petrie.
58. Do you feel Saddam Hussein might become a better person if he watched Buffy? He’s already a big fan. In fact, he asked if he could do a cameo once and we said yes. He’s the singing demon in “Once More…With Feeling”.
59. What's the record that changed your life? Most people in a Mini.
60. When was the last time you felt wide awake? 1982
61. What's the best time of day. Just before Dawn. Just like my favorite Buffy episodes,
62. Did you have any input in the very last episode of Buffy? Joss asked me what would make the last episode memorable. I thought about it and then said, “Batman!”. He stifled some laughter and then left the room with tears rolling down his cheeks.
63. Given a choice, would you be a vampire and live forever? I’m already going to live forever. I’m an immortal. The film Highlander was based on me.
64. When Angel started, were any of the characters going to end up on Angel other than Cordy and Wesley? I proposed to Joss that we take Buffy’s mom over to be Angel’s new love interest. He threw his coffee over me. He has now done it every morning since to “discipline my mind”.
65. Do you think that the series would stand more chance at the Emmys with a different name? Yes. “Faith the Vampire Slayer”. Or “Chad – The Alcohol Years”
66. What scares you? My talent.
67. How did you vote in the last election? I went into a little booth and put a cross next to some guys name.
68. Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf? Should I be? Do I owe her money?
69. Which was your favorite Golden Girl character? Chad.
70. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was shit.
71. What story will you never tell on Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Anything to do with poofs.
72. What are your pets called? Spike, Faith, Steven S. DeKnight and Chad.
73. How long will we have to wait for Ripper? Me and Steven S. DeKnight have already outlined a plot for the pilot. It revolves around Giles trying to find the ghost of Richard Whiteley. Joss as yet to give it the green light.
74. Do you believe in God? Every time I look in the mirror.
75. Would John Wayne have been out of place in Firefly? If episode 16 had been made, that question would have been answered.
76. Have you played the Buffy computer game? No. Everyone knows it’s shit.
77. How big is your television? I don’t have one. Steven S. DeKnight decided that we should throw out our TVs to escape the influence of the “Network poison” as this would help us come up with truly original ideas. He has since written three episodes of a show about devil robots and I have spent four months writing a movie called “Chad Begins”. So it’s clearly worked a treat!
78. Have you ever broken the law? Only when I accidentally killed Gle…no.
79. Which car do you drive? Mine.
80. Were you at Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding? Yes. Me and Steven S. DeKnight went dressed as Shaggy and Scooby Doo. We weren’t popular.
81. Would you eat at Doublemeat Palace? Are you questioning my sexuality?
82. Has anyone ever mentioned that the Serenity looks a bit like a plucked parrot? I designed the ship after accidentally walking in on Joss in the shower.
83. Which is your favorite member of The Magnificent Seven? Bashful.
84. Which show does your wife prefer, Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Or won't she tell you? I wish people would stop calling Steven S. DeKnight my wife.
85. Which show on U.S. TV at the moment do you love ... other than your own? Seeing as I don’t have a TV, I don’t have any favorite shows. Me and Steven S. DeKnight entertain ourselves by looking out of the window and doing the voices for people who walk past.
86. Who let the dogs out? I honestly don’t know what some of these questions mean.
87. How many series do you think you could run at once without exploding? We actually had a meeting about this once. Joss concluded that he could do no more than two, so me and Steven S. DeKnight laughed and called him a sissy. He slapped us both and fined us our clothes.
88. Can you speak Chinese? I fail to see the point unless I plan to go to China. Which I won’t. Cos it’s shit.
89. Can you ride a horse? Are you asking me, or in general? If it’s the latter then yes. If the former then no.
90. If you could write a song for any artist, who would you choose? I have just wrote a few songs for the new Katie Melua album. It took me ages to count those f**king bicycles.
91. Would YOU have survived Sunnydale High? Yes. I would have wrote myself as the hero.
92. What's the thing you're proudest of in this world? A jacket I got from Matalan.
93. What makes you happy? Cocaine
94. What makes you sad? The Matrix.
95. Do you find Benny Hill funny? Yes. I often walked very quickly, singing the theme tune, on the set of Angel. Sometimes during takes. David Boreanaz thought it was hilarious. I walked into a door once while doing it and he pissed himself laughing.
96. Who put the bob in the bob sh-bop? What the fuck are you on about?
97. Having worked in America, can you justify Twinkies to everyone in the UK? No. It’s like us justifying Jeremy Irons.
98. SFX is 100 issues old. Where do you want to be when you're 100? Dancing on Joss’ grave while holding an Oscar in each hand. Or Blackpool.
99. Does the Internet ever scare you? Only when I type “Sweaty Joss” into google.
100. Are you pleased this questionnaire is over? No. It’s the most work I’ve done in five years.
Here's a special interview with little-known Buffy/Angel/Firefly writer/producer/director (and Joss Whedon confidante), David "Boom Boom" Stanley.
(Source: SFX Magazine Nov 2005)
1. How are you? So very sleepy. I've been up all night with Joss making a Wonder Woman costume. He says he wants to "save the company money".
2. Where are you right now? In Joss' garage. Dressed as Wonder Woman. Joss is making me do action poses and taking pictures. Sometimes I hate my job.
3. What are you doing for the rest of today? I have to meet Steven S. DeKnight to discuss why Dawn was a bad idea and hypothesize how to write her out of history.
4. What's your favorite British show? Me and Jeffrey Bell are currently working on an English version of Sealab 2021. If it happens that will be my favorite show.
5. What's your favorite British swear word? C**t. It's horrible when Americans say it, but oddly endearing with a British accent. "C**t!". See?
6. Are you running out of ambitions? There are many things I want to do yet. Like re-write the Star Wars prequels, star in my own solo West End show and invent a new type of food. So, no.
7. Which is your favorite Western? Is that a trick question?.
8. Which is your favorite science fiction movie? Dude, where's my Car?
9. Which is your favorite musical? Mary Poppins. I still chimney sweep on the side because of that movie.
10. Who is your favorite James Bond? Me. And Moore.
11. Who is your favorite Doctor Who? Baker. And me.
12. Who's your favorite other person called David? Boreanaz. I sometimes pretend he's my dad.
13. When were you drunk last? I'm drunk now. And always will be.
14. Superman or Spiderman? Spidey. Supes is a prick.
15. Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
16. Will there be any more of Buffy? Joss wants to do some, but me and Steven S. DeKnight won't let him until he rectifies his Dawn mistake.
17. Will there be any more of Angel? There should have been a sixth season, but Joss wanted to bring over Dawn, so me and Steven S. DeKnight locked him in his cellar and told the network we wouldn't be doing any more.
18. Will there be any more of Firefly? We actually filmed 10 more episodes, but Joss didn't like the new character I introduced (played by me) so he scrapped them. The git. He was a good character too. His name was Chad and he had some rather interesting questions for Book...
19. Who did you take to the prom? Billie Piper. Then I remembered we don't have proms in England so me and Billie just sat in the empty sports hall drinking tea.
20. Are you spreading yourself too thinly, and is this a good thing? Yes, no, maybe. What?
21. What's your favorite biological function? Peeing is very inconvenient and you have to do it too much. But who doesn't love a good crap? I once went seven times in one day... (Aren’t you glad real life doesn't have flashbacks?)
22. Who is your hero? The Granddad from "Bread".
23. What would you do if all your shows ended tomorrow? Phone Joss and ask him what I should do with my life now. Then phone Steven S. DeKnight.
24. Which show do you enjoy writing the most? I wrote an episode of Golden Girls once, which I really enjoyed. It got axed. Apparently, they didn't like my new character (which I played). His name was Chad and he had questions for Bea...
25. Which show do you enjoy directing the most? See above.
26. Which actor gives you the most backtalk? Glenn Quinn. Well, he did until I accidentally...er, never mind.
27. Which writer never agrees with you? Joss. That's why his shows keep getting cancelled.
28. Which movie would you loved to have written? Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
29. Which movie do you regret having any involvement in? Alien Resurrection.
30. How many hours of sleep do you get at night? 12-15
31. What's the most irritating question someone has have ever asked you? When did you last see Glenn Quinn, sir?
32. Which book would you recommend everybody should read? The Marvel Superhero Omnibus 1986.
33. Who is the most overlooked person on television? Me.
34. Who should be the most overlooked person on television? Joss Whedon.
35. Kirk or Picard? Picard. Kirk was a reckless idiot who kept endangering his crew. And he fancied Spock. And he was played by William Shatner. Case closed.
36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe.
37. Has anyone ever come up to you and said "I loved you in The Shawshank Redemption?" Yes.
38. What's the worst part of making a television show? Cleaning Joss' shoes every morning.
39. And what's the best? Paper fights with Steven S. DeKnight.
40. What's the worst line of dialogue you've ever written? According to Joss it's, "Hello, my name is Chad (pause) and I have questions for you, "Book"..."
41. And what's the best? Wash: "It's simple, Mal. These three switches mean (Flicking them as he goes) Ready..set...GO!" (It was cut)
42. Is the character of Wash in Firefly based on you? Yes.
43. Would you do Faith the Vampire Slayer if Eliza Dushku would commit to it? Absolutely. But Joss won't let me. He's still angry about that sex scene I wrote for her in Buffy involving Faith, Buffy and Chad (Played by me). It was cut. Besides, Eliza refuses to work with me after my "muff" remark last year. I can't talk about it for legal reasons.
44. Does it worry you that Spike is such a popular character--he's evil! So am I.
45. If you could do a crossover episode of Buffy, Angel, or Firefly with any other show, what would it be? Sealab. The English version.
46. What do you think of fan fiction: flattering or embarrassing? A bit of both. Like my work (according to Joss)
47. For budgetary reasons, you have to do a "clip" episode of Angel. How would you make it different from the norm? It would only be the clips of Wesley falling over.
48. What was your nickname in school? "Odd shoes"
49. If they did Buffy Big Brother, who would win? Chad
50. Is Hamlet mad? How the f**k should I know?
51. Do you see the influence of Buffy on other shows (i.e., Smallville)? Not Buffy's influence - Mine
52. Can I show you my script? No. If Joss doesn't look at mine, I won't look at yours. (Wow. THIS is what power feels like)
53. Who are the best people to hang out with--actors, writers, producers,
or directors? I do all three and nobody hangs with me (Apart from Steven S. DeKnight, but he doesn't count)
54. How good are you in a fight? I once made Steven S. DeKnight cry by flicking his eyes. Does that answer your question?
55. How many times have you been asked if you believe in vampires? 125. I always say yes before running off screaming, “The sun! It burns! IT BURNS!!”
56. What's the best dessert in the world? Sahara
57. Can you tell us a joke? Don petrie.
58. Do you feel Saddam Hussein might become a better person if he watched Buffy? He’s already a big fan. In fact, he asked if he could do a cameo once and we said yes. He’s the singing demon in “Once More…With Feeling”.
59. What's the record that changed your life? Most people in a Mini.
60. When was the last time you felt wide awake? 1982
61. What's the best time of day. Just before Dawn. Just like my favorite Buffy episodes,
62. Did you have any input in the very last episode of Buffy? Joss asked me what would make the last episode memorable. I thought about it and then said, “Batman!”. He stifled some laughter and then left the room with tears rolling down his cheeks.
63. Given a choice, would you be a vampire and live forever? I’m already going to live forever. I’m an immortal. The film Highlander was based on me.
64. When Angel started, were any of the characters going to end up on Angel other than Cordy and Wesley? I proposed to Joss that we take Buffy’s mom over to be Angel’s new love interest. He threw his coffee over me. He has now done it every morning since to “discipline my mind”.
65. Do you think that the series would stand more chance at the Emmys with a different name? Yes. “Faith the Vampire Slayer”. Or “Chad – The Alcohol Years”
66. What scares you? My talent.
67. How did you vote in the last election? I went into a little booth and put a cross next to some guys name.
68. Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf? Should I be? Do I owe her money?
69. Which was your favorite Golden Girl character? Chad.
70. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was shit.
71. What story will you never tell on Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Anything to do with poofs.
72. What are your pets called? Spike, Faith, Steven S. DeKnight and Chad.
73. How long will we have to wait for Ripper? Me and Steven S. DeKnight have already outlined a plot for the pilot. It revolves around Giles trying to find the ghost of Richard Whiteley. Joss as yet to give it the green light.
74. Do you believe in God? Every time I look in the mirror.
75. Would John Wayne have been out of place in Firefly? If episode 16 had been made, that question would have been answered.
76. Have you played the Buffy computer game? No. Everyone knows it’s shit.
77. How big is your television? I don’t have one. Steven S. DeKnight decided that we should throw out our TVs to escape the influence of the “Network poison” as this would help us come up with truly original ideas. He has since written three episodes of a show about devil robots and I have spent four months writing a movie called “Chad Begins”. So it’s clearly worked a treat!
78. Have you ever broken the law? Only when I accidentally killed Gle…no.
79. Which car do you drive? Mine.
80. Were you at Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding? Yes. Me and Steven S. DeKnight went dressed as Shaggy and Scooby Doo. We weren’t popular.
81. Would you eat at Doublemeat Palace? Are you questioning my sexuality?
82. Has anyone ever mentioned that the Serenity looks a bit like a plucked parrot? I designed the ship after accidentally walking in on Joss in the shower.
83. Which is your favorite member of The Magnificent Seven? Bashful.
84. Which show does your wife prefer, Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Or won't she tell you? I wish people would stop calling Steven S. DeKnight my wife.
85. Which show on U.S. TV at the moment do you love ... other than your own? Seeing as I don’t have a TV, I don’t have any favorite shows. Me and Steven S. DeKnight entertain ourselves by looking out of the window and doing the voices for people who walk past.
86. Who let the dogs out? I honestly don’t know what some of these questions mean.
87. How many series do you think you could run at once without exploding? We actually had a meeting about this once. Joss concluded that he could do no more than two, so me and Steven S. DeKnight laughed and called him a sissy. He slapped us both and fined us our clothes.
88. Can you speak Chinese? I fail to see the point unless I plan to go to China. Which I won’t. Cos it’s shit.
89. Can you ride a horse? Are you asking me, or in general? If it’s the latter then yes. If the former then no.
90. If you could write a song for any artist, who would you choose? I have just wrote a few songs for the new Katie Melua album. It took me ages to count those f**king bicycles.
91. Would YOU have survived Sunnydale High? Yes. I would have wrote myself as the hero.
92. What's the thing you're proudest of in this world? A jacket I got from Matalan.
93. What makes you happy? Cocaine
94. What makes you sad? The Matrix.
95. Do you find Benny Hill funny? Yes. I often walked very quickly, singing the theme tune, on the set of Angel. Sometimes during takes. David Boreanaz thought it was hilarious. I walked into a door once while doing it and he pissed himself laughing.
96. Who put the bob in the bob sh-bop? What the fuck are you on about?
97. Having worked in America, can you justify Twinkies to everyone in the UK? No. It’s like us justifying Jeremy Irons.
98. SFX is 100 issues old. Where do you want to be when you're 100? Dancing on Joss’ grave while holding an Oscar in each hand. Or Blackpool.
99. Does the Internet ever scare you? Only when I type “Sweaty Joss” into google.
100. Are you pleased this questionnaire is over? No. It’s the most work I’ve done in five years.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
27th December 2005
INMATE PRISON SCAMS
Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furious that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".
Reporter: G. Drury.
WENGER WAX
A terrible mix up has occurred at Madam Tussauds in London. The Arsenal manager Arsene Wengre wax work was taken home by the club instead of the Frenchman when he was showing it to the press. The wax work has now been managing the club for the last three months. Assistant manger Pat Rice stated that the team seemed to respond better over the last few months to the managers words of wisdom. The wax work which won the manger of the Month in February is now been linked to major clubs across Europe.
Reported by: M. Gosling
WORLD NEWS
It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furious that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".
Reporter: G. Drury.
WENGER WAX
A terrible mix up has occurred at Madam Tussauds in London. The Arsenal manager Arsene Wengre wax work was taken home by the club instead of the Frenchman when he was showing it to the press. The wax work has now been managing the club for the last three months. Assistant manger Pat Rice stated that the team seemed to respond better over the last few months to the managers words of wisdom. The wax work which won the manger of the Month in February is now been linked to major clubs across Europe.
Reported by: M. Gosling
WORLD NEWS
It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Monday, December 19, 2005
19th December 2005
RAINBOW OUT
Reporter: M. Gosling
Former Rainbow presenter Bungle Bugs announced to the world yesterday that he is Gay. The presenter who is currently working on a ADULT DVD with Rod, Jane and Freddie called "Rodding Jane & Freddie" made the announcement on a local radio station program. It comes in a long line of shock revelations about the former cast of the hit children's series. Zippy is now a recovering alcoholic and George is set for a colour change operation. Meanwhile since Geoffrey's London play titled "Silly Billy" got poor reviews from critics the Rainbow front man is now set to play the Mitchell's 'other' brother in East Enders
MOSES V's SANTA
Reporter: M. Gosling
Father Christmas today announced that he is to take on Moses in ITV1 celebrity Wrestling. Clause is angry over the Fact that Moses looks like him. Santa states that he was the first to have white hair, a beard and a red gown. He went on to sate that he does not believe in the story of Moses and its based on total fiction. Santa did try suing the holder of the ten commandments however Lapland law prevents him from doing so. Moses who accepted the offer declined to comment, his lawyer stated that he is currently working on his next book "the next 10 commandments".
RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER
Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Former Rainbow presenter Bungle Bugs announced to the world yesterday that he is Gay. The presenter who is currently working on a ADULT DVD with Rod, Jane and Freddie called "Rodding Jane & Freddie" made the announcement on a local radio station program. It comes in a long line of shock revelations about the former cast of the hit children's series. Zippy is now a recovering alcoholic and George is set for a colour change operation. Meanwhile since Geoffrey's London play titled "Silly Billy" got poor reviews from critics the Rainbow front man is now set to play the Mitchell's 'other' brother in East Enders
MOSES V's SANTA
Reporter: M. Gosling
Father Christmas today announced that he is to take on Moses in ITV1 celebrity Wrestling. Clause is angry over the Fact that Moses looks like him. Santa states that he was the first to have white hair, a beard and a red gown. He went on to sate that he does not believe in the story of Moses and its based on total fiction. Santa did try suing the holder of the ten commandments however Lapland law prevents him from doing so. Moses who accepted the offer declined to comment, his lawyer stated that he is currently working on his next book "the next 10 commandments".
RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER
Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
14th December 2005
One of my first ever entries of T.W.A.T.S. that never made publication:-
GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES
It appears as though there are certain people out there that do not want to see T.W.A.T.S. published. They would rather the truth not get out about certain things. The Government, with it's control of the media couldn't allow a unofficial, uncontrolled news source to circulate, telling the world what is really happening and not just what the Government allows you to think is hapening. The first issue was due to be published about 2000hrs on Sunday night but the powers that be stepped in to put an end to that. Some sort of "bomb" was sent through my broadband connection at around 1930hrs which casued my computer to restart several times in quick succession and now will not re-start at all leaving the first issue unaccesable. As soon as my P.C is repaired, I can garentee i will be bringing this to the world. No Government can stop me.
GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES
It appears as though there are certain people out there that do not want to see T.W.A.T.S. published. They would rather the truth not get out about certain things. The Government, with it's control of the media couldn't allow a unofficial, uncontrolled news source to circulate, telling the world what is really happening and not just what the Government allows you to think is hapening. The first issue was due to be published about 2000hrs on Sunday night but the powers that be stepped in to put an end to that. Some sort of "bomb" was sent through my broadband connection at around 1930hrs which casued my computer to restart several times in quick succession and now will not re-start at all leaving the first issue unaccesable. As soon as my P.C is repaired, I can garentee i will be bringing this to the world. No Government can stop me.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
26th May 2005
MUTANT CHILDREN LIVING IN RUSSIA
Reported by: Various Contributers
THE Chernobyl nuclear disaster has spawned a generation of 'mutant' super-brainy children.
Kids growing up in areas damaged by radiation from the plant have a higher IQ and faster reaction times, say Russian doctors.
They are also growing faster and have stronger immune systems.
Radiation from the Ukrainian Chernobyl plant swept the globe and affected more than seven million people.
Professor Vladimir Mikhalev from Bryansk State University, has tracked the health of youngsters growing up in areas hit by the fallout since the 1986 accident.
He compared their mental agility and health to those in unaffected areas and found they came out top in tests.
The kids had been exposed to radiation in the atmosphere and their food supply.
Scientists have now been given a grant to further research into this.
Reported by: Various Contributers
THE Chernobyl nuclear disaster has spawned a generation of 'mutant' super-brainy children.
Kids growing up in areas damaged by radiation from the plant have a higher IQ and faster reaction times, say Russian doctors.
They are also growing faster and have stronger immune systems.
Radiation from the Ukrainian Chernobyl plant swept the globe and affected more than seven million people.
Professor Vladimir Mikhalev from Bryansk State University, has tracked the health of youngsters growing up in areas hit by the fallout since the 1986 accident.
He compared their mental agility and health to those in unaffected areas and found they came out top in tests.
The kids had been exposed to radiation in the atmosphere and their food supply.
Scientists have now been given a grant to further research into this.
20th May 2005
FUNDING REFUSED FOR RDSU
Reporter: G. Drury
Yesterday, the Russian Doctors and Scientists Union (RDSU) were fuming that requests for extra funding was declined by the Governemt. At a press conference, it was revealed that the Governments desciosion was based upon the lack of any progress over the last five years by Scientists. There were also no projects in the pipeline that was worthy of extra funding. "They simply don't deserve it". Steve, a spokesperson for the RDSU, siad "This is ridiculous. We have worked very hard and can't get anything done without funding. We're paying for microscopes out of our own pocket. We deserve this extra funding and I'll be damned if we don't get it".
Reporter: G. Drury
Yesterday, the Russian Doctors and Scientists Union (RDSU) were fuming that requests for extra funding was declined by the Governemt. At a press conference, it was revealed that the Governments desciosion was based upon the lack of any progress over the last five years by Scientists. There were also no projects in the pipeline that was worthy of extra funding. "They simply don't deserve it". Steve, a spokesperson for the RDSU, siad "This is ridiculous. We have worked very hard and can't get anything done without funding. We're paying for microscopes out of our own pocket. We deserve this extra funding and I'll be damned if we don't get it".
Thursday, May 05, 2005
1st May 2005
INLAND REVENUE JAILED????
Reporter: Ben Kovengland
Solicitor Ian MacFarlane has spent the last seven years diverting over £800,000 of his company's money into a bogus account he created. He set up this account in the bogus name of Ian Revue and wrote company cheques to himself, passing them off as cheques to the Inland Revenue. His scam involved pocketing customer's stamp duty and using the money to pay for holidays, property deals, tax bills, and school charges amongst other things. His manager, Mr Bartholemew Claysbank, who likes to be called just "Bar", said "His actions are dispicable. I just don't know how comeone can have the nerve to change their name and do something like that. Especially as his name doesn't even really look that close to Inland Revenue. I'd have hoped my employees had shown more imagination than that."
NEW WBO CHAMPION!!!
Reporter: G. Drury
In a shocking twist to the change of the WBO boxing title rules, a manager of a local town's leisure centre has become the Intercontinental Welterweight Champion. As recently announced, the beltt operates under 24/7 rules and the title is held by the last person to wear the belt. He aquired the belt through some inginius cunning rarely seen in the world of boxing. When at one stage the belt was left unattended, he walked up and put it on. Now he has his first championship belt. When asked for a quote he replied "I'm looking forward to more sports adopting this type of change to the rules. I'm hoping I can get the world cup next year."
Reporter: Ben Kovengland
Solicitor Ian MacFarlane has spent the last seven years diverting over £800,000 of his company's money into a bogus account he created. He set up this account in the bogus name of Ian Revue and wrote company cheques to himself, passing them off as cheques to the Inland Revenue. His scam involved pocketing customer's stamp duty and using the money to pay for holidays, property deals, tax bills, and school charges amongst other things. His manager, Mr Bartholemew Claysbank, who likes to be called just "Bar", said "His actions are dispicable. I just don't know how comeone can have the nerve to change their name and do something like that. Especially as his name doesn't even really look that close to Inland Revenue. I'd have hoped my employees had shown more imagination than that."
NEW WBO CHAMPION!!!
Reporter: G. Drury
In a shocking twist to the change of the WBO boxing title rules, a manager of a local town's leisure centre has become the Intercontinental Welterweight Champion. As recently announced, the beltt operates under 24/7 rules and the title is held by the last person to wear the belt. He aquired the belt through some inginius cunning rarely seen in the world of boxing. When at one stage the belt was left unattended, he walked up and put it on. Now he has his first championship belt. When asked for a quote he replied "I'm looking forward to more sports adopting this type of change to the rules. I'm hoping I can get the world cup next year."
29th April 2005
LONDON EYE STOLEN
Reporter: D. Stanley
The London Eye was stolen last night by Brian Blessed. The actor, 54, had been building a large see-saw device for the past four years, and in the early hours of Monday morning, used it to catapult the famous attraction into his back yard. It is widely believed that he used his own massive girth to execute the proceedure. Police are now trying to start talks with the Flash Gordon star, who has barricaded himself in his home and can be heard laughing as he rides the London Eye from six miles away.
STAN RICHARDS
Reporter: D. Stanley
Stan Richards was today found alive and well in Hull, where he had been living with Badgers. The Emmerdale star said he had suddenly found a love for nature when he joined the soap back in 1907, and had longed to live like his favourite wild animal ever since. Due to work commitments, however, he was prevented from doing so, thanks to an unprecedented 203-year contract he was tricked into signing by the show's secret producer, Jeremy Beadle. Stan, famous for playing the tashy layabout Seth Armstrong, suddenly decided that he had had enough in the winter of last year, and so faked his own death with a shop keeper's dummy that was painted to look like him by local artist Ashley Jackson. Armstrong, 123, said he had been happy living with the badgers, and that they had accepted him as one of the family. Seth has now been ordered to go back to a normal way of life and to reappear in Emmerdale as Jack's new gay love interest. The badgers have been shot and will be paraded through the streets of Hull tomorrow as common practice dictates.
STATUS QUO
Reporter: D. Stanley
Status Quo have announced today that they are to release a special single to celebrate their 125th anniversary. The band, who started out as an Irish folk group with hits such as, "He ain't pretty, he's my sister" and "Where the hell did that combine come from?", will release the gold-plated CD on May 25th, and will have an added special element that all Quo fans will love. "Simply put," said drug-head Rick Parfett, "we have been practicing for months and, eventually, we learned a brand-new chord. It will appear on the new song. We are all very pleased." The song, entitled, "Rock and roll whore-bag" will also feature a hidden message from the future voice of Bob Geldoff, which the band accidentally picked up on radioactive feedback. "It's definitely him," said Rick, "Even Bob says it's him, although he doesn't remember saying it because he hasn't said it yet". When asked what the message was, Rick said, "Nnnnnggghhhhaaaaggghhhh!".
Reporter: D. Stanley
The London Eye was stolen last night by Brian Blessed. The actor, 54, had been building a large see-saw device for the past four years, and in the early hours of Monday morning, used it to catapult the famous attraction into his back yard. It is widely believed that he used his own massive girth to execute the proceedure. Police are now trying to start talks with the Flash Gordon star, who has barricaded himself in his home and can be heard laughing as he rides the London Eye from six miles away.
STAN RICHARDS
Reporter: D. Stanley
Stan Richards was today found alive and well in Hull, where he had been living with Badgers. The Emmerdale star said he had suddenly found a love for nature when he joined the soap back in 1907, and had longed to live like his favourite wild animal ever since. Due to work commitments, however, he was prevented from doing so, thanks to an unprecedented 203-year contract he was tricked into signing by the show's secret producer, Jeremy Beadle. Stan, famous for playing the tashy layabout Seth Armstrong, suddenly decided that he had had enough in the winter of last year, and so faked his own death with a shop keeper's dummy that was painted to look like him by local artist Ashley Jackson. Armstrong, 123, said he had been happy living with the badgers, and that they had accepted him as one of the family. Seth has now been ordered to go back to a normal way of life and to reappear in Emmerdale as Jack's new gay love interest. The badgers have been shot and will be paraded through the streets of Hull tomorrow as common practice dictates.
STATUS QUO
Reporter: D. Stanley
Status Quo have announced today that they are to release a special single to celebrate their 125th anniversary. The band, who started out as an Irish folk group with hits such as, "He ain't pretty, he's my sister" and "Where the hell did that combine come from?", will release the gold-plated CD on May 25th, and will have an added special element that all Quo fans will love. "Simply put," said drug-head Rick Parfett, "we have been practicing for months and, eventually, we learned a brand-new chord. It will appear on the new song. We are all very pleased." The song, entitled, "Rock and roll whore-bag" will also feature a hidden message from the future voice of Bob Geldoff, which the band accidentally picked up on radioactive feedback. "It's definitely him," said Rick, "Even Bob says it's him, although he doesn't remember saying it because he hasn't said it yet". When asked what the message was, Rick said, "Nnnnnggghhhhaaaaggghhhh!".
Thursday, April 28, 2005
26th April 2005
HE MAN SHOCK!!!
Reporter: M. Gosling
Anorexic groups yesterday condemned he-man after his public comments about Skeletor. He-Man who was doing a live phone-in on the Today program made a comment about his nemesis' boney complexion and poor eating habits. It comes as yet another blow for the Prince. Who was found to be taking steroids to build himself up more for the up coming Master of the Universe Games in September. He-Man is also in trouble by the RSPCA for keeping a rare green tiger without a license.
LIFE ON MARS
Reporter: M. Gosling.
NASA yesterday confirmed that they had received an electronic signal from the red planet. The signal, which was in the form of a letter, was official notice that Mars intends to sue Hollywood for mis-representation. The Letter stated that at no time has Mars invaded, visited, hurled objects at the Earth. Furthermore Marians look nothing like the ones portrayed by Hollywood over the years.
MONKEY MADNESS
Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government have announced that the cabinet is to have a two week Holiday. The Government will be replaced by a set of trained Monkeys. The Monkeys will run the country and make any decisions they feel fit in the time they have power. The entire cabinet have been criticised for this decision to go on holiday for two weeks especially with it co-inciding with the two week visit of the American President George W Bush. The head monkey "BILLY" will take the role of Prime Minister. The American press have covered the situation on American television and have interviewed a spokes person for the white house. The Spokes person stated that the president was looking forward to his visited especially to open communications with the new prime minister. A insider for the white house also stated that Mr Bush was looking forward to finally having a World leader on his level of intelligence and communication.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Anorexic groups yesterday condemned he-man after his public comments about Skeletor. He-Man who was doing a live phone-in on the Today program made a comment about his nemesis' boney complexion and poor eating habits. It comes as yet another blow for the Prince. Who was found to be taking steroids to build himself up more for the up coming Master of the Universe Games in September. He-Man is also in trouble by the RSPCA for keeping a rare green tiger without a license.
LIFE ON MARS
Reporter: M. Gosling.
NASA yesterday confirmed that they had received an electronic signal from the red planet. The signal, which was in the form of a letter, was official notice that Mars intends to sue Hollywood for mis-representation. The Letter stated that at no time has Mars invaded, visited, hurled objects at the Earth. Furthermore Marians look nothing like the ones portrayed by Hollywood over the years.
MONKEY MADNESS
Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government have announced that the cabinet is to have a two week Holiday. The Government will be replaced by a set of trained Monkeys. The Monkeys will run the country and make any decisions they feel fit in the time they have power. The entire cabinet have been criticised for this decision to go on holiday for two weeks especially with it co-inciding with the two week visit of the American President George W Bush. The head monkey "BILLY" will take the role of Prime Minister. The American press have covered the situation on American television and have interviewed a spokes person for the white house. The Spokes person stated that the president was looking forward to his visited especially to open communications with the new prime minister. A insider for the white house also stated that Mr Bush was looking forward to finally having a World leader on his level of intelligence and communication.
Monday, April 25, 2005
25th April 2005
REDKNAPP RELEGATION SHOCKER!
Reporter: G. Drury
It was shockingly revealed last night by one of Portsmouth's cleaners, Steve, that secret vegetarian, Harry Redknapp, never had any intention of keeping Southampton out of relegation. He went on to reveal that Harry actually hates Southampton with a passion and only took the job as manager to make sure they go down. It is believed that he came up with this plan 3 years ago and is going to quit his management career at the end of the season when he has got them relegated and finish his career on a high. After a bit of digging around we can reveal that Harry Redknapp dislikes Southampton so much because of his hatred of any team with meat products in their name after he was sacked by West HAM at the end of the 2000 / 2001 season. LIVERpool, birmingHAM, tottenHAM, and fulHAM are other teams he also would have liked to get relegated before his career was over but he decided that he would have a better chance with soutHAMpton.
WBO TO CHANGE BOXING
Reporter: G. Drury
Over the weekend, WBO announced changes to the way in which their Championship Titles were won and lost.Their Heavyweight titles is now won by causing your opponent to bleed in "first blood" matches. The Lightweight title will now change hands by "beating the buzzer". This involves each boxer to wear a special buzzer that is strapped to their sides and the winner being the boxer who punches his opponents buzzer. The Welterweight title will now be won simply by wearing it and will be under 24/7 rules meaning it can be won at any time day or night and the holder being the last person to wear it. All other titles will remain the same.
GIRLS ALOUD SPLIT?
Reporter: D. Stanley
Nadine Coyle from pop group Girls Aloud has announced today that her legs are leaving the band. Speculation has been rife over such a split ever since it became evident that Nadine's legs had become far and away the most popular member of the group. A spokesperson speaking on behalf of Nadine's legs read to waiting reporters, "It is my sad duty to reveal that the rumours are indeed true and that I am leaving Girls Aloud. I have had a great two years with the girls but now I think it is time to branch out on my own. I look forward to seeing you on stage sometime in the near future".
Nadine's legs releases her new single, a cover of Stairway To Heaven, next month. Nadine's legs' album is believed to be going to be called, "We Need To Be Apart".
ANYONE FOR CRICKET? THOUGHT NOT.
Reporter: M. Gosling
The world was saddened today by news that the Cricket season starts soon. The game which can last for days has bored people now for ages. The world Cricket council have now openly acknowledged the boredom factor within the game and have come up with a number of changes. The changes are to be phased in over the next few seasons and will hopefully increase to the viewing audience in the UK that currently stands at 6. A few ideas on the table include an Explosive ball. The ball will have a small amount of explosive put inside it and a timer attached to it around the rim of the ball. The umpire will randomly set the timer and the ball will obviously go off at anytime during the game. This will be another way that a player can be out!. Other ideas include a 5 minute fight where all the players are able to fight with each other and weaken the other team. All the ideas are still in working progress.
Reporter: G. Drury
It was shockingly revealed last night by one of Portsmouth's cleaners, Steve, that secret vegetarian, Harry Redknapp, never had any intention of keeping Southampton out of relegation. He went on to reveal that Harry actually hates Southampton with a passion and only took the job as manager to make sure they go down. It is believed that he came up with this plan 3 years ago and is going to quit his management career at the end of the season when he has got them relegated and finish his career on a high. After a bit of digging around we can reveal that Harry Redknapp dislikes Southampton so much because of his hatred of any team with meat products in their name after he was sacked by West HAM at the end of the 2000 / 2001 season. LIVERpool, birmingHAM, tottenHAM, and fulHAM are other teams he also would have liked to get relegated before his career was over but he decided that he would have a better chance with soutHAMpton.
WBO TO CHANGE BOXING
Reporter: G. Drury
Over the weekend, WBO announced changes to the way in which their Championship Titles were won and lost.Their Heavyweight titles is now won by causing your opponent to bleed in "first blood" matches. The Lightweight title will now change hands by "beating the buzzer". This involves each boxer to wear a special buzzer that is strapped to their sides and the winner being the boxer who punches his opponents buzzer. The Welterweight title will now be won simply by wearing it and will be under 24/7 rules meaning it can be won at any time day or night and the holder being the last person to wear it. All other titles will remain the same.
GIRLS ALOUD SPLIT?
Reporter: D. Stanley
Nadine Coyle from pop group Girls Aloud has announced today that her legs are leaving the band. Speculation has been rife over such a split ever since it became evident that Nadine's legs had become far and away the most popular member of the group. A spokesperson speaking on behalf of Nadine's legs read to waiting reporters, "It is my sad duty to reveal that the rumours are indeed true and that I am leaving Girls Aloud. I have had a great two years with the girls but now I think it is time to branch out on my own. I look forward to seeing you on stage sometime in the near future".
Nadine's legs releases her new single, a cover of Stairway To Heaven, next month. Nadine's legs' album is believed to be going to be called, "We Need To Be Apart".
ANYONE FOR CRICKET? THOUGHT NOT.
Reporter: M. Gosling
The world was saddened today by news that the Cricket season starts soon. The game which can last for days has bored people now for ages. The world Cricket council have now openly acknowledged the boredom factor within the game and have come up with a number of changes. The changes are to be phased in over the next few seasons and will hopefully increase to the viewing audience in the UK that currently stands at 6. A few ideas on the table include an Explosive ball. The ball will have a small amount of explosive put inside it and a timer attached to it around the rim of the ball. The umpire will randomly set the timer and the ball will obviously go off at anytime during the game. This will be another way that a player can be out!. Other ideas include a 5 minute fight where all the players are able to fight with each other and weaken the other team. All the ideas are still in working progress.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
BATMAN QUITS!!
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: M. Gosling
Gotham City Council last night announced that Batman had left in a dispute over pay. The Caped Crusader had being defending the city for the past few years walked out of pay talks with the council. The Council will advertise the position in next Fridays Gotham City Times. The advert will read.
Super Hero Required
Super Hero Needed to defend City against crime. At least one super power would be preferred. City will provide calling signal and red phone. Applicant must provide costume, Vehicles and Equipment. No previous experience required. Contact Commissioner Gordon on Gotham 07585785
A spokesman for the Council confirmed that they had been in touch with the X-MEN of the possible position if Batman walked. Negations broke down however when professor Xavier kept reading the Council members minds.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Gotham City Council last night announced that Batman had left in a dispute over pay. The Caped Crusader had being defending the city for the past few years walked out of pay talks with the council. The Council will advertise the position in next Fridays Gotham City Times. The advert will read.
Super Hero Required
Super Hero Needed to defend City against crime. At least one super power would be preferred. City will provide calling signal and red phone. Applicant must provide costume, Vehicles and Equipment. No previous experience required. Contact Commissioner Gordon on Gotham 07585785
A spokesman for the Council confirmed that they had been in touch with the X-MEN of the possible position if Batman walked. Negations broke down however when professor Xavier kept reading the Council members minds.
FORMER WWE WRESTLER EXPLODES
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: D. Stanley
Former WWE wrestler Scott Steiner exploded yesterday in a crowded gym. The ex-WCW champion was said to be attempting to benchpress 4000lbs at the time of his death, and experts have attributed this to the cause of his demise. "The pressure on the muscles would have been impossible to imagine," said professor Hopkins from the Muscle and Eyes deptartment of Cambridge University, "and it obviouslly caused his entire organic structure to suddenly explode".
Tributes have since been pouring in since Steiner's death. The Undertaker, Mark Calloway, said, "He was a shit wrestler, but a great man". Shawn Michaels, HBK, stated that he, "Loved him like a retarded sister", and former Intercontinental Champion, The Honky Tonk Man said, "I won a bet with him once and when he couldn't pay up I made him shag a chicken. Top bloke".
When asked if a special tribute would be made on Raw or Smackdown, Vince Mcmahon replied, "Who?".
Reporter: D. Stanley
Former WWE wrestler Scott Steiner exploded yesterday in a crowded gym. The ex-WCW champion was said to be attempting to benchpress 4000lbs at the time of his death, and experts have attributed this to the cause of his demise. "The pressure on the muscles would have been impossible to imagine," said professor Hopkins from the Muscle and Eyes deptartment of Cambridge University, "and it obviouslly caused his entire organic structure to suddenly explode".
Tributes have since been pouring in since Steiner's death. The Undertaker, Mark Calloway, said, "He was a shit wrestler, but a great man". Shawn Michaels, HBK, stated that he, "Loved him like a retarded sister", and former Intercontinental Champion, The Honky Tonk Man said, "I won a bet with him once and when he couldn't pay up I made him shag a chicken. Top bloke".
When asked if a special tribute would be made on Raw or Smackdown, Vince Mcmahon replied, "Who?".
TOM O'GONNER?
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: D. Stanley
The comedian Tom O’ Connor has been killed after a fight with fellow star Des O’ Connor. The scuffle broke out in a London Macdonald’s restaurant after Des claimed to have adopted the surname first. Des, 78, and Tom, 123, both gave themselves the last name when they started their careers in the 1920’s, and a feud immediately began between the pair. They put their differences to one side, however, during the war effort, and had remained good friends up until last night’s fight. A witness said, “Tom just suddenly went ape-s**t and started laying into poor old Des, who tried to defend himself by holding up his new-born baby”. Des soon retaliated, though, and soon a full-blown fist-fight had erupted. Tom is said to have died from “Repeated blows to the funny-bone” and will be buried on Saturday. Des will not attend. The Police are considering arresting him, “When they have time”.
Reporter: D. Stanley
The comedian Tom O’ Connor has been killed after a fight with fellow star Des O’ Connor. The scuffle broke out in a London Macdonald’s restaurant after Des claimed to have adopted the surname first. Des, 78, and Tom, 123, both gave themselves the last name when they started their careers in the 1920’s, and a feud immediately began between the pair. They put their differences to one side, however, during the war effort, and had remained good friends up until last night’s fight. A witness said, “Tom just suddenly went ape-s**t and started laying into poor old Des, who tried to defend himself by holding up his new-born baby”. Des soon retaliated, though, and soon a full-blown fist-fight had erupted. Tom is said to have died from “Repeated blows to the funny-bone” and will be buried on Saturday. Des will not attend. The Police are considering arresting him, “When they have time”.
MAN JAILED FOR INCORRECTLY STARTING CAR
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: G. Drury
John McGivney, 64, has recently had a few problems starting his Chrysler in a morning.He turned to his friend Steve for help. Steve reportedly sold him a starters pistol and told him if he ever has any problems starting his motor again to just point it at the bonnet and fire the starter. John "McGullable" as he is known to his friends did just this and consequently is spending some time in jail.
Reporter: G. Drury
John McGivney, 64, has recently had a few problems starting his Chrysler in a morning.He turned to his friend Steve for help. Steve reportedly sold him a starters pistol and told him if he ever has any problems starting his motor again to just point it at the bonnet and fire the starter. John "McGullable" as he is known to his friends did just this and consequently is spending some time in jail.
CELEBRITY WAREHOUSES
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: M. Gosling
Linda Barker was today forced to only do one appearance at a time after her warehouse burnt to the ground today. The warehouse which contained a thousand Linda Barkers burned more quickly because the Barkers were built with cheap flammable settee foam. The fire brigade took over 3 hours to control the blaze. Linda Barker who will be doing over a million personal appearances and endorsements this year is said to be disappointed over the blaze. Carol Voderman categorically denied that she had anything to do with the blaze, the thought came after police admitted that since Barkers rise Voderman stock fell sharply. Carol Vorderman was an icon a couple of years ago she advertised everything and made loads of appearances. The Carol Vorderman warehouse closed at the beginning of the year. Ebay is full of Vodermans for sale to the highest bidder. Celebrity warehouses have become very popular with Celebes wanting to do as many endorsements and appearances as they can. Jeremy Beadle at one time commanded the biggest warehouse. The Two thumb seven and half figure presenter now owns a hundred Jeremy Beadles that he can do nothing with. The nation garden Nome society reportedly offered to take them off his hands.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Linda Barker was today forced to only do one appearance at a time after her warehouse burnt to the ground today. The warehouse which contained a thousand Linda Barkers burned more quickly because the Barkers were built with cheap flammable settee foam. The fire brigade took over 3 hours to control the blaze. Linda Barker who will be doing over a million personal appearances and endorsements this year is said to be disappointed over the blaze. Carol Voderman categorically denied that she had anything to do with the blaze, the thought came after police admitted that since Barkers rise Voderman stock fell sharply. Carol Vorderman was an icon a couple of years ago she advertised everything and made loads of appearances. The Carol Vorderman warehouse closed at the beginning of the year. Ebay is full of Vodermans for sale to the highest bidder. Celebrity warehouses have become very popular with Celebes wanting to do as many endorsements and appearances as they can. Jeremy Beadle at one time commanded the biggest warehouse. The Two thumb seven and half figure presenter now owns a hundred Jeremy Beadles that he can do nothing with. The nation garden Nome society reportedly offered to take them off his hands.
Friday, April 22, 2005
BUSH LANDING
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: M. Gosling
George W Bush announced to the world this morning that Aliens had landed on the earth and that that they had spoke to him in a primitive Language. He went on to say that they had set up a country and colonised land. They had developed tools and learned how to use horses and earth vehicles to get around The American president then left the stage with a peace gesture from his fingers towards the crowd. The Gathered media stood and applauded the President on his historic meeting with shouts, cheers and praise. Several minuets later a spokesperson for the white house announced that the President Had just come back from Mexico where he met the government and the people.
Reporter: M. Gosling
George W Bush announced to the world this morning that Aliens had landed on the earth and that that they had spoke to him in a primitive Language. He went on to say that they had set up a country and colonised land. They had developed tools and learned how to use horses and earth vehicles to get around The American president then left the stage with a peace gesture from his fingers towards the crowd. The Gathered media stood and applauded the President on his historic meeting with shouts, cheers and praise. Several minuets later a spokesperson for the white house announced that the President Had just come back from Mexico where he met the government and the people.
STAR OF DAVID HASSELHOFF
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: D. Stanley
David Hasselhoff is a Jew. The ex-Baywatch star revealed his true religion in a press conference yesterday saying that he “could no longer keep it inside”. The Knight Foundation is said to be “Shocked and saddened” by the news. KITT refused to comment.
Reporter: D. Stanley
David Hasselhoff is a Jew. The ex-Baywatch star revealed his true religion in a press conference yesterday saying that he “could no longer keep it inside”. The Knight Foundation is said to be “Shocked and saddened” by the news. KITT refused to comment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
