25th April 2005

REDKNAPP RELEGATION SHOCKER!

Reporter: G. Drury
It was shockingly revealed last night by one of Portsmouth's cleaners, Steve, that secret vegetarian, Harry Redknapp, never had any intention of keeping Southampton out of relegation. He went on to reveal that Harry actually hates Southampton with a passion and only took the job as manager to make sure they go down. It is believed that he came up with this plan 3 years ago and is going to quit his management career at the end of the season when he has got them relegated and finish his career on a high. After a bit of digging around we can reveal that Harry Redknapp dislikes Southampton so much because of his hatred of any team with meat products in their name after he was sacked by West HAM at the end of the 2000 / 2001 season. LIVERpool, birmingHAM, tottenHAM, and fulHAM are other teams he also would have liked to get relegated before his career was over but he decided that he would have a better chance with soutHAMpton.

WBO TO CHANGE BOXING

Reporter: G. Drury
Over the weekend, WBO announced changes to the way in which their Championship Titles were won and lost.Their Heavyweight titles is now won by causing your opponent to bleed in "first blood" matches. The Lightweight title will now change hands by "beating the buzzer". This involves each boxer to wear a special buzzer that is strapped to their sides and the winner being the boxer who punches his opponents buzzer. The Welterweight title will now be won simply by wearing it and will be under 24/7 rules meaning it can be won at any time day or night and the holder being the last person to wear it. All other titles will remain the same.

GIRLS ALOUD SPLIT?

Reporter: D. Stanley
Nadine Coyle from pop group Girls Aloud has announced today that her legs are leaving the band. Speculation has been rife over such a split ever since it became evident that Nadine's legs had become far and away the most popular member of the group. A spokesperson speaking on behalf of Nadine's legs read to waiting reporters, "It is my sad duty to reveal that the rumours are indeed true and that I am leaving Girls Aloud. I have had a great two years with the girls but now I think it is time to branch out on my own. I look forward to seeing you on stage sometime in the near future".

Nadine's legs releases her new single, a cover of Stairway To Heaven, next month. Nadine's legs' album is believed to be going to be called, "We Need To Be Apart".

ANYONE FOR CRICKET? THOUGHT NOT.

Reporter: M. Gosling
The world was saddened today by news that the Cricket season starts soon. The game which can last for days has bored people now for ages. The world Cricket council have now openly acknowledged the boredom factor within the game and have come up with a number of changes. The changes are to be phased in over the next few seasons and will hopefully increase to the viewing audience in the UK that currently stands at 6. A few ideas on the table include an Explosive ball. The ball will have a small amount of explosive put inside it and a timer attached to it around the rim of the ball. The umpire will randomly set the timer and the ball will obviously go off at anytime during the game. This will be another way that a player can be out!. Other ideas include a 5 minute fight where all the players are able to fight with each other and weaken the other team. All the ideas are still in working progress.