HE MAN SHOCK!!!
Reporter: M. Gosling
Anorexic groups yesterday condemned he-man after his public comments about Skeletor. He-Man who was doing a live phone-in on the Today program made a comment about his nemesis' boney complexion and poor eating habits. It comes as yet another blow for the Prince. Who was found to be taking steroids to build himself up more for the up coming Master of the Universe Games in September. He-Man is also in trouble by the RSPCA for keeping a rare green tiger without a license.
LIFE ON MARS
Reporter: M. Gosling.
NASA yesterday confirmed that they had received an electronic signal from the red planet. The signal, which was in the form of a letter, was official notice that Mars intends to sue Hollywood for mis-representation. The Letter stated that at no time has Mars invaded, visited, hurled objects at the Earth. Furthermore Marians look nothing like the ones portrayed by Hollywood over the years.
MONKEY MADNESS
Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government have announced that the cabinet is to have a two week Holiday. The Government will be replaced by a set of trained Monkeys. The Monkeys will run the country and make any decisions they feel fit in the time they have power. The entire cabinet have been criticised for this decision to go on holiday for two weeks especially with it co-inciding with the two week visit of the American President George W Bush. The head monkey "BILLY" will take the role of Prime Minister. The American press have covered the situation on American television and have interviewed a spokes person for the white house. The Spokes person stated that the president was looking forward to his visited especially to open communications with the new prime minister. A insider for the white house also stated that Mr Bush was looking forward to finally having a World leader on his level of intelligence and communication.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
25th April 2005
REDKNAPP RELEGATION SHOCKER!
Reporter: G. Drury
It was shockingly revealed last night by one of Portsmouth's cleaners, Steve, that secret vegetarian, Harry Redknapp, never had any intention of keeping Southampton out of relegation. He went on to reveal that Harry actually hates Southampton with a passion and only took the job as manager to make sure they go down. It is believed that he came up with this plan 3 years ago and is going to quit his management career at the end of the season when he has got them relegated and finish his career on a high. After a bit of digging around we can reveal that Harry Redknapp dislikes Southampton so much because of his hatred of any team with meat products in their name after he was sacked by West HAM at the end of the 2000 / 2001 season. LIVERpool, birmingHAM, tottenHAM, and fulHAM are other teams he also would have liked to get relegated before his career was over but he decided that he would have a better chance with soutHAMpton.
WBO TO CHANGE BOXING
Reporter: G. Drury
Over the weekend, WBO announced changes to the way in which their Championship Titles were won and lost.Their Heavyweight titles is now won by causing your opponent to bleed in "first blood" matches. The Lightweight title will now change hands by "beating the buzzer". This involves each boxer to wear a special buzzer that is strapped to their sides and the winner being the boxer who punches his opponents buzzer. The Welterweight title will now be won simply by wearing it and will be under 24/7 rules meaning it can be won at any time day or night and the holder being the last person to wear it. All other titles will remain the same.
GIRLS ALOUD SPLIT?
Reporter: D. Stanley
Nadine Coyle from pop group Girls Aloud has announced today that her legs are leaving the band. Speculation has been rife over such a split ever since it became evident that Nadine's legs had become far and away the most popular member of the group. A spokesperson speaking on behalf of Nadine's legs read to waiting reporters, "It is my sad duty to reveal that the rumours are indeed true and that I am leaving Girls Aloud. I have had a great two years with the girls but now I think it is time to branch out on my own. I look forward to seeing you on stage sometime in the near future".
Nadine's legs releases her new single, a cover of Stairway To Heaven, next month. Nadine's legs' album is believed to be going to be called, "We Need To Be Apart".
ANYONE FOR CRICKET? THOUGHT NOT.
Reporter: M. Gosling
The world was saddened today by news that the Cricket season starts soon. The game which can last for days has bored people now for ages. The world Cricket council have now openly acknowledged the boredom factor within the game and have come up with a number of changes. The changes are to be phased in over the next few seasons and will hopefully increase to the viewing audience in the UK that currently stands at 6. A few ideas on the table include an Explosive ball. The ball will have a small amount of explosive put inside it and a timer attached to it around the rim of the ball. The umpire will randomly set the timer and the ball will obviously go off at anytime during the game. This will be another way that a player can be out!. Other ideas include a 5 minute fight where all the players are able to fight with each other and weaken the other team. All the ideas are still in working progress.
Reporter: G. Drury
It was shockingly revealed last night by one of Portsmouth's cleaners, Steve, that secret vegetarian, Harry Redknapp, never had any intention of keeping Southampton out of relegation. He went on to reveal that Harry actually hates Southampton with a passion and only took the job as manager to make sure they go down. It is believed that he came up with this plan 3 years ago and is going to quit his management career at the end of the season when he has got them relegated and finish his career on a high. After a bit of digging around we can reveal that Harry Redknapp dislikes Southampton so much because of his hatred of any team with meat products in their name after he was sacked by West HAM at the end of the 2000 / 2001 season. LIVERpool, birmingHAM, tottenHAM, and fulHAM are other teams he also would have liked to get relegated before his career was over but he decided that he would have a better chance with soutHAMpton.
WBO TO CHANGE BOXING
Reporter: G. Drury
Over the weekend, WBO announced changes to the way in which their Championship Titles were won and lost.Their Heavyweight titles is now won by causing your opponent to bleed in "first blood" matches. The Lightweight title will now change hands by "beating the buzzer". This involves each boxer to wear a special buzzer that is strapped to their sides and the winner being the boxer who punches his opponents buzzer. The Welterweight title will now be won simply by wearing it and will be under 24/7 rules meaning it can be won at any time day or night and the holder being the last person to wear it. All other titles will remain the same.
GIRLS ALOUD SPLIT?
Reporter: D. Stanley
Nadine Coyle from pop group Girls Aloud has announced today that her legs are leaving the band. Speculation has been rife over such a split ever since it became evident that Nadine's legs had become far and away the most popular member of the group. A spokesperson speaking on behalf of Nadine's legs read to waiting reporters, "It is my sad duty to reveal that the rumours are indeed true and that I am leaving Girls Aloud. I have had a great two years with the girls but now I think it is time to branch out on my own. I look forward to seeing you on stage sometime in the near future".
Nadine's legs releases her new single, a cover of Stairway To Heaven, next month. Nadine's legs' album is believed to be going to be called, "We Need To Be Apart".
ANYONE FOR CRICKET? THOUGHT NOT.
Reporter: M. Gosling
The world was saddened today by news that the Cricket season starts soon. The game which can last for days has bored people now for ages. The world Cricket council have now openly acknowledged the boredom factor within the game and have come up with a number of changes. The changes are to be phased in over the next few seasons and will hopefully increase to the viewing audience in the UK that currently stands at 6. A few ideas on the table include an Explosive ball. The ball will have a small amount of explosive put inside it and a timer attached to it around the rim of the ball. The umpire will randomly set the timer and the ball will obviously go off at anytime during the game. This will be another way that a player can be out!. Other ideas include a 5 minute fight where all the players are able to fight with each other and weaken the other team. All the ideas are still in working progress.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
BATMAN QUITS!!
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: M. Gosling
Gotham City Council last night announced that Batman had left in a dispute over pay. The Caped Crusader had being defending the city for the past few years walked out of pay talks with the council. The Council will advertise the position in next Fridays Gotham City Times. The advert will read.
Super Hero Required
Super Hero Needed to defend City against crime. At least one super power would be preferred. City will provide calling signal and red phone. Applicant must provide costume, Vehicles and Equipment. No previous experience required. Contact Commissioner Gordon on Gotham 07585785
A spokesman for the Council confirmed that they had been in touch with the X-MEN of the possible position if Batman walked. Negations broke down however when professor Xavier kept reading the Council members minds.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Gotham City Council last night announced that Batman had left in a dispute over pay. The Caped Crusader had being defending the city for the past few years walked out of pay talks with the council. The Council will advertise the position in next Fridays Gotham City Times. The advert will read.
Super Hero Required
Super Hero Needed to defend City against crime. At least one super power would be preferred. City will provide calling signal and red phone. Applicant must provide costume, Vehicles and Equipment. No previous experience required. Contact Commissioner Gordon on Gotham 07585785
A spokesman for the Council confirmed that they had been in touch with the X-MEN of the possible position if Batman walked. Negations broke down however when professor Xavier kept reading the Council members minds.
FORMER WWE WRESTLER EXPLODES
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: D. Stanley
Former WWE wrestler Scott Steiner exploded yesterday in a crowded gym. The ex-WCW champion was said to be attempting to benchpress 4000lbs at the time of his death, and experts have attributed this to the cause of his demise. "The pressure on the muscles would have been impossible to imagine," said professor Hopkins from the Muscle and Eyes deptartment of Cambridge University, "and it obviouslly caused his entire organic structure to suddenly explode".
Tributes have since been pouring in since Steiner's death. The Undertaker, Mark Calloway, said, "He was a shit wrestler, but a great man". Shawn Michaels, HBK, stated that he, "Loved him like a retarded sister", and former Intercontinental Champion, The Honky Tonk Man said, "I won a bet with him once and when he couldn't pay up I made him shag a chicken. Top bloke".
When asked if a special tribute would be made on Raw or Smackdown, Vince Mcmahon replied, "Who?".
Reporter: D. Stanley
Former WWE wrestler Scott Steiner exploded yesterday in a crowded gym. The ex-WCW champion was said to be attempting to benchpress 4000lbs at the time of his death, and experts have attributed this to the cause of his demise. "The pressure on the muscles would have been impossible to imagine," said professor Hopkins from the Muscle and Eyes deptartment of Cambridge University, "and it obviouslly caused his entire organic structure to suddenly explode".
Tributes have since been pouring in since Steiner's death. The Undertaker, Mark Calloway, said, "He was a shit wrestler, but a great man". Shawn Michaels, HBK, stated that he, "Loved him like a retarded sister", and former Intercontinental Champion, The Honky Tonk Man said, "I won a bet with him once and when he couldn't pay up I made him shag a chicken. Top bloke".
When asked if a special tribute would be made on Raw or Smackdown, Vince Mcmahon replied, "Who?".
TOM O'GONNER?
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: D. Stanley
The comedian Tom O’ Connor has been killed after a fight with fellow star Des O’ Connor. The scuffle broke out in a London Macdonald’s restaurant after Des claimed to have adopted the surname first. Des, 78, and Tom, 123, both gave themselves the last name when they started their careers in the 1920’s, and a feud immediately began between the pair. They put their differences to one side, however, during the war effort, and had remained good friends up until last night’s fight. A witness said, “Tom just suddenly went ape-s**t and started laying into poor old Des, who tried to defend himself by holding up his new-born baby”. Des soon retaliated, though, and soon a full-blown fist-fight had erupted. Tom is said to have died from “Repeated blows to the funny-bone” and will be buried on Saturday. Des will not attend. The Police are considering arresting him, “When they have time”.
Reporter: D. Stanley
The comedian Tom O’ Connor has been killed after a fight with fellow star Des O’ Connor. The scuffle broke out in a London Macdonald’s restaurant after Des claimed to have adopted the surname first. Des, 78, and Tom, 123, both gave themselves the last name when they started their careers in the 1920’s, and a feud immediately began between the pair. They put their differences to one side, however, during the war effort, and had remained good friends up until last night’s fight. A witness said, “Tom just suddenly went ape-s**t and started laying into poor old Des, who tried to defend himself by holding up his new-born baby”. Des soon retaliated, though, and soon a full-blown fist-fight had erupted. Tom is said to have died from “Repeated blows to the funny-bone” and will be buried on Saturday. Des will not attend. The Police are considering arresting him, “When they have time”.
MAN JAILED FOR INCORRECTLY STARTING CAR
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: G. Drury
John McGivney, 64, has recently had a few problems starting his Chrysler in a morning.He turned to his friend Steve for help. Steve reportedly sold him a starters pistol and told him if he ever has any problems starting his motor again to just point it at the bonnet and fire the starter. John "McGullable" as he is known to his friends did just this and consequently is spending some time in jail.
Reporter: G. Drury
John McGivney, 64, has recently had a few problems starting his Chrysler in a morning.He turned to his friend Steve for help. Steve reportedly sold him a starters pistol and told him if he ever has any problems starting his motor again to just point it at the bonnet and fire the starter. John "McGullable" as he is known to his friends did just this and consequently is spending some time in jail.
CELEBRITY WAREHOUSES
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: M. Gosling
Linda Barker was today forced to only do one appearance at a time after her warehouse burnt to the ground today. The warehouse which contained a thousand Linda Barkers burned more quickly because the Barkers were built with cheap flammable settee foam. The fire brigade took over 3 hours to control the blaze. Linda Barker who will be doing over a million personal appearances and endorsements this year is said to be disappointed over the blaze. Carol Voderman categorically denied that she had anything to do with the blaze, the thought came after police admitted that since Barkers rise Voderman stock fell sharply. Carol Vorderman was an icon a couple of years ago she advertised everything and made loads of appearances. The Carol Vorderman warehouse closed at the beginning of the year. Ebay is full of Vodermans for sale to the highest bidder. Celebrity warehouses have become very popular with Celebes wanting to do as many endorsements and appearances as they can. Jeremy Beadle at one time commanded the biggest warehouse. The Two thumb seven and half figure presenter now owns a hundred Jeremy Beadles that he can do nothing with. The nation garden Nome society reportedly offered to take them off his hands.
Reporter: M. Gosling
Linda Barker was today forced to only do one appearance at a time after her warehouse burnt to the ground today. The warehouse which contained a thousand Linda Barkers burned more quickly because the Barkers were built with cheap flammable settee foam. The fire brigade took over 3 hours to control the blaze. Linda Barker who will be doing over a million personal appearances and endorsements this year is said to be disappointed over the blaze. Carol Voderman categorically denied that she had anything to do with the blaze, the thought came after police admitted that since Barkers rise Voderman stock fell sharply. Carol Vorderman was an icon a couple of years ago she advertised everything and made loads of appearances. The Carol Vorderman warehouse closed at the beginning of the year. Ebay is full of Vodermans for sale to the highest bidder. Celebrity warehouses have become very popular with Celebes wanting to do as many endorsements and appearances as they can. Jeremy Beadle at one time commanded the biggest warehouse. The Two thumb seven and half figure presenter now owns a hundred Jeremy Beadles that he can do nothing with. The nation garden Nome society reportedly offered to take them off his hands.
Friday, April 22, 2005
BUSH LANDING
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: M. Gosling
George W Bush announced to the world this morning that Aliens had landed on the earth and that that they had spoke to him in a primitive Language. He went on to say that they had set up a country and colonised land. They had developed tools and learned how to use horses and earth vehicles to get around The American president then left the stage with a peace gesture from his fingers towards the crowd. The Gathered media stood and applauded the President on his historic meeting with shouts, cheers and praise. Several minuets later a spokesperson for the white house announced that the President Had just come back from Mexico where he met the government and the people.
Reporter: M. Gosling
George W Bush announced to the world this morning that Aliens had landed on the earth and that that they had spoke to him in a primitive Language. He went on to say that they had set up a country and colonised land. They had developed tools and learned how to use horses and earth vehicles to get around The American president then left the stage with a peace gesture from his fingers towards the crowd. The Gathered media stood and applauded the President on his historic meeting with shouts, cheers and praise. Several minuets later a spokesperson for the white house announced that the President Had just come back from Mexico where he met the government and the people.
STAR OF DAVID HASSELHOFF
16th April - 22nd April
Reporter: D. Stanley
David Hasselhoff is a Jew. The ex-Baywatch star revealed his true religion in a press conference yesterday saying that he “could no longer keep it inside”. The Knight Foundation is said to be “Shocked and saddened” by the news. KITT refused to comment.
Reporter: D. Stanley
David Hasselhoff is a Jew. The ex-Baywatch star revealed his true religion in a press conference yesterday saying that he “could no longer keep it inside”. The Knight Foundation is said to be “Shocked and saddened” by the news. KITT refused to comment.
UK TO SPLIT?
16th APRIL - 22nd APRIL
Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government announced that in a United Kingdom shake up they are to sell Wales to the highest bidder. The country will go on the market in the next two weeks. Several "FOR SALE" signs will be placed along the boarder with England to help attract prospective buyers. The culture sectary Chris Clarke strongly denied this was a move to help make being English popular again. However Clarke who likes the odd drink was in a bar on Friday night with a top secret reporter working for us. After several pints of lager and Vodka chasers the secretary for state stated "Everyone and their mother claims that they are Welsh these days. An investigation was run by us to find stuff out you see. We found out that Tom Jones was actually from Bognor Regis for god sake. We also looked into a report of 'The Secret Welsh Society' this group try to convert English celebs and V.i.p's into becoming Welsh".
This disturbing information is why we here we believe that the Government plans to sell the country. The media is rife with who will exactly buy and rule the county. The major contended include the countries of Iran and Cuba and more surprisingly Peru. However a group of Welsh Celebs lead by former STEPS singer 'H' have announced that they are trying to come up with money. The group calling themselves 'Forever Welsh" are to try a number of ideas to raise funds without touching their own money. A single will be launched sung by the famous voices of Wales with "H" himself leading the group. The single called "Hello Boy 'o' will be released on Monday.
If successful the Celebes intend to form a Government voted by the people. Many rules will be introduced including a "being banned for not been properly Welsh" also ginger hair and everyone changing their surname to Jones will come into force.
Reporter: M. Gosling
The Government announced that in a United Kingdom shake up they are to sell Wales to the highest bidder. The country will go on the market in the next two weeks. Several "FOR SALE" signs will be placed along the boarder with England to help attract prospective buyers. The culture sectary Chris Clarke strongly denied this was a move to help make being English popular again. However Clarke who likes the odd drink was in a bar on Friday night with a top secret reporter working for us. After several pints of lager and Vodka chasers the secretary for state stated "Everyone and their mother claims that they are Welsh these days. An investigation was run by us to find stuff out you see. We found out that Tom Jones was actually from Bognor Regis for god sake. We also looked into a report of 'The Secret Welsh Society' this group try to convert English celebs and V.i.p's into becoming Welsh".
This disturbing information is why we here we believe that the Government plans to sell the country. The media is rife with who will exactly buy and rule the county. The major contended include the countries of Iran and Cuba and more surprisingly Peru. However a group of Welsh Celebs lead by former STEPS singer 'H' have announced that they are trying to come up with money. The group calling themselves 'Forever Welsh" are to try a number of ideas to raise funds without touching their own money. A single will be launched sung by the famous voices of Wales with "H" himself leading the group. The single called "Hello Boy 'o' will be released on Monday.
If successful the Celebes intend to form a Government voted by the people. Many rules will be introduced including a "being banned for not been properly Welsh" also ginger hair and everyone changing their surname to Jones will come into force.
POPE'S HIS CLOGS
8th April - 15th April
Reporter: D. Stanley
The pope’s body-double is to be buried today. The fake Pope was killed by Cardinals, just as tradition states, just seconds after the real Pope died. The Cardinals used a huge, iron cross dropped from a great height to kill the duplicate Pontiff, just as all the fake popes before him, and his remains were scooped up into a special holy bucket which bears the symbol of two Popes intertwined amid a question mark.
The fake Pope, real name Edward Wickerman, will be laid to rest in an exact replica of Saint Peter’s church in Rome’s sister city of Hull.
Reports of the fake Pope “Trying to leg it” as the Cardinals tried to kill him are “greatly exaggerated” said the church today.
Reporter: D. Stanley
The pope’s body-double is to be buried today. The fake Pope was killed by Cardinals, just as tradition states, just seconds after the real Pope died. The Cardinals used a huge, iron cross dropped from a great height to kill the duplicate Pontiff, just as all the fake popes before him, and his remains were scooped up into a special holy bucket which bears the symbol of two Popes intertwined amid a question mark.
The fake Pope, real name Edward Wickerman, will be laid to rest in an exact replica of Saint Peter’s church in Rome’s sister city of Hull.
Reports of the fake Pope “Trying to leg it” as the Cardinals tried to kill him are “greatly exaggerated” said the church today.
BRICKIES BAG THE BABES
16th APRIL - 22nd APRIL
Reporter: G. Drury.
After a flurry of complaints from the Brickies Workers Union that there were not enough women walking past building sites for them to whistle at, the Construction Industry Training Board (CITB) have come up with a solution - provide more women on-site. They are to spend £1 million getting rid of the "blokes, bums, and bricks" image of the current male builders and employ some local talent to stand around, look pretty, and be whistled at. Nicola Thompson, of the CITB (rumoured by Steve the Brickie to be a lesbian) said "The construction industry is missing out on much needed talent due to an out-dated image that's a reasl turn off for women." Steve the Brickie also added "Wahey, bring the talent round. I'm fed up of seeing Miss Old Bag walking past with her shopping trolley every day. Now we'll have something proper to gawp at instead of working."
Reporter: G. Drury.
After a flurry of complaints from the Brickies Workers Union that there were not enough women walking past building sites for them to whistle at, the Construction Industry Training Board (CITB) have come up with a solution - provide more women on-site. They are to spend £1 million getting rid of the "blokes, bums, and bricks" image of the current male builders and employ some local talent to stand around, look pretty, and be whistled at. Nicola Thompson, of the CITB (rumoured by Steve the Brickie to be a lesbian) said "The construction industry is missing out on much needed talent due to an out-dated image that's a reasl turn off for women." Steve the Brickie also added "Wahey, bring the talent round. I'm fed up of seeing Miss Old Bag walking past with her shopping trolley every day. Now we'll have something proper to gawp at instead of working."
C.S.A. TO BRANCH OUT
16th APRIL - 22nd APRIL
Reporter: G. Drury
The C.S.A. (Child Support Agency) has recently announced it's plans to branch out into other areas. The most recent venture has been to venture into the medical world. The C.S.A.'s first course of action was to inform someone of their parental status. They informed a Stephan Davis that he is a father of a five month old baby. Stephen is reported to be a virgin at present and can't imagine how the C.S.A. could come up with this. A C.S.A. spokeswoman very helpfully said "sometimes mistakes happen". Stephan's friend Steve is reported to have said "They are obviously no better at this than they are providing Child Support. Maybe they should give micro-bio-technology development a try next."
Reporter: G. Drury
The C.S.A. (Child Support Agency) has recently announced it's plans to branch out into other areas. The most recent venture has been to venture into the medical world. The C.S.A.'s first course of action was to inform someone of their parental status. They informed a Stephan Davis that he is a father of a five month old baby. Stephen is reported to be a virgin at present and can't imagine how the C.S.A. could come up with this. A C.S.A. spokeswoman very helpfully said "sometimes mistakes happen". Stephan's friend Steve is reported to have said "They are obviously no better at this than they are providing Child Support. Maybe they should give micro-bio-technology development a try next."
Friday, April 15, 2005
9th April - 15th April
25p CAUSES MAN TO COMMIT SUICIDE
Reporter: G. Drury.
New information brought to life in a case where a man commited suicide on the eve of his 58th birthday has revealed why he may have took his own life. It appears that he became depressed after someone had stolen his TV and his favorite pair of trainers. Not only that but his pocket money had been cut to just 25p a day. Living so far away from his wife Primrose, this cut didn't afford him much time on the phone and she couldn't get out to visit him that often. Not widely reported is that many staff members convinced Mr Harold Shipman to take part in the prison's boy scout scheme and to pay particular attention to the knot tying badge. Mr Shipman, no longer being able to ply his trade as a serial killing doctor, thought this could be a good way to pass the time. Mr Shipman was given his own lengths of rope to practice on in his spare time. "Who was to know he would hang himself? We even took many of his other things away so he could concentrate on getting his badge." said Steve, one of the Guards on duty.
RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER
Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.
PRISON BLAZE CAUSES OUTCRY
Reporter: G. Drury.
Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furiou that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".
WORLD NEWS
Reporter: M. Gosling
It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.
*ARCHIVE REPORT*
NOAH PHOBIC
Noah today was called an homophobic by the gay animal community. Noah 55 is building a Ark to save 2 pairs of each of the worlds animals. However reports are saying that he is choosing animals in pairs of different sexes. Same sex animal relationships were accepted earlier this year. The government have said that no great flood is coming and that everyone is safe.
DOWNING STREET PROTEST
Reproter: G. Drury.
Wives of MG Rover workers were joined by confused women on Wednesday as they marched on Downing Street to petition the Government to put more pressure on a chinese firm to come up with a rescue package. Many came armed with banners and posters. Steve from security said "it's a good job they're a bit stupid and didn't come armed with actuall weapons or they'll have been locked up." One protester had a sing with "SAVE ROVER" on it. When asked for comment, she said "I'm a single mother and can't afford the vets bills. His health is decreasing every day unless I can get some help. Please, help save my Rover" One protestor was a bit confused and couldn't decide what to protest exactly by holding a sign that says "SAVE BRITISH INDUSTRY" and "SAVE BRITISH CARS" on the same sign. Some were outside saying "Don't forget about us Mr Blair." Steve on security said that they had been there for 2 weeks waiting for an answer from Mr Blair about whether or not he liked thier tap dancing skills. My Blair has still to comment. In fact, I think he's forgotten about them".
ADVERTISEMENT FROM D. STANLEY INDUSTRIES
OUT NOW!!!
Magnum PI Special Edition DVD Box Set!
Includes;
All six seasons of the hit TV show, including the untransmitted seventh season, which saw Tom Selleck replaced by Mark Hamill.
Special eight hour documentary, "Don't Mention 'Folks'", a detailed insight into Tom Selleck's life and career.
Special holgram badge which depicts Tom Selleck with and without his moustache.
A "Delete Higgins" feature.
A gag real, which shows unseen gems such as,
The black guy falling out of his helicopter,
Higgins being mauled by his dogs,
Tom Selleck acidentally running Higgins down in his car,
A montage of Tom Selleck's repulsive Hawaiian shirts causing various co-stars to be sick.
Deleted scenes,
Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network),
Higgins reveals he is a transvestite,
Batman turns up,
Magnum's rape scene,
Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.
The Christmas Special, which was a special crossover episode with Knight Rider. Magnum goes and solves a morbid murder case with KITT while Michael Knight spends the whole episode trying to talk to Magnum's Ferrari.
Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.
Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Competitiveness is the illusion of talent - D. Stanley
Reporter: G. Drury.
New information brought to life in a case where a man commited suicide on the eve of his 58th birthday has revealed why he may have took his own life. It appears that he became depressed after someone had stolen his TV and his favorite pair of trainers. Not only that but his pocket money had been cut to just 25p a day. Living so far away from his wife Primrose, this cut didn't afford him much time on the phone and she couldn't get out to visit him that often. Not widely reported is that many staff members convinced Mr Harold Shipman to take part in the prison's boy scout scheme and to pay particular attention to the knot tying badge. Mr Shipman, no longer being able to ply his trade as a serial killing doctor, thought this could be a good way to pass the time. Mr Shipman was given his own lengths of rope to practice on in his spare time. "Who was to know he would hang himself? We even took many of his other things away so he could concentrate on getting his badge." said Steve, one of the Guards on duty.
RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER
Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.
PRISON BLAZE CAUSES OUTCRY
Reporter: G. Drury.
Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furiou that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".
WORLD NEWS
Reporter: M. Gosling
It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.
*ARCHIVE REPORT*
NOAH PHOBIC
Noah today was called an homophobic by the gay animal community. Noah 55 is building a Ark to save 2 pairs of each of the worlds animals. However reports are saying that he is choosing animals in pairs of different sexes. Same sex animal relationships were accepted earlier this year. The government have said that no great flood is coming and that everyone is safe.
DOWNING STREET PROTEST
Reproter: G. Drury.
Wives of MG Rover workers were joined by confused women on Wednesday as they marched on Downing Street to petition the Government to put more pressure on a chinese firm to come up with a rescue package. Many came armed with banners and posters. Steve from security said "it's a good job they're a bit stupid and didn't come armed with actuall weapons or they'll have been locked up." One protester had a sing with "SAVE ROVER" on it. When asked for comment, she said "I'm a single mother and can't afford the vets bills. His health is decreasing every day unless I can get some help. Please, help save my Rover" One protestor was a bit confused and couldn't decide what to protest exactly by holding a sign that says "SAVE BRITISH INDUSTRY" and "SAVE BRITISH CARS" on the same sign. Some were outside saying "Don't forget about us Mr Blair." Steve on security said that they had been there for 2 weeks waiting for an answer from Mr Blair about whether or not he liked thier tap dancing skills. My Blair has still to comment. In fact, I think he's forgotten about them".
ADVERTISEMENT FROM D. STANLEY INDUSTRIES
OUT NOW!!!
Magnum PI Special Edition DVD Box Set!
Includes;
All six seasons of the hit TV show, including the untransmitted seventh season, which saw Tom Selleck replaced by Mark Hamill.
Special eight hour documentary, "Don't Mention 'Folks'", a detailed insight into Tom Selleck's life and career.
Special holgram badge which depicts Tom Selleck with and without his moustache.
A "Delete Higgins" feature.
A gag real, which shows unseen gems such as,
The black guy falling out of his helicopter,
Higgins being mauled by his dogs,
Tom Selleck acidentally running Higgins down in his car,
A montage of Tom Selleck's repulsive Hawaiian shirts causing various co-stars to be sick.
Deleted scenes,
Magnum dies at the end of every episode (an idea which was later scrapped by the network),
Higgins reveals he is a transvestite,
Batman turns up,
Magnum's rape scene,
Magnum reveals he had a false moustache all along.
The Christmas Special, which was a special crossover episode with Knight Rider. Magnum goes and solves a morbid murder case with KITT while Michael Knight spends the whole episode trying to talk to Magnum's Ferrari.
Special Commentary by Ferrari F1 Manager Jean Todt.
Plus, buy your Magnum PI at WH Smith's and get a free moustache shaving stencil.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Competitiveness is the illusion of talent - D. Stanley
2nd April - 8th April
SHOWBIZ
There was trouble in the air Monday night as the celebrity couple of the minute looked to be in danger of ending. Nicola was set to ring Jamie during the night but when no phone call was forthcoming, Jamie rang her several times to no avail. It was then that Gavin decided to ring her also to see if he could catch her but yet again no answer was forthcoming. It wasn't until a couple of minutes later when the trouble started as Nicola rang Gavin back to see who it was a she didn't have his number. Upon finding out that it was, she asked to be put through to Jamie who wasn't impressed that she got back to Gavin before her boyfriend. Nothing serious came of it however and this looks like it could be Jamie’s longest relationship yet.
ROYAL AFFAIRS
Although at a memorial service for the Pope yesterday, Prince Charles could not get this Saturday’s event out of his mind. It is a time he does not look forward to every year. Grand National Day. You see, his partner Camilla loves to go to the biggest day in the Horse Racing Calendar every year and every year Charles loses her and ends up talking to one of the runners he mistakes for his partner. He is very embarrassed about this and is always looking for new ways to cancel this trip. This year, he has found the perfect solution. His wedding day was scheduled for the upcoming Friday but as he attended the memorial service in London he realized the Official service was on the very same Friday. He realized he could cancel the Wedding under the pretense of going to Rome and put the wedding back a day and overlapping the Grand National - Problem solved.
The world’s foremost astrologer - Justin Toper - has looked into the stars to see what the future holds for this couple. He said "They may be happy".
WORLD NEWS
Jason Francia, who gave his testimony in the Michael Jackson case on Wednesday, is at the subject of an investigation into the behavior of two of the Jurors. The two Jurors are alleged to have been heard laughing at him during a break in proceedings. They were overheard by two "sources" (read - we made this bit up) who claim they were laughing and joking about Jason Francia who alleges he was abused as a child. They are reported to have said things like "boo hoo, he got touched by Michael Jackson. Boo hoo" A spokesperson for Jason said "I can't believe the insensitive comments they were spouting. He suffered terribly as a child for this and we're not going to let Michael Jackson get away with it. We can let him off for throwing Jason in the air and catching him, We can look past him swinging Jason by his arms, Ruffling his hair up is also excusable, but when he tickled Jason, that was the last straw".
SPORT
In a bid to keep a player he highly regards, Ashley Cole, Wenger hatched a plan to keep him and ward of interest from other clubs. He decided that whilst on the world stage, being watched by millions, he would convince Cole to play crap. And what a good actor Cole is because I certainly believed it. As a reward for this, Wenger has offered him a brand new contract to show his appreciation. He is to receive about £70,000 a week, almost double what he is currently receiving.
There was trouble in the air Monday night as the celebrity couple of the minute looked to be in danger of ending. Nicola was set to ring Jamie during the night but when no phone call was forthcoming, Jamie rang her several times to no avail. It was then that Gavin decided to ring her also to see if he could catch her but yet again no answer was forthcoming. It wasn't until a couple of minutes later when the trouble started as Nicola rang Gavin back to see who it was a she didn't have his number. Upon finding out that it was, she asked to be put through to Jamie who wasn't impressed that she got back to Gavin before her boyfriend. Nothing serious came of it however and this looks like it could be Jamie’s longest relationship yet.
ROYAL AFFAIRS
Although at a memorial service for the Pope yesterday, Prince Charles could not get this Saturday’s event out of his mind. It is a time he does not look forward to every year. Grand National Day. You see, his partner Camilla loves to go to the biggest day in the Horse Racing Calendar every year and every year Charles loses her and ends up talking to one of the runners he mistakes for his partner. He is very embarrassed about this and is always looking for new ways to cancel this trip. This year, he has found the perfect solution. His wedding day was scheduled for the upcoming Friday but as he attended the memorial service in London he realized the Official service was on the very same Friday. He realized he could cancel the Wedding under the pretense of going to Rome and put the wedding back a day and overlapping the Grand National - Problem solved.
The world’s foremost astrologer - Justin Toper - has looked into the stars to see what the future holds for this couple. He said "They may be happy".
WORLD NEWS
Jason Francia, who gave his testimony in the Michael Jackson case on Wednesday, is at the subject of an investigation into the behavior of two of the Jurors. The two Jurors are alleged to have been heard laughing at him during a break in proceedings. They were overheard by two "sources" (read - we made this bit up) who claim they were laughing and joking about Jason Francia who alleges he was abused as a child. They are reported to have said things like "boo hoo, he got touched by Michael Jackson. Boo hoo" A spokesperson for Jason said "I can't believe the insensitive comments they were spouting. He suffered terribly as a child for this and we're not going to let Michael Jackson get away with it. We can let him off for throwing Jason in the air and catching him, We can look past him swinging Jason by his arms, Ruffling his hair up is also excusable, but when he tickled Jason, that was the last straw".
SPORT
In a bid to keep a player he highly regards, Ashley Cole, Wenger hatched a plan to keep him and ward of interest from other clubs. He decided that whilst on the world stage, being watched by millions, he would convince Cole to play crap. And what a good actor Cole is because I certainly believed it. As a reward for this, Wenger has offered him a brand new contract to show his appreciation. He is to receive about £70,000 a week, almost double what he is currently receiving.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACIES
It appears as though there are certain people out there that do not want to see T.W.A.T.S. published. They would rather the truth not get out about certain things. The Government, with it's control of the media couldn't allow a unofficial, uncontrolled news source to circulate, telling the world what is really happening and not just what the Government allows you to think is hapening. The first issue was due to be published about 2000hrs on Sunday night but the powers that be stepped in to put an end to that. Some sort of "bomb" was sent through my broadband connection at around 1930hrs which casued my computer to restart several times in quick succession and now will not re-start at all leaving the first issue unaccesable. As soon as my P.C is repaired, I can garentee i will be bringing this to the world. No Government can stop me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
