9th April - 15th April

25p CAUSES MAN TO COMMIT SUICIDE

Reporter: G. Drury.
New information brought to life in a case where a man commited suicide on the eve of his 58th birthday has revealed why he may have took his own life. It appears that he became depressed after someone had stolen his TV and his favorite pair of trainers. Not only that but his pocket money had been cut to just 25p a day. Living so far away from his wife Primrose, this cut didn't afford him much time on the phone and she couldn't get out to visit him that often. Not widely reported is that many staff members convinced Mr Harold Shipman to take part in the prison's boy scout scheme and to pay particular attention to the knot tying badge. Mr Shipman, no longer being able to ply his trade as a serial killing doctor, thought this could be a good way to pass the time. Mr Shipman was given his own lengths of rope to practice on in his spare time. "Who was to know he would hang himself? We even took many of his other things away so he could concentrate on getting his badge." said Steve, one of the Guards on duty.




RACISM AT SCHOOL SHOCKER

Reporter: G. Drury
Giti Boland, 48, working as a French Teacher at Englands only State Boarding School who is notoriously lazy was expected to do many things as part of her job that she simply did not want to do. Besides being un-reasonably asked to produce her qualifications for the post and being asked to take French oral tests, the school head unreasonably asked her to stack some chairs. Steve, the school janitor said " I can't beleive they would tell someone that lazy to stack some chairs. It's outrageous. Someone should take someone to court." After having several other cases thrown out of court where she claimed excessive lazyness, Mrs Boland tried a different tact this time round and has filed claims of unfair treatment and racism worth £180,000. A juror, Steve, overheard Mrs Boland saying - "There has been a nuance of racism" The trial continues.



PRISON BLAZE CAUSES OUTCRY

Reporter: G. Drury.
Inmates of Highpoint Jail in Suffolk have hit upon a money-making scheme that has bagged them £100 each. One inmate would start a fire in his cell and help to spread the fire through other cells. They would then wait for compensation. Although this seems a foolhardy attempt at gaining money, it actually worked. The fire started on April 4th and inmates were moved to safety while officers battled the blaze. When firefighters arrived, it took them 90 minutes to bring the blaze under control. The local Prison Officers Associattion are furiou that the officers are receiving nothing while the inmates get rewarded. The Prison Service yesterday defended it's compensations by claiming the inmates were inconvenienced and the compensation covers damaged property. The officers received nothing because they didn't have any property damaged during the fire. Steve, inmate #36421, was overheard telling me that "this should put us on for a while. I can buy a decent supply of cigs for this. We may not need to start another fire for a couple of months now".



WORLD NEWS

Reporter: M. Gosling
It was exclusively revealed that Germany invaded Poland earlier this month as a April Fool. The German Chancellor stated that it was time Europe dropped that feeling that Germans had no sense of humour. A single German soldier then went over to France walked through Paris where the French government immediately surrendered.


*ARCHIVE REPORT*
NOAH PHOBIC

Noah today was called an homophobic by the gay animal community. Noah 55 is building a Ark to save 2 pairs of each of the worlds animals. However reports are saying that he is choosing animals in pairs of different sexes. Same sex animal relationships were accepted earlier this year. The government have said that no great flood is coming and that everyone is safe.



DOWNING STREET PROTEST

Reproter: G. Drury.
Wives of MG Rover workers were joined by confused women on Wednesday as they marched on Downing Street to petition the Government to put more pressure on a chinese firm to come up with a rescue package. Many came armed with banners and posters. Steve from security said "it's a good job they're a bit stupid and didn't come armed with actuall weapons or they'll have been locked up." One protester had a sing with "SAVE ROVER" on it. When asked for comment, she said "I'm a single mother and can't afford the vets bills. His health is decreasing every day unless I can get some help. Please, help save my Rover" One protestor was a bit confused and couldn't decide what to protest exactly by holding a sign that says "SAVE BRITISH INDUSTRY" and "SAVE BRITISH CARS" on the same sign. Some were outside saying "Don't forget about us Mr Blair." Steve on security said that they had been there for 2 weeks waiting for an answer from Mr Blair about whether or not he liked thier tap dancing skills. My Blair has still to comment. In fact, I think he's forgotten about them".


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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Competitiveness is the illusion of talent - D. Stanley