18th April 2008

Games Companies Get Creative



Midway has revealed its long talked-up, "re-imagined" Mortal Kombat game... and Batman's in it.

The artwork above was leaked to MK fansite Mortal Kombat Online, and is looking very likely to be the first look at Midway's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game. A report on Kotaku that says the game will feature no fatalities and "little to no blood".

In reaction to this news, Capcom are also revitalising one of their flagship series - Street Fighter. Steve Cawthorne, Programming Developer for Capcom told us "We realise that the series has become old and we need a fresh look.". Street Fighter V will now be set inside a huge arena with fighters participation in a ring in a series of one on one battles to be crowned the champion. "Kicks are no longer allowed and to allow for a tougher more challenging game, we're going to give the contestants gloves. Obviously special moves have gone too." Steve explains. "Some may think that this leaves M Bison (Balrog) with a distinct advantage, but we have a few tricks up our sleeve with the new coaching system. We think this is the natural progression of the series and what fans have been crying out for".

In a similar move, the creators of Manhunt released this statement. "After the controversy surrounding Manhunt 2, we felt this is obviously not the game that people want, so for Manhunt 3, we are taking it to the next step. This time you take control of a Steve "Bone Cruncher" Riley who, during a stormy Sunday afternoon at home, he gets a knock on the door. It's friends and they go outside to play hide and seek. It's your job as the player to find where your friends are hiding before the time runs out."

16th MARCH 2008

TECHNOLOGY GOES CRAZY

TV sets being developed by the BBC will be 33 times more detailed than the current HD models. The Super Hi-Vision system is so clear that sitting within 10ft can make you feel sick.
The System will need a screen at least 60 inches wide. A spokesman said "It is not a system for the average home"
The BBC are planning to use the system to show the 2012 Olympics on huge public screens across the country.


In similar news, Daewoo have announced development of a microwave 33 times quicker than current models. The Super Hi Intense Thermal system is so fast that eating food within 10 seconds can make you feel sick.
The system will need a tray at least 60 inches long. Yogi, a Daewoo spokesman said "this is not a system for the average bear"
Daewoo are planning to use the system to cater for the 2012 Olympics in canteens across the country.

5th December 2007

COX PLAYS DIRTY

After spoofing Britney Spears in the very first episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox started getting jittery about a potential lawsuit coming as she took the spoof and the character too far. As a counter measure, she yesterday released the following statement:-

Cox wants to spoof Spears in 'Dirt'
Tuesday, December 4 2007, 16:35 GMT
By Kimberley Dadds

Courtney Cox wants to use Britney Spears' troubled life for a storyline in the second series of her US show Dirt.
The Friends actress will spoof the singer's problems in the celebrity magazine-based show, although Spears will not appear in the programme herself.
A source told Star magazine: "Courteney can’t wait to give the Britney character a major smack-down on camera.
"Being a parent herself, Courteney is disheartened by the way Britney has treated her own kids."

She will now be re-spoofing the Famous singer but will now be making sure not to take it too far as she did with the last one which she called Julia Mallory, and stick to more factual and closer comparisons.

Courtney Cox hopes the limited intelligence of viewers will have failed recognise the original spoof.

10th August 2007

"This is Carly Underwood reporting live for the BBC. We are here at the scene of helicopter crash in Yorkshire which has gone unreported for two days. The RAF have begun an investigation into the cause of the Puma helicopter which crashed on Wednesday and left five people dead, and more importantly why the response had taken so long.
The aircraft was part of 43 Squadron, RAF Rodgers and a board of inquiry will be investigating the crash. The delay in finding out about this crashed has no doubt led to loss of life and with prompt response this tragedy could have been avoided.....wait, there is someone approaching. Let's see if we can grab a quick word......Excuse me Sir, BBC, can we have a quick word?"
"Is this about the helicopter?"
"Yes sir it is. What is your name?"
"Steve Richardson"
"Thanks for speaking to us Steve. What exactly is your connection to this steve?"
"We were out here for a walk Wednesday night and watched this helicopter quite rapidly go straight up into the air and it didn't sound right. It sounded like the engine was misfiring or something - it was making a hell of a racket"
"it was making a racket? You saw this?"
"Yeah, it was like buh buh....buh..buh.....buh buh...buh. This helicopter went onto its side and then shot off. I didn't think anything about it after that, just thought it was doing army manoevers or something"

24th July 2007

The Carlos Tevez Transfer Saga

The ongoing saga of who actually owns Carlos Teves has turned yet another corner with FIFA referring the case to the highest ranking sporting governing body in the world, The Court Of Arbitration For Sports. Manchester United's manager Alex Fergusson desperately wanting to sign the West Ham striker who is locked in a ownership dispute between the club and his agent/owner Kia. For those who haven't kept up with the various ongoings, following is a dramatisation of the events.

Sir Alex Fergusson picks up the phone and dials Alan Curbishley's office.

ALEX: Alan, I want to buy Carlos Tevez off of you.

ALAN: Sure, no problem. How much?

ALEX: £15M.

ALAN: That's super. I'll get him up to the office and sort this out straight away.

ALEX: Excellent. This is the smoothest transfer I've ever had to deal with.

------later-----

TEVEZ: So Alan, Kia tells me there's some transfer papers to sign?

ALAN: Yeagh, just waiting for it get here. Should be any second now.

There's a knock on the door and Sally walks in holding some papers.

SALLY: Here they are, Kia's just sent them over.

Tevez signs it and hands it over to Alan who reads it before signing.

ALAN: Whoa! What's this? All the transfer fee is to go to Kia? He says he owns you? Fuck that for a game of cards.

Alan phones Alex up.

ALAN: Alex. Kia says he owns Tevez. I can't sign these papers. This needs to be sorted out.

ALEX: Yeagh, I've just been on the phone with Kia. We're sorting it out now.

ALAN: What? He's my player not Kia's. I'm not dealing with this, I'm taking this to the FA.

-----later-----

SCENE: Football Association HQ. Directors Office

PETER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Earlier today I received a request to sort out this Tevez affair. It appears that when West Ham bought him previously, the contracts weren't sorted out and ownership is still in question. Now I know that we were supposed to have sorted this out so would whoever dealt with this care to explain why this is back on my desk?

Paul sits in his chair sweating quietly.

PETER: Paul, do you have something to say?

PAUL: I... Errr.. It was too complicated.... I.... I just threw it in the bin and told West Ham it was sorted.

PETER: Good idea Paul. That's what we'll do again. We'll say it's all sorted and West Ham own him and that's that. Good work Paul, I see a promotion coming your way.

-----later at West Ham-----

ALAN: Alex, the Premier League say we own Tevez and the deal is free to go ahead and ignore Kia but Kia's threatening court action. I think we're going to have to go to the top to sort this out.

ALEX: Agreed, to FIFA it is then.

-----later-----

SCENE: FIFA HQ Reception.

RECEPTIONIST: Morning Sepp.

SEPP: Hi Jayne, Any messages this morning?

JAYNE: There's a fax from Manchester United and West Ham United in your office.

SEPP: Thanks. Is that all?

JAYNE: Yes Sir.

Sepp goes to his office and sits down at his desk and reads the fax.

SEPP: Fucking Tevez again? I'm not getting into this one.

Sepp presses the intercom button.

SEPP: Jayne, this fax, can you forward it to legal thanks.

Jayne collects the fax and takes it to Legal.

JAYNE: Hi Steve, Sepp asked me to forward this to you.

STEVE: That's not.....is it?

JAYNE: I'm afraid so.

Jayne leaves.

ROBERT: What? What is it?

STEVE: It's that f-ucking Tevez affair again.

ROBERT: The bastard's passed it onto us again?

STEVE: Looks like.

ROBERT: Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Send it over to CAS, I can't be bothered dealing with this.

-----later-----

SCENE: Court Of Arbitration For Sport meeting room.

ROGER: I've called this emergency meeting in hopes to avoid what we've all being fearing. I have recieved word that the Carlos Tevez affair is making its way up the ranks. FIFA currently have the case and as you all know, being the highest authority in world sports, if it reaches here we have no other organisation to pass it on to and we have to resolve the matter ourselves. Now Paula, has Code Red been implemented yet?

PAULA: Yes Sir. The fax machines have been turned off and phone lines disconnected; all doors and windows have been locked and blinds closed; all lights have been turned off; and all staff vehicles have been transferred to underground parking and sealed.

ROGER: Good. Has everyone turned off all mobiles? Get them out and double check and if not, do so now. Does anyone have any questions?

Carl slowly raises his hand.

ROGER: Yes Carl?

CARL: Ummm....... Has anyone seen the new guy Steve?

ROGER: We have a new guy?

Rogers expression turns to pure terror as though an army of N--kelfaces has just burst into the room.

ROGER: Has..... Has he been briefed on Code Red yet?

-----outside-----

A postman is knocking on the seemingly abandoned building's door.

POSTMAN: Damn, where is everyone? I was given implicit instructions to make sure someone takes delivery of these documents.

Just then the door unlocks and someone opens it.

STEVE: Hi, sorry about that, I don't know why it was locked.

POSTMAN: No wories, I'm just glad someone answered. Sign here.....

20th July 2007

SKY DITCHES STRUGGLING SHOW

FX, now trying to show itself as a serious channel after the success of Dexter and NCIS, have decided to sign up the rights of some of the best TV shows around. Amongst it's massive aquisition spree are the likes of Family Guy, Buffy, 24, The Wire and many new series from the states. It appears however that Sky have managed to slip in the rights to Nip/Tuck while FX wasn't looking. A spokesman from Sky, Steve Redford, said "We pride ourselves on having the best and most innovative shows around. Nip/Tuck was a masive aquisition for us back when it started with its edgy storylines and shocking twists. The first three season being particularly good but like most shows it hit its heights with season 3 and hasn't recovered as witnessed by the very poor storytelling in season 4. We felt this was the right time to ditch the series but we knew it would be hard to get rid of it then FX started buying everything up and we saw an opportunity to slip it in un-noticed (that's what I said - ED) and we now have a couple of new directives set up at Sky thanks to Nip/Tuck. 1. No wanky singing in shows. and 2. No wanky future episodes."

9th February 2007

Try A Different Job Day

Late last night in London, firefighter Richards discovered a fire breaking out in the millenium dome as he was passing. Thinking quickly he got the attention of a passing Pizza Delivery guy and bravely got him to deal with the fire. Unfortunately, Steve Collingsworth, 36, died during the blaze. An inquest has initally ruled that the main cause for his death is that he was inappropriately equipped to fight the fire having only a 500ml bottle of water instead of the required 1ltr bottle.

Also yesterday in Paris, upon spotting a water leak, the quick thinking plumber promptly phoned the butchers to come fix the leak. After 6 hours of work the only damage was 3 dead cats, 1 person with an infected foot and structural and water damage to many of the business near the leak. Steve, the plumber was later thanked by the mayor for his quick actions and it's just a shame that this happened on National Try A Different Job day and could do nothing about it himself.

And just coming in over the radio, we have news that Anna Nicole Smith has died last night. Her bodyguard could not bring her back to life with CPR after her nurse discovered her body in her hotel room.

The world national holiday council is now re-thinking about wether to have this holiday again. Unfortunately the meeting started last night and a team of flamingos are flapping over it as we speak.

The River Ripper

RE: The River Ripper News Report On Radio 1



....and the chief inspector on the case has this message for the killer.

INSPECTOR: If the killer would like to get in touch with us, we have trained police officers ready to take your call.

-----cut to training school-----

LECTURER: Welcome to the taking phone calls training course

We'll start off with Steve here demonstrating how not to answer a phone call.

A phone on the desk starts ringing.

STEVE: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?

LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Paul?

PAUL: He was just speaking at the phone, you need to pick it up first.

LECTURER: Do you care to demonstrate this to the class Paul?

PAUL: Sure.

Paul gets up and the phone starts ringing again. Paul picks up the phone.

PAUL: Hello?........hello, is anyone there?........hello?

LECTURER: Now can anyone tell me what Steve was doing wrong there?.........Yes Robert?

ROBERT: He picked up the whole phone, you only need to pick the reciever bit up.

LECTURER: Why don't you come to the front and demonstrate?

The phone rings and Robert picks up the reciever.

ROBERT: Hello?......Hold on, I'll just get him for you.

Robert passes the phone reciever to the lecturer who puts it back on the phone base.

LECTURER: Well done Robert. That class is how you answer a phone. Tomorrow we'll look at the more complicated procedure of pressing a call accept button to answer a call.

31st October 2006

Mischievous Night

"As halloween has come around again, that means the nasties have come out again, and I don't mean the ghouls and ghosts, I'm talking about teenage yobs. For many teenagers, last night, known as mischievous night, is a chance for a bit of a laugh for them playing silly little pranks. Unfortunately today's youths don't seem to grasp this concept and have taken it too far and to dangerous and violent levels causing all kinds of damage. Yesterday I went to Liverpool to find out more about this and talked to various youths about their plans for the night. One youth said we're going to throw stones and bricks. Another saying they're going round smashing bus windows and things for a laugh. More tales like this came from various other youths of wanton destruction and last night there were 58 arrests in Liverpool alone. Calls have been made to put an end to Halloween and Mischievous night. I have with me now Police Officer Steven Ramsbottom. Steven, is it true there were 58 arrests last night?"
"Yes, that is correct"
"And what were those arrests for? Were they all for destruction of property and kids getting carried away?"
"Mostly yes. 57 were actually teenagers causing bother and one for drink driving"
"57? That is an extremely high number for one city, they must have caused thousands of pounds of damage between them. Do you agree with calls for putting an end to Halloween and in particular Mischievous night?"
"Now why would there be any need for that?"
"What about all the destruction they caused last night? Is that not reason enough?"
"This is Liverpool, that was a normal night for us."
"ummmm.....cut"


(there actually were 57 arrests)

29th September 2006

HEALTHY EATING INITATIVE

Reports have come in today that the Government's new healty eating initiative is starting to work. The iniative's spokesperson gave us a follow up statement to yesterday's report. "Today we have saved the future of at least 2 teenagers health that were intending to eat at McDonalds for dinner. Hopefully the rest of the people in the restaurant takes on board what they saw and will stop going to McDonalds in future." With good news like this, hopefully the youth of today can saved before it's too late. Unfortunately we can't get a comment from one of the teenagers that have been saved from the unhealthy lifestyle as he is in a medicated state at the minute and unable to speak but his friend with him at the time had this to say. "We were just queuing up for a McDonalds when someone ran in with a gun and shot me in the arm and my friend in the chest then ran away again".

28th September 2006

Healthy Eating Initative

The Government has yesterday announced it is to be putting into motion it's new initiative to help curb the growing problem of obesity in England. They are growing concerned with the increasing number of children eating less healthy food and more unhealthy foods like Chips and Burgers. A spokesperson for the new initiative said "Jamie Oliver has done a lot to raise the awareness of this in schools but unfortunately the fact is that children are turning their noses up at health school dinners and are seeking their own dinner in town from places like McDonalds. We are hoping our new measures will make children think twice before going to places like McDonalds for their dinner in future"

10th May 2006

David Blaine has shown himself many a time to the be greatest Gav in the world. Or he's trying to prove he is by becoming the greatest person ever at standing around and doing nothing. He's stood at the top of a pole doing nothing. Stood in a block of ice doing nothing. Then he couldn't be bothered even standing around doing nothing so he sat in a box doing nothing. Sitting was obviously too much of an effort now he's taken to floating in water doing nothing.

With this he has proved himself the greatest at doing nothing. What can be next? Obviously proving himself the greatest living person at doing less than nothing. How can he do that? By floating in water and not only doing nothing, but not even breathing. The only step after that is death. Maybe that was the plan all along? Look at the facts above, it make sense.


STEROTYPE TIME
(Who doesn't like stereotypes? They're funny)

The difference between America and Britain?

In America : Oh my god, he's so wonderfull, he's an inspiration to us all.

In Britain : Idiot.

24th January 2006

DRINK DRIVING

Almost half of young motorists in Britain will drive this year knowing they are over the alcohol limit. The research by motorway service operator Moto, showed young motorists are twice as likely to drive drunk this Christmas than the young adults of their parents generation. The survey also has revealed that 6 in 10 young men confess to knowingly driving drunk and 3 in 10 for the women. This obviously leads to questioning the rest who don't know they are driving drunk. When a young adult, Steve Ramsbottom, 25, was asked about his drink driving the night before he had this to say. "I wasn't drink driving last night. I went out in my car at the start of the night, but as I can't remember getting back home and drink driving, it obviously didn't happen".
Reporter: G. Drury


PIGEON FARCE

A group of pigeons have attacked 10 downing street over plans to ban then from Trafalgar square. The pigeons dropped large stones on the house and the street smashing several car and house windows The Pigeons painted the RAF bull's-eye on their wings in attempt to disrupt a cabinet meeting. Several of the pigeons were caught by police throwing bread crumbs on the pavement. The leader of the pigeons 'Percy' stated it was time the government listened to the little people and not just big business. The group 'fathers for justice" revealed they had the same idea but had sold it to the pigeons.
Reporter: M. Gosling


WOMBLE MANIA

The Wombles of Wimbledon common have announced that they are running in this years general election. The Womble party will represent every thing clean in the world with a message to recycle waste into usable products. The leader and possible next prime minister Great Uncle Bulgaria will be touring the country gathering support for the party. The London mayor Ken Livingston joined the party immediately.
Reporter: M. Gosling

10th January 2006

NEW MONEY

The bank of England today announced a new money note. The £3.33 bank note will be released at the end of this month. The new note depicts the actual moment Robin Hood was captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham while hiding in the great oak tree in Sherwood forest. The picture shows it was a warm June evening with a distinctly orange sunset on what was an obviously windy day. The Queens head is of course on the other side looking grim, this is to represent the monarchs feelings over her sons recent marriage. The note is oval in shape and the size of a current 50 pence coin.Reporter: M. Gosling


KEVIN Vs RIDLEY

Hollywood announced that a film on the life and times of William Shatner was finally finished last week. The film that took over 3 years to complete was directed by Kevin Costner and edited by Ridley Scott. The film that was originally 13 days long when Costner had finished and was edited down to just 2 minutes by Scott. The pair fought over the length of the film for several months. The epic battle on the films length is now to be turned into a short film which will be only 3 minuets long. Production on the film will start this week. Samuel L Jackson turned down a major role in the 3 minuet film stating that his part would be too long.
Reporter: M. Gosling


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5th January 2006

FROM THE LOST ARCHIVES

Here's a special interview with little-known Buffy/Angel/Firefly writer/producer/director (and Joss Whedon confidante), David "Boom Boom" Stanley.
(Source: SFX Magazine Nov 2005)

1. How are you? So very sleepy. I've been up all night with Joss making a Wonder Woman costume. He says he wants to "save the company money".
2. Where are you right now? In Joss' garage. Dressed as Wonder Woman. Joss is making me do action poses and taking pictures. Sometimes I hate my job.
3. What are you doing for the rest of today? I have to meet Steven S. DeKnight to discuss why Dawn was a bad idea and hypothesize how to write her out of history.
4. What's your favorite British show? Me and Jeffrey Bell are currently working on an English version of Sealab 2021. If it happens that will be my favorite show.
5. What's your favorite British swear word? C**t. It's horrible when Americans say it, but oddly endearing with a British accent. "C**t!". See?
6. Are you running out of ambitions? There are many things I want to do yet. Like re-write the Star Wars prequels, star in my own solo West End show and invent a new type of food. So, no.
7. Which is your favorite Western? Is that a trick question?.
8. Which is your favorite science fiction movie? Dude, where's my Car?
9. Which is your favorite musical? Mary Poppins. I still chimney sweep on the side because of that movie.
10. Who is your favorite James Bond? Me. And Moore.
11. Who is your favorite Doctor Who? Baker. And me.
12. Who's your favorite other person called David? Boreanaz. I sometimes pretend he's my dad.
13. When were you drunk last? I'm drunk now. And always will be.
14. Superman or Spiderman? Spidey. Supes is a prick.
15. Beatles or Stones? Beatles.
16. Will there be any more of Buffy? Joss wants to do some, but me and Steven S. DeKnight won't let him until he rectifies his Dawn mistake.
17. Will there be any more of Angel? There should have been a sixth season, but Joss wanted to bring over Dawn, so me and Steven S. DeKnight locked him in his cellar and told the network we wouldn't be doing any more.
18. Will there be any more of Firefly? We actually filmed 10 more episodes, but Joss didn't like the new character I introduced (played by me) so he scrapped them. The git. He was a good character too. His name was Chad and he had some rather interesting questions for Book...
19. Who did you take to the prom? Billie Piper. Then I remembered we don't have proms in England so me and Billie just sat in the empty sports hall drinking tea.
20. Are you spreading yourself too thinly, and is this a good thing? Yes, no, maybe. What?
21. What's your favorite biological function? Peeing is very inconvenient and you have to do it too much. But who doesn't love a good crap? I once went seven times in one day... (Aren’t you glad real life doesn't have flashbacks?)
22. Who is your hero? The Granddad from "Bread".
23. What would you do if all your shows ended tomorrow? Phone Joss and ask him what I should do with my life now. Then phone Steven S. DeKnight.
24. Which show do you enjoy writing the most? I wrote an episode of Golden Girls once, which I really enjoyed. It got axed. Apparently, they didn't like my new character (which I played). His name was Chad and he had questions for Bea...
25. Which show do you enjoy directing the most? See above.
26. Which actor gives you the most backtalk? Glenn Quinn. Well, he did until I accidentally...er, never mind.
27. Which writer never agrees with you? Joss. That's why his shows keep getting cancelled.
28. Which movie would you loved to have written? Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
29. Which movie do you regret having any involvement in? Alien Resurrection.
30. How many hours of sleep do you get at night? 12-15
31. What's the most irritating question someone has have ever asked you? When did you last see Glenn Quinn, sir?
32. Which book would you recommend everybody should read? The Marvel Superhero Omnibus 1986.
33. Who is the most overlooked person on television? Me.
34. Who should be the most overlooked person on television? Joss Whedon.
35. Kirk or Picard? Picard. Kirk was a reckless idiot who kept endangering his crew. And he fancied Spock. And he was played by William Shatner. Case closed.
36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? In Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe.
37. Has anyone ever come up to you and said "I loved you in The Shawshank Redemption?" Yes.
38. What's the worst part of making a television show? Cleaning Joss' shoes every morning.
39. And what's the best? Paper fights with Steven S. DeKnight.
40. What's the worst line of dialogue you've ever written? According to Joss it's, "Hello, my name is Chad (pause) and I have questions for you, "Book"..."
41. And what's the best? Wash: "It's simple, Mal. These three switches mean (Flicking them as he goes) Ready..set...GO!" (It was cut)
42. Is the character of Wash in Firefly based on you? Yes.
43. Would you do Faith the Vampire Slayer if Eliza Dushku would commit to it? Absolutely. But Joss won't let me. He's still angry about that sex scene I wrote for her in Buffy involving Faith, Buffy and Chad (Played by me). It was cut. Besides, Eliza refuses to work with me after my "muff" remark last year. I can't talk about it for legal reasons.
44. Does it worry you that Spike is such a popular character--he's evil! So am I.
45. If you could do a crossover episode of Buffy, Angel, or Firefly with any other show, what would it be? Sealab. The English version.
46. What do you think of fan fiction: flattering or embarrassing? A bit of both. Like my work (according to Joss)
47. For budgetary reasons, you have to do a "clip" episode of Angel. How would you make it different from the norm? It would only be the clips of Wesley falling over.
48. What was your nickname in school? "Odd shoes"
49. If they did Buffy Big Brother, who would win? Chad
50. Is Hamlet mad? How the f**k should I know?
51. Do you see the influence of Buffy on other shows (i.e., Smallville)? Not Buffy's influence - Mine
52. Can I show you my script? No. If Joss doesn't look at mine, I won't look at yours. (Wow. THIS is what power feels like)
53. Who are the best people to hang out with--actors, writers, producers,
or directors? I do all three and nobody hangs with me (Apart from Steven S. DeKnight, but he doesn't count)
54. How good are you in a fight? I once made Steven S. DeKnight cry by flicking his eyes. Does that answer your question?
55. How many times have you been asked if you believe in vampires? 125. I always say yes before running off screaming, “The sun! It burns! IT BURNS!!”
56. What's the best dessert in the world? Sahara
57. Can you tell us a joke? Don petrie.
58. Do you feel Saddam Hussein might become a better person if he watched Buffy? He’s already a big fan. In fact, he asked if he could do a cameo once and we said yes. He’s the singing demon in “Once More…With Feeling”.
59. What's the record that changed your life? Most people in a Mini.
60. When was the last time you felt wide awake? 1982
61. What's the best time of day. Just before Dawn. Just like my favorite Buffy episodes,
62. Did you have any input in the very last episode of Buffy? Joss asked me what would make the last episode memorable. I thought about it and then said, “Batman!”. He stifled some laughter and then left the room with tears rolling down his cheeks.
63. Given a choice, would you be a vampire and live forever? I’m already going to live forever. I’m an immortal. The film Highlander was based on me.
64. When Angel started, were any of the characters going to end up on Angel other than Cordy and Wesley? I proposed to Joss that we take Buffy’s mom over to be Angel’s new love interest. He threw his coffee over me. He has now done it every morning since to “discipline my mind”.
65. Do you think that the series would stand more chance at the Emmys with a different name? Yes. “Faith the Vampire Slayer”. Or “Chad – The Alcohol Years”
66. What scares you? My talent.
67. How did you vote in the last election? I went into a little booth and put a cross next to some guys name.
68. Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf? Should I be? Do I owe her money?
69. Which was your favorite Golden Girl character? Chad.
70. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was shit.
71. What story will you never tell on Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Anything to do with poofs.
72. What are your pets called? Spike, Faith, Steven S. DeKnight and Chad.
73. How long will we have to wait for Ripper? Me and Steven S. DeKnight have already outlined a plot for the pilot. It revolves around Giles trying to find the ghost of Richard Whiteley. Joss as yet to give it the green light.
74. Do you believe in God? Every time I look in the mirror.
75. Would John Wayne have been out of place in Firefly? If episode 16 had been made, that question would have been answered.
76. Have you played the Buffy computer game? No. Everyone knows it’s shit.
77. How big is your television? I don’t have one. Steven S. DeKnight decided that we should throw out our TVs to escape the influence of the “Network poison” as this would help us come up with truly original ideas. He has since written three episodes of a show about devil robots and I have spent four months writing a movie called “Chad Begins”. So it’s clearly worked a treat!
78. Have you ever broken the law? Only when I accidentally killed Gle…no.
79. Which car do you drive? Mine.
80. Were you at Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding? Yes. Me and Steven S. DeKnight went dressed as Shaggy and Scooby Doo. We weren’t popular.
81. Would you eat at Doublemeat Palace? Are you questioning my sexuality?
82. Has anyone ever mentioned that the Serenity looks a bit like a plucked parrot? I designed the ship after accidentally walking in on Joss in the shower.
83. Which is your favorite member of The Magnificent Seven? Bashful.
84. Which show does your wife prefer, Buffy, Angel, or Firefly? Or won't she tell you? I wish people would stop calling Steven S. DeKnight my wife.
85. Which show on U.S. TV at the moment do you love ... other than your own? Seeing as I don’t have a TV, I don’t have any favorite shows. Me and Steven S. DeKnight entertain ourselves by looking out of the window and doing the voices for people who walk past.
86. Who let the dogs out? I honestly don’t know what some of these questions mean.
87. How many series do you think you could run at once without exploding? We actually had a meeting about this once. Joss concluded that he could do no more than two, so me and Steven S. DeKnight laughed and called him a sissy. He slapped us both and fined us our clothes.
88. Can you speak Chinese? I fail to see the point unless I plan to go to China. Which I won’t. Cos it’s shit.
89. Can you ride a horse? Are you asking me, or in general? If it’s the latter then yes. If the former then no.
90. If you could write a song for any artist, who would you choose? I have just wrote a few songs for the new Katie Melua album. It took me ages to count those f**king bicycles.
91. Would YOU have survived Sunnydale High? Yes. I would have wrote myself as the hero.
92. What's the thing you're proudest of in this world? A jacket I got from Matalan.
93. What makes you happy? Cocaine
94. What makes you sad? The Matrix.
95. Do you find Benny Hill funny? Yes. I often walked very quickly, singing the theme tune, on the set of Angel. Sometimes during takes. David Boreanaz thought it was hilarious. I walked into a door once while doing it and he pissed himself laughing.
96. Who put the bob in the bob sh-bop? What the fuck are you on about?
97. Having worked in America, can you justify Twinkies to everyone in the UK? No. It’s like us justifying Jeremy Irons.
98. SFX is 100 issues old. Where do you want to be when you're 100? Dancing on Joss’ grave while holding an Oscar in each hand. Or Blackpool.
99. Does the Internet ever scare you? Only when I type “Sweaty Joss” into google.
100. Are you pleased this questionnaire is over? No. It’s the most work I’ve done in five years.

27th December 2005

INMATE PRISON SCAMS

Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furious that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".
Reporter: G. Drury.

WENGER WAX

A terrible mix up has occurred at Madam Tussauds in London. The Arsenal manager Arsene Wengre wax work was taken home by the club instead of the Frenchman when he was showing it to the press. The wax work has now been managing the club for the last three months. Assistant manger Pat Rice stated that the team seemed to respond better over the last few months to the managers words of wisdom. The wax work which won the manger of the Month in February is now been linked to major clubs across Europe.
Reported by: M. Gosling


WORLD NEWS

It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.
Reporter: M. Gosling

19th December 2005

RAINBOW OUT

Reporter: M. Gosling
Former Rainbow presenter Bungle Bugs announced to the world yesterday that he is Gay. The presenter who is currently working on a ADULT DVD with Rod, Jane and Freddie called "Rodding Jane & Freddie" made the announcement on a local radio station program. It comes in a long line of shock revelations about the former cast of the hit children's series. Zippy is now a recovering alcoholic and George is set for a colour change operation. Meanwhile since Geoffrey's London play titled "Silly Billy" got poor reviews from critics the Rainbow front man is now set to play the Mitchell's 'other' brother in East Enders



MOSES V's SANTA

Reporter: M. Gosling
Father Christmas today announced that he is to take on Moses in ITV1 celebrity Wrestling. Clause is angry over the Fact that Moses looks like him. Santa states that he was the first to have white hair, a beard and a red gown. He went on to sate that he does not believe in the story of Moses and its based on total fiction. Santa did try suing the holder of the ten commandments however Lapland law prevents him from doing so. Moses who accepted the offer declined to comment, his lawyer stated that he is currently working on his next book "the next 10 commandments".



RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER

Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.

14th December 2005

One of my first ever entries of T.W.A.T.S. that never made publication:-

GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES

It appears as though there are certain people out there that do not want to see T.W.A.T.S. published. They would rather the truth not get out about certain things. The Government, with it's control of the media couldn't allow a unofficial, uncontrolled news source to circulate, telling the world what is really happening and not just what the Government allows you to think is hapening. The first issue was due to be published about 2000hrs on Sunday night but the powers that be stepped in to put an end to that. Some sort of "bomb" was sent through my broadband connection at around 1930hrs which casued my computer to restart several times in quick succession and now will not re-start at all leaving the first issue unaccesable. As soon as my P.C is repaired, I can garentee i will be bringing this to the world. No Government can stop me.

26th May 2005

MUTANT CHILDREN LIVING IN RUSSIA

Reported by: Various Contributers
THE Chernobyl nuclear disaster has spawned a generation of 'mutant' super-brainy children.
Kids growing up in areas damaged by radiation from the plant have a higher IQ and faster reaction times, say Russian doctors.
They are also growing faster and have stronger immune systems.
Radiation from the Ukrainian Chernobyl plant swept the globe and affected more than seven million people.
Professor Vladimir Mikhalev from Bryansk State University, has tracked the health of youngsters growing up in areas hit by the fallout since the 1986 accident.
He compared their mental agility and health to those in unaffected areas and found they came out top in tests.
The kids had been exposed to radiation in the atmosphere and their food supply.
Scientists have now been given a grant to further research into this.

20th May 2005

FUNDING REFUSED FOR RDSU

Reporter: G. Drury
Yesterday, the Russian Doctors and Scientists Union (RDSU) were fuming that requests for extra funding was declined by the Governemt. At a press conference, it was revealed that the Governments desciosion was based upon the lack of any progress over the last five years by Scientists. There were also no projects in the pipeline that was worthy of extra funding. "They simply don't deserve it". Steve, a spokesperson for the RDSU, siad "This is ridiculous. We have worked very hard and can't get anything done without funding. We're paying for microscopes out of our own pocket. We deserve this extra funding and I'll be damned if we don't get it".